"NO!"
She grabbed the pot off the fire and flung the contents at the attacker. The man screamed, clawing at his face as the broth burned his face. He panted with pain as white blisters erupted on his brutal features.
"You'll get it now!" he growled, and threw the girl's mother aside.
Tamia caught her breath as her mother slammed into a shelf and collapsed in a heap on the cold stone floor.
Her leaf green eyes flashed with anger as they snapped back to her attacker. He stared at her evilly while he stood in the middle of the scantily furnished room of the cottage.
"Filthy half-breed!" He snarled.
Tamia backed slowly away from the hulking bear of a man, her finely featured face creased from suppressed emotion. Tamia bit her lip. "think cool," she whispered to herself.
The man smiled a grin borne from blood lust while he reached for his long dirk.
"Now look, I'll get your mother's pretty trinket anyway... so if you be good maybe I'll make your death quick!" His smile chilled Tamia to her core.
He leapt across the room with a blood curdling cry. Tamia quickly ducked aside and slipped behind him. He span on his heel. An inhuman growl erupted from his lips and he lunged yet again.The metal of his dagger flashed in a wide arc straight for her heart. Tamia leapt back, her instincts taking over. They danced a brutal and deadly dance around the room, Tamia only one step ahead of a glittering cold-steel death by the brutally sharp dagger.
Eventually they came to a halt.
Staring at each other the hatred could be felt across the room. The attacker was breathing heavily, both from pain and weariness.
"Your mother defiled herself when she let you come into excistance from a filthy elf!" He spat, his eyes to points of rage. "And now I'll take her pretty charm and you'll both die because of it!"
Tamia snapped. All the fury that had been pent up was unleashed at once as a blast of power. Windows cracked. Cobblestones were thrown against walls. A knife was thrown across the room and quivered, embedded in the soft wood wall. The flash left imprints of the man's shocked face to be forever imprinted her mind.
The man was tossed like a rag doll against the hearth, unconscious.
'What have I done? she moaned.
Tamia felt all of her energy being sucked away. she swayed, nausea sweeping her in great waves.
She dropped in a dead faint.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
this has potential to be something really good, keep working at it, add in little things here and there and you have something really great to work with!
Good luck!
Meevs
x
Oh, you read Matthew Reilly's books? No wonder this is fast then, his books zip right past you! Not that his style isn't good, it is, excepting his annoying use of dot-dot-dot (...) and exclamation marks. They just don't work. I think the version you put up officially labelled "Tamia's Quest I" was better than this one, so good work on improving it.
-Twit
elvin maiden... this is the first version. It is now called 'tamia's quest.' That version has been edited more. A lot of the phrasing is different, I'm trying to get rid of the cliche phrases. I'll look into the senses thing, and try to put more detail in. and this is a fight scene. I try to keep it fast... I'm a fan of matthew rielly's, and I like to write fast in scenes like this. It's just my style, and Ive slowed it down from the first original believe it or not. lol
Thanks for the critique and I'll try to take it on board
Awesome!
It was a little fast for me to keep up, and I wanted a little more action between the man and Tamia. Slightly disappointing when they just stop.
Add some other senses besides sight. Semells are important, and i didn't hear much eaither. The smell of hot broth or the metallic stench of blood... and maybe a sizzle when she threw that broth, his heavy tread or the dirk whistling a mere inch from her ears...
Slow it down a bit, please. I know I'm repeating myself, but i was overwhelmed. die it down a bit, and legthan it.
I have edited my story, with all comments in mind. Minor changes, all to do with wording and description. but hopefully it will make a difference.
All tips will be appreciated
P.S about the blood comments... it IS a fight scene. It won't be used non-stop but when it is used it is in the hope it adds to the scene.
I thought it lacked scenary description and setting. Other than that, it was ok.
Maybe because this was only the prologue that I didn't enjoy it that much.
Looking for the next chapter.
Andy
P.S: Oh yeah by the way, please don't use swearing in your work, it just turns away from the fantasy of your story. And also, try not to use blood too much, it really turns the reader off.
He span, or he spun? And it might be blood-curdling (but I'm not sure of either).
Other than that, it seemed fine to me.
yeah this is JUST the opening paragraph. You know... attack now, Explain later!
I'm coming up with the next part so... all (well, most) will be explained. And yes, the mother has something of value
Okay the first thing I noticed was that your format was off. Try to put spaces between your paragraphs as not to confuse your readers, that helps you to get more reviews. Otherwise, great storyline so far. I know now that a man was in a girls house trying to get her mother's trinket? Is that right? It could use a bit more description here and there but altogether this is a great start. I'm hoping this is a prolouge or something of that nature? Because posts after this one should contain more information about the characters just for future reference. If you leave your first post like this and describe later, that's fine lol. Suspence is always great and you really did it here. I really enjoyed the ending.
I hope you keep posting from this, I'd love to read and review more!
Keep at it!
~Rieda
admittedly I read too many fast paced books heh heh and I need to work on my story telling skills before I can hope to make my story any kind of speed close to them. I'll bulk it out a bit when I have time to sit down and think
Pacing again. You are cramming too much into a little bit, not allowing the user to breath. There is so much I dont understand and I feel its a slog to read on.
Start with the character's name.
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Tamia took the pot and hurled it through the air, its contents splashing over the attacker that had gained entry to the house. She observed him momentarily, his white boils and greasy skin added to his sinister. SHe was afraid and scared of how he would retaliate, afterall Tamia had just attacked him.
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Not the best example, Im hardly a super duper writer but its one example of pacing something out.
Add a little spacing to your paragraphs as well.
it's got good potential but jumps around too much so the reader cant get involved...I'll text you more hehehe