Tyler looked at the man cautiously. He was face down, motionless. The horse lay panting nearby, and Tyler knew it was spent, and would never get up.
Tyler looked around him. He was just out of sight of the village, and no-one else had came to investigate the sounds of the horse. Tyler turned his attention back on the rider. He was dressed in light mail, and a bare sword lay to the man's right.
Kneeling down, he turned the man over, and pulled his hands back in shock. Blood was everywhere, and a slick coating was dripping from his fingers. The man's shoulder had a snapped shaft protruding from a crimson wound. Tyler knew little first aid, but could tell he had lost too much blood. Bending over, he hoisted the man over his shoulders, almost fell over, and put him down again.
Tyler bit his lip, and bent back over the unconscious man. With some effort, and much manipulation, Tyler removed the mail, took off the heavy boots and the helm.
Bending over, he hoisted the man up yet again, and after deciding he could take the lessened weight, made his way laboriously towards the village.
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"He'll live. Now, Tyler, for goodness sake, go get cleaned up!" The priest shooed the young man away, sick of his hovering over the figure sprawled on the priest's pallet. The priest sighed inwardly, wondering whether Tyler was thick as well as dumb.
The priest looked at the symbol on the man's tunic, and muttered to himself. No, this would not do. He must get this man away from the village as soon as possible.
A golden eye overlaid with a black dagger. Never a good sign.
The priest shook his head, wondering what the crown's spies were doing so far out.
He tossed a blanket over the resting man, and left the room.
The darkness closed in.
End of chapter
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140,913 Literary Works • 673,732 Reviews
i agree with the others, about short choppy sentances. But it think they go really well with the piece and so far im interrested on what's going to happen. Please keep writting its a good stroy so far.
I agree some of it seems really short and fast, like parts to a really short story. If this is going to be longer than perhaps more emotion and thought could help. Sometimes Tyler doesn't seem to have much feeling.
You have lots of choppy sentences, which add to the depressing feel of the whole entire piece you've posted so far. I went back and read all of the "silent whispers", and I did like it. I just don't think you're going into enough detail about things. You've been telling the whole time about what's going on-perhaps add a little more dialogue? And you could easily combine these four parts into one post. Much easier for everyone to read.
Nice job!
Wiggy