Tamia's quest

I've learnt a lot from this site, and have decided to resurrect my first story. I've made a lot of changes- I hope it works out better.

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Steam rose from the cauldron as a mixture of chopped carrots and potatoes were tipped in. The woman responsible stood, wiping her callused hands on the apron she tied around her waist. It was more a strip of course cotton, but it did its job well enough. The woman was not old, but wrinkles spanned from her eyes as she glanced into the morning light, pouring in the open window. Elise was glad of the window, the only source of light in the small one-room cottage. The room was plain, but Elise had tried her best to make a home for her family. The ground was merely packed earth, which Elise spread with fresh rushes each day in an attempt to make the cottage more comfortable. Spices were lined up near the fire, securely stored in small clay pots. These were one luxury Elise let herself indulge in, which she used in almost all of her cooking. A few ornaments graced the room, including Elise’s wedding present from her husband, an emerald set in delicate silver, still sitting safely in its case of velvet. Elise glanced around her home and thought wistfully of the cozy wooden house of her childhood. At least our home is of stone, Elise mused. She had known of worse, in her past.

A noise from behind snapped Elise out of her thoughts, and she turned to see her teenage daughter step through the door. Dressed in soft, hand-sewn leather over a course cotton blouse, her hair falling out of her messy ponytail, holding three blood-soaked hares, Tamia was a picture of chaotic triumph. Grinning ear from ear, Tamia lay the hares on the rough table by the door, made for such purposes. Elise studied her daughter with a mixture of affection and exasperation. She was a pretty girl, slender and wiry with bright, sparkling green eyes and straight straw-blonde hair. In spite of her sixteen summers, an age Elise was sure Tamia should have started caring for herself and her beauty, Tamia insisted on wearing boyish garb and running through the surrounding woods like a wild thing. Which is not entirely false, Elise admitted silently.

Tamia spread her arms, showing off to her mother her blood-stained front. “Will you not give me a welcoming hug, mother?”

Elise shook her head in mock exasperation. “Did I not teach you not to roll in the spot you made your kills? How did you get so messy?”

Tamia shrugged, widening her eyes in innocence. “But ma, I got you your supper!”

Elise laughed out loud, a rich, hearty sound. “You didn’t get that cheek from me. I always said you took after your father.”

Tamia’s expression darkened, and she shifted uncomfortably. “Ma, where is father? He was supposed to be back from the gathering a moon ago. You know it isn’t safe for his kind anymore, even in these parts.”

Elise’s shoulder’s tensed at Tamia’s words, and she shook her head in one stiff movement. “You will not speak so, Tamia! He will be back. You will see.”

Tamia turned away, her mouth turned down slightly. She took a knife from the shelf, moving to skin the hares. She paused to think for a moment, staring blankly at the knife in her hand, before starting to speak. “But Ma, you know they don’t like Elv-“

“Quiet!” Elise cut in, her brown eyes blazing. “He will be back.” She hissed, desperation to believe her own words lending a hard edge to her voice. Tamia looked up, shocked, before turning back to her work silently, cowed by her mother’s outburst.

Elise turned away, close to tears. Tamia was right, she knew. Humans and elves just didn’t get along. When Elise had fell in love with an elvish lad, she had been disowned, not only by her family, but by humankind. Who knows what had happened to her Je’al on the long journey home from his gathering to the south.

Elise closed her eyes tight against the thought, seeking to drive it away. Fear, unacknowledged, was curling like dark tendrils around her heart. Ever since her love had left, Elise had dreamt of the day he would return to her door, hug her in a tight embrace, and not leave again until the next gathering. But as the time passed, and Je’al did not return, Elise had began to worry, images of her husband dead on the road haunted her dreams, visions of him burning on one of the temple fires as a demon preyed on her conscious mind.

Elise glanced at her adored daughter, and frowned. Tamia bore the mark of her father’s blood, her ears upswept and delicately pointed, her cheekbones high, and her eyes a startling green, which could turn from bright with laughter to cold as sea-ice in no time at all. How much danger would she be in, in the wider world?

Elise had set up her home in an isolated area, surrounded by forests yet close to a trading village. The village, while not accepting of the strange family, grudgingly sold them the goods they needed. The young people of the village watched Tamia with mixed expressions of awe, terror and disgust on the few trips she had made with her mother. Elise was aware Tamia was lonely, but couldn’t see it in Tamia’s confident movements as she flicked out her kill’s innards with ease. Tamia had learned to hide her feelings with the ease of her father’s race. Elise sighed. Her daughter was so…inhuman, at times. She was still studying her when Tamia looked up from her work, catching her parent’s expression.

