when you grow up, you learn things
you never knew came with growing older:
anger, for example, you learn how sometimes
it's precise, how it's smart, how it's an arrow
that pierces lungs and smoulders without
being set fire to. and anger, sometimes,
is aimless, scary, spiralling higher and high--
er, like a phoenix that cannot stop
swallowing your bones and using them
like matchsticks to its inferno.
when you grow up, you learn things.
you learn things that don't help any,
and things that do help, but you're inclined
to forget. but there's one thing
growing up doesn't teach us: how
happiness is a sword-dance you self-teach yourself;
lessons are expensive, and people are cruel--
they define it for you, cut it up and place it
in a clear bag for you to dissect, and tell you
to explain its shape, like it's a star, like it's a sun,
like it's a triangle or a square. they don't tell you
that it's amorphous; they don't tell you
that it'll leak right out of the clear bag, that it'll
freeze on the hottest day and turn into an ice-thistle.
they don't tell you that it hurts to stick happiness
through your soul when it doesn't want to belong there.
when you grow up, you sometimes learn,
and sometimes you don't--happiness is a fog,
happiness is poison, happiness is when ice melts
and your skin soaks it up for you. happiness
wants to belong, you see. it doesn't matter when,
or how, but sometimes, it will melt for you--
and sometimes, it won't.
anger comes easily. cynicism beats broken metal pipes
on your roof, keeps you up at night, we call it
insomnia sometimes when it isn't but we're too scared
not to clutch a label like a life raft. it's weird how
crazy everything is, how slow and sodden
and fast all at once. i'm floating
in a cinematic bubble; i am eraserhead
turned fast-forward, and i am tired
of trying to find a version of myself
in high-definition.
when you grow up, you become amorphous. some days, the children can see what shape your clouds are in; other days, you float idly, but never mind--the wind wants to carry us somewhere, and maybe somewhere is better than stagnating in a skypool. maybe somewhere will teach us
that being shapeless does not mean being meaningless.
you cannot carve into mist with a butter-knife.
do not try.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,890 Reviews
Hey there! I'll be reviewing your Poem today as quick and as just as I possibly can.
Now firstly with Critique:
-"when you grow up, you learn things
you never knew came with growing older" this beginning verse is a little off, I'm sure you meant to write it as:
"when you grow up, you learn things that you never knew came with growing up."
The 'that' was vital for the sentence to make sense and I wrote 'growing up' because as soon as you grow up you realise that you learn things everyday through effort. 'growing older' would imply that we are continuously ignorant that we know everything. Or something along the lines of that.
-Just wanted to point out how beautifully written the first stanza is.
-"you learn things that don't help any" I think 'any' should be written as 'anybody'. It just lets the poem flow more and it makes more sense to the reader.
- "self-teach yourself" This is redundant, you're mentioning twice how it is done by yourself. Pick one or the other, not both.
-"people are cruel--" I don't know why you added the extra hyphens because the word is not carried on to the next verse. If you intended to add a pause then it would be more effective to add an ellipses instead (...). You do this multiple times throughout your poem.
-"like it's a star, like it's a sun,
like it's a triangle or a square" Every time you used the word 'like' it should be 'if' instead. For grammatical correctness.
-'"not to clutch a label like a life raft." it would make more to write it as "not to cling to the label like a life raft". First of all because cling refers to trying not to leave, whereas clutch has a forceful connotation. Unless this was intended I would recommend changing it.
Other than that it seems fine. Your imagery sure is stunning but you definitely need more practice on using the right words and when to use the right words.
Keep practising and good luck!
I absolutely love the imagery in this. I especially like the first part about anger being "An arrow that pierces lungs and shoulders with being set fire to." I can relate to a lot in this poem, as a person with anger issues this is just a poetic way to put into words what can usually only be felt.
There is some punctuation, and capitalization that needs a little work, but all in all it was a fun bit to read. keep up the good work!
-ETC