"NO!"
She grabbed the pot off the fire and flung the contents at the attacker. The man screamed, clawing at his face as the broth burned him. He panted with pain as white blisters erupted on his brutal features.
"You'll get it now!" he growled, and threw the girl's mother aside.
Tamia caught her breath as her mother slammed into a shelf with a crack of snapping bones and collapsed in a heap on the cold stone floor.
Her leaf green eyes widened with anger as they snapped back to her attacker. He stared evilly while he stood in the middle of the scantily furnished room of the cottage.
"Filthy half-breed!" He snarled.
Tamia backed slowly away from the hulking bear of a man, her finely featured face creased from suppressed emotion. Tamia bit her lip. "think cool," she whispered to herself.
The man smiled a grin borne from blood lust while he reached for his long dirk.
"Now look, I'll get your mother's pretty trinket anyway... so if you be good maybe I'll make your death quick!" His smile froze the very marrow in her bones.
He leapt across the room with a demonic cry. Tamia quickly ducked aside and slipped behind him. He span on his heel. An inhuman growl erupted from his lips and he lunged yet again.The metal of his dagger flashed in a wide arc straight for her heart. Tamia leapt back, her instincts from the days of sparring with Vrenic, the local weapons master, taking over. They danced a brutal and deadly dance around the room, Tamia only one step ahead of a glittering cold-steel death by the brutally sharp dirk.
Eventually they came to a halt.
Staring at each other the hatred could be felt across the room. The attacker was breathing heavily, both from pain and weariness.
"Your mother defiled herself when she let you come into excistance from a filthy elf!" He spat, his eyes two points of rage. "And now I'll take her pretty charm and you'll both die because of it!"
Tamia snapped. All the fury that had been pent up was unleashed at once as a blast of power. Windows cracked. Cobblestones were thrown against walls. A knife was thrown across the room and quivered, embedded in the soft wood wall. The flash left an image of the man's shocked face to be forever imprinted her mind.
The man was tossed like a discarded scrap against the hearth, unconscious.
'What have I done? she moaned.
Tamia felt all of her energy being sucked away. she swayed, nausea sweeping her in great waves.
She dropped in a dead faint.
(part two)
Ahead of her... a light. Tamia blinked slowly, uncertain. She was floating.
Somewhere, she was aware that her her body was lying on the cold cobblestones of her mother's kitchen. She looked back at the light, content to float here in this other-world.
She rose her hand, but to protect herself or embrace the light she wasn't sure.
The light wavered, and twisted upon itself. Tamia looked on, her mouth slack as a half-wit's.
Suddenly a man stood before her.
His face was delicate, almost feminine, with a pale green shade to it.
A laughing yet compassionate mouth was centered beneath eyes the same leaf-green as Tamia's own. He was clothed in a simple robe of undyed cotton.
A wave of recognition swept her to her very soul, yet she knew with a terrible certainty that she had never seen him in all her fourteen years.
"Father...?" She ventured, her foot taking an uncertain step forward. It was then she relised her surroundings. She was surrounded by palette of soft whites, all slightly different in texture. Here or there she saw hints of shapes, but
whatever was out there was keeping itself hidden.
"Where am I?" She murmured, confused.
"Hush Tamia, all will become clear in time." Her father's voice was warm and tender, yet guarded.
"but father..." She took a step towards the lost parent. He waved her back, regret showing in his eyes.
"I cannot. Not here. There are... others." he looked away, tears shining. "You look just like your mother." His voice cracked. "What I would have done to go back to her that day." He shook his head.
Turning to her, her raised a hand. "You must go. We will meet again when we are unobserved."
Tamia's head burst with unanswered questions. She looked at the pale ivory clouds far below her.
Where had he gone?
Why?
Those days of sitting at the window wondering haunted her. She looked up at him, a protest forming on her lips.
He was gone.
Behind her, shadow leapt.
Tamia sat bolt upright, unable to say what caused her heart to race and her mind to panic.
She held her head as overwhelming pain hit her, wave after wave, in time with her heartbeat.
"My head!" she gasped, struggling to get to her feet on legs unable to
comply as she would like. She eventually dragged her self to her feet, and once she stopped trembling she raised her head, pondering. Her reflection caught her eye in a polished brass plate.
"Father..."
Tamia fingered her small, pointed ears. Her hair, the pale colour of
driftwood, was straight and fine. Her mouth was set and determined,
yet slightly curved upwards as if she she was smiling at some jest no-one else could hear or understand.
Then recollection hit her.
"Ma!" She cried, spinning on her heel, all pain forgotten.
Her mother was slumped against the wall, as limp as a soliti in winter hibernation.
Tamia shook her roughly, desperation creasing her face. "Ma, wake up ma! don't do this to me!" Tear slid down her face, making her look like a child.
"Tamia..." a gasp from her mother rose tamia from her keening. "Tamia, my necklace... take it for me..." Tamia was shocked "Mother! But, Its yours! you'll be fine mother... just hang on!"
Tamia more begged then believed.
"Tamia... take the necklace. Anything of value-" she halted, gasping for breath.
"Ma I saw father! Please mother just hand on." Hysteria crept into her voice as she gazed on her mother's passive face. It seemed she didn't mind that she was dieing. "You will be fine, and it will be the same Ma! maybe father will come back to us, maybe... maybe..." Her voice trailed off, uncertain.
"No Tamia, take my necklace find... your father. I am finished. Go sweetling..." Her