“Mum..?” Tamia questioned, a look of puzzled concern flashing across her delicate features. Elise smiled and hugged her daughter, blood-stained front and all. “Never you mind, love. Everything’s fine.” Elise felt Tamia put her arms around her, and secretly wondered if it would always be fine for her daughter.

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Points: 89625
Reviews: 1272

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Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:47 pm

Rosendorn wrote a review...

At the risk of starting a critiquer's war, I disagree with the "show don't tell" advice. The story does not seem to be about her being lonely and outcasted, it's about her finding her father (at least, that's what I got. I'd be mighty unhappy if that's not the plot). Telling quick bits like her not fitting in is fine. If part of her quest is about breaking down the prejudices surrounding elves then it'd be a good idea to give us a scene or two about what elves go through. If it's not needed, don't put it in. Extra info like that will stall a story and kill reader attention.

One thing I noticed is the amount you used Elise. Try to find a balance between "she," "her" and the proper name.

I don't consider this an info dump per say, but that's something I'm working on myself. You can give the same info in one chapter, just spread it out and make it slowly grow.

Some nitpicks:

still sitting safely in its case of velvet.

The case is made of velvet? If it was, she wouldn't be able to see the wedding present.

Which is not entirely false, Elise admitted silently.

Try to stick to the past tense. Rewrite: "Which was not entirely false"

That's about it; everything else has been pretty much covered. Great plot! Between the title and the hints that Tamia is bold enough and curious enough to go off and find her father, plus the clues that elves are hated, I really like this.

Points: 1318
Reviews: 17

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Sun Dec 07, 2008 8:35 pm

LolitaRose wrote a review...

Steam rose from the cauldron as a mixture of chopped carrots and potatoes were tipped in.

In my opinion, this would be a nice sentence to add later. I'm not one for being amazing with opening sentences, but it should be a bit more...loud, if that makes sense at all.

The woman responsible stood, wiping her callused hands on the apron she tied around her waist.

The 'responsible' part didn't reallly make sense to me, to tell the truth.

The ground was merely packed earth, which Elise spread with fresh rushes each day in an attempt to make the cottage more comfortable. Spices were lined up near the fire, securely stored in small clay pots. These were one luxury Elise let herself indulge in, which she used in almost all of her cooking. A few ornaments graced the room, including Elise’s wedding present from her husband, an emerald set in delicate silver, still sitting safely in its case of velvet.

I really like the description here! Good job! I imagined the room very well. Very vividly.

A noise from behind snapped Elise out of her thoughts, and she turned to see her teenage daughter step through the door.

'Snap' is used a lot in this same term. Perhaps 'a noise woke Elise out of her thoughts?'

Dressed in soft, hand-sewn leather over a course cotton blouse, her hair falling out of her messy ponytail, holding three blood-soaked hares, Tamia was a picture of chaotic triumph.

Very nice description here! Although a bit rushed.

Grinning ear from ear, Tamia lay the hares on the rough table by the door, made for such purposes.

You mean 'Grinning ear to ear?'

She was a pretty girl, slender and wiry with bright, sparkling green eyes and straight straw-blonde hair.

While this is an alright description of the girl, perhaps a bit more? Describe her eyes in depth. Not too much though. Just enough so the reader can see what you see in your mind.

Tamia’s expression darkened, and she shifted uncomfortably. “Ma, where is father? He was supposed to be back from the gathering a moon ago. You know it isn’t safe for his kind anymore, even in these parts.”

Something seems off right here. 'Gathering a moon ago sounds very odd to me.'

Overall, it was interesting to read. I really loved the way the characters talked, by the way. It seemed very real, how a mother would talk to her daughter.

Points: 890
Reviews: 202

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Sun Dec 07, 2008 7:43 pm

CastlesInTheSky wrote a review...

Here as requested, Nutty. :wink: It's late, so this review may turn a bit inane, in parts.

Steam rose from the cauldron as a mixture of chopped carrots and potatoes were tipped in.

I find this sentence a bit mundane, for one to begin with.
Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen? You're not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later.
Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things.

One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist. I think what you need to do is make this more exciting. It doesn't need to be over-dramatic - I despise books that start like that. But at least try to begin it on a more original twist.

The woman responsible stood, wiping her callused hands on the apron she tied around her waist.

Callused = Calloused with a 'o'. Or is that just a British thing?

The woman was not old, but wrinkles spanned from her eyes as she glanced into the morning light, pouring in the open window

.

No comma needed after 'light'. I like the idea of wrinkles spanning from her eyes, it's not overdone to death, like most imagery related to wrinkles. ^_^

She had known of worse, in her past.

This would read better if you rephrased as, "In her past, she'd known worse."

Grinning ear from ear, Tamia lay the hares on the rough table by the door, made for such purposes.

The term is, 'Grinning from ear to ear.' I think. And there shouldn't be a comma after 'door'.

