In the mountains, there is a city.
Not many know of this city, and of those that do, most avoid it.
The winding streets and alleyways are covered with filth, and you can either protect yourself, or you are dead.
The city of Satia. The City Of All Things Unholy.
A figure crept down the dark streets. He was tired from his long journey. He could not rest yet.
From underneath his down turned bucket hat his eyes searched the shaded and rundown buildings carefully. It paid to be careful.
He passed a sneering whore, but he had no time for such things. Maybe later.
Eventually he came to a door, much like any other door, unless you knew what you were looking for. Etched over the rusted hinges was a tiny inverted 'Y'.
Once inside, he lifted his hat and shoved it in his grey jacket pocket. He shook out his messy hair and sighed.
"I trust you are well, Mr Forsonn."
Ryn Forsonn made sure the door was locked and turned to the figure sitting by the fire.
"I am sorry sir, but the Idiot fail-" The figure cut Ryn off.
"I know. Why did you not finish her? or are you too weak?"
Ryn looked away. "Sir, you know I cannot. Not until I have recovered from the magic. You know that!"
"Serves you right for going too close to those stinking elves! Though I trust you saw to the idiot?"
"Yessir. The girl had fled. But at least she cannot return. Her home is in ashes."
"Good. Rest here in the city. Then once you can stand to be within striking distance, Kill her."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
Good, but as always check the capitilization, but anywhooo, it's getting more intresting.
The beginning again was off-putting seems to be your forte XD. And this seems to be moving too fast, maybe you should of waited one more chapter before this. Anyway it's not a good idea to start with this line
It's off putting and made me almost say what the f*ck lmao. On to next part.
Nice in-between chapter. Some sentances didn't flow quite right, but otherwise: good!
-ST
YAY! Part three! Some goofs:
Need to capitalize 'Or'.
And
I think you mean Yes sir. I could be wrong. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Other than that, I loved it! Again, I was hooked. I agree with Mad, though. It would be nicer if in the future (by that I mean #9 as you've already posted #8 ) you could make them longer. But that's just me as a greedy reader. Lucky me, I have a few Tamia stories before I run out!
Keep them coming! I love the story and I've only read three!
The city's description is total awesomeness. Lide Mad said, the latter of that centence could use a little tweaking. Elsewise, it's an excellent continuation. Now to part IV!
Not bad. Like I said, I think you mostly need to work on how you word things and where you place punctuation.
Sometimes I think you can't find a certain word you are looking for and put another word there instead, which is why at some parts it doesn't seem to flow very well. If you can't find the word you're looking for, use a thesaurus (thesaurus.com if you don't have a real one) to find what you're looking for.
this is part 3 mad, there a two parts before this and this isn't going to be the finish.
I think that you just need to repharse the latter part of this sentence so that it can flow easier because "or you are dead" doesn't sound right.
The dialogue seems to be very forced. I think that if you could just refine the dialogue a tiny bit it would be much better.
Also when Ryn goes into the room a bit more description would help the reader to visualise the scene but that may not suit the air of mystery that you have created.
I like this sentence because of how it's abruptness adds to the feeling created.
I think that your story is good, just a bit too short.