She was a pretty girl, slender and wiry with bright, sparkling green eyes and straight straw-blonde hair. In spite of her sixteen summers, an age Elise was sure Tamia should have started caring for herself and her beauty, Tamia insisted on wearing boyish garb and running through the surrounding woods like a wild thing. Which is not entirely false, Elise admitted silently.

This is a bit too much info. Instead of telling us these things, you should try to show us them through the character's actions. For example, instead of saying she was slender and wiry, show us she was by writing something like, 'she swung her wiry form onto the bench, swinging her slender legs up over the edge.' Or, 'Tamia undid the string holding her straw blonde hair together, and shook her head free of it.' Absolutely crappy examples, but you get what I mean. And about the whole boyish garb thing, this is explained in the following dialogue when her mother reprimands her. Just make it more obvious she's telling her off about the running around in woods and you'll be able to get rid of that whole quote above.

Tamia spread her arms, showing off to her mother her blood-stained front.

This would read better as: Tamia spread her arms, showing her blood-stained front off to her mother.

“Did I not teach you not to roll in the spot you made your kills? How did you get so messy?”

The repetition of 'not' makes this sentence awkward. Rephrase as: Didn't I teach you not to roll in the spot you made your kills in?

Tamia shrugged, widening her eyes in innocence. “But ma, I got you your supper!”

Shouldn't 'ma' be capitalised?

“He will be back.” She hissed,

'She' shouldn't be capitalised and the fullstop after 'back' should be changed to a comma, presuming 'she hissed' is a dialogue tag?

When Elise had fell in love with an elvish lad, she had been disowned, not only by her family, but by humankind.

Fell = fallen.

But as the time passed, and Je’al did not return, Elise had began to worry, images of her husband dead on the road haunted her dreams, visions of him burning on one of the temple fires as a demon preyed on her conscious mind.

This is a very long sentence. Break it up, it will give it more effect: But time passed, and Je'al did not return. Elise had began to worry; images of her husband dead on the road haunted her dream, visions of him burning on one of the temple fires as a demon preyed on her haunted mind.

How much danger would she be in, in the wider world?

Awkward. Rephrase: In the wider world, how much danger would she be in?

It still sounds awkward, but at least you don't have two 'in's next to eachother. Maybe you can rephrase it better, as I did a lousy job.

“Mum..?” Tamia questioned, a look of puzzled concern flashing across her delicate features.

I doubt she would call her 'Mum'. Change it to, 'Ma'.

Okay, Nutty. I enjoyed reading this. You have a really good storyline and it's very polished. I love all the details and description you put into this. The characterisation is brilliant, I can really see Tamia and Elise's personalities coming across, which is oustanding.

One thing I saw - you tend to info dump a bit. Show, not tell, huh? You should maybe try to escalate the pacing so there were less huge chunks of paragraphs explaining their life. If you want to explain about Ellise's home and what part they played in the village, show us it. Show them going into the village and how they interact with the other villagers, speaking to them, etc. It would make it a lot better.

To accelerate the pacing, you need to Provide strong need or goal that can either change or be the demise of the character or his purpose. You need to create powerful opposition that deepens the conflict, set up a compelling situation or duty that binds the character to his struggle. Establish one problem that can be solved in two ways and force a decision. I'm sure you've got all this conflict planned out, but we need to see more signs of it in the first chapter. It's intriguing, and certainly has conflict lingering in the air, but you need to show us more of it.

Summed Up

•Check each scene for a crisis situation. Something must be happening of importance.

•Dialogue moves a story along. Write to allow white space on the page.

•Avoid long, involved paragraphs. Use short paragraphs and sentences of varying lengths.

• The shorter the sentence the more excitement grows.

• Don’t over-describe the action. Clip it and focus only on the most important actions

• Tension arouses emotion so focus on the conflicts and slow up on the setup.

Anyway, aside from the whole info dump thing, I really enjoyed this. You have a really good story going here and I would love to see it develop further. If you ever need another review, you know who you can ask.

Sorry that this wasn't the most technical review, I'm kind of exhausted so could only give vague points.

Good luck!

-Sarah

Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

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Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:56 am

JabberHut wrote a review...

Nutty! I'm-a-crittin'! And I'm on a role! :twisted: But, seriously, if you don't like my crit, you can destroy me in chat. :wink:

It was more a strip of course cotton, but it did its job well enough.

It should be "coarse." Course is a path or class. Coarse is a harsh feel, which is what you're looking for. :wink:

A few ornaments graced the room, including Elise’s wedding present from her husband, an emerald set in delicate silver, still sitting safely in its case of velvet.

After "husband," I would replace the comma with a big dash (--) or a colon.

She had known of worse, in her past.

Delete comma.

Tamia lay the hares on the rough table by the door, made for such purposes.

Delete that comma too. It will still make sense. ^_^

Which is not entirely false, Elise admitted silently.

You don't have to follow this suggestion of mine. It's fine how it is, but would "It is not entirely false" work better? That way, it's its own sentence rather than a dependent clause? =/ Up to you.

Elise’s shoulder’s tensed at Tamia’s words,

It's "shoulders." There's more than one. :wink:

Tamia turned away, her mouth turned down slightly.

Maybe: Tamia turned away, frowning slightly. =/

“He will be back.” She hissed,

Watch your tags! :wink:

"HE will be back," she hissed...

How much danger would she be in, in the wider world?

It looks like you had trouble here, lol. *stares at comma between 'in' and 'in'* How dangerous would the world be to her? or Once released into the much bigger world, how much danger would she be in? or something like those? You can think of something better probably. You obviously write very well. ^_^

...with mixed expressions of awe, terror, and disgust on the few trips...

Hah, I just critted something with this same issue. There's really no problem, depending on your view of the controversial issue. It's a matter of listing that's really confusing. You can just skip my following explanation if you think it will only confuse you further. ^_^

Example 1: I have socks in red, blue, green and black, black, pink and blue, yellow, and gray. << My way of thinking. I can have socks of two colors, like green and black, but I can also have socks in green and socks in black. I have socks in green, green and black, and black. See?

However, some people think this is right:

Example 2: I have socks in red, blue, green and black, black, pink and blue, yellow and gray. << When I read this, I think this person also has a pair of yellow and gray socks, not a pair of yellow and a pair of gray socks.

This explains the comma.

Way to jabber over nothing, eh? :wink:

Her daughter was so…inhuman, at times.

You don't need that comma. ^_^

Very good story! I've never read your original (if you even posted it), but this is very good. I need as much fantasy help as I can get since I'm writing my very first. Yours definitely inspired me. :wink:

Keep writing and let me know when you write more!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Points: 2816
Reviews: 252

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Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:14 pm

Insomnia wrote a review...

Hey. I guess I promised, so here I am.

It was more a strip of course cotton,

Should that be coarse?

but wrinkles spanned from her eyes

'spanned from' sounds strange. Possibly use radiated, or something like that?

Tamia lay the hares on the rough table

Erm, not sure here, but should 'lay' be 'laid?'

“Will you not give me a welcoming hug,

If Tamia's a teenager, then she would probably say won't, I think. Then again, this is a more primitive time than ours, so who knows what she's say?

Well, that's all I could find. This was a huge improvement on the first draft, and I really enjoyed it.

I agree with what Andy said about you 'telling' about your characters instead of showing us, though. This being the main offender:

In spite of her sixteen summers, an age Elise was sure Tamia should have started caring for herself and her beauty, Tamia insisted on wearing boyish garb and running through the surrounding woods like a wild thing. Which is not entirely false, Elise admitted silently.

It seemed like you were trying to force us to know Tamia early, and without actually seeing her actions. I do that as well, actually. >.<

Anyway, this really shows how much you've grown as a writer. Nice job.

-Mat

Points: 5577
Reviews: 672

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Fri Jan 04, 2008 3:48 am

Squall wrote a review...

Sup Chey,

Steam rose from the cauldron, as a mixture of chopped carrots and potatoes were tipped in.

You do not need the comma there.

The woman responsible stood, wiping her callused hands on the thin apron she tied around her waist.

The woman responsible stood, wiping her callused hands on the apron that was tied around her waist. I omitted "thin" as that word is not important enough in the story.

Elise was glad of the window, the only one in the small one-room cottage.

Why was Elise glad? You have not shown that strongly in the previous sentence.

Tamia looked up, shocked, before turning back to her work silently, cowed by her mother’s outburst.

Cowed? Do you mean something else?

She looked as if to think for a moment, before starting to speak. “But Ma, you know they don’t like Elv-“

You can either show as to how she appeared as though she was thinking, or simply say "She thought for a moment, before she spoke".

Would she be in danger, in the wider world?

This question is redundant. It's obvious that she will be in danger in the wider world.

Overall impressions:

A big improvement from your previous one. Kudos to you on that. I suggest that you split the piece up into paragraphs. Now only would it be easier to read, but your ideas would be grouped and flow more nicely. I like how you've defined the characters in this, though when you were developing your characters, you tend to "tell" more than "show". I think you need to figure out a way to work the development with the story itself. Right now, they don't seem very well integrated with the story.

I also think you could use some more imagery and descriptions to allow a more vivid picture to be formed in the reader's mind. Also, try to work the descriptions with the characters. Characters tend to act in certain ways in the environment they are given in. Try to show that link.

Overall, I almost felt inclined in saying that I liked this lol. Well done Chey.

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Tamia's quest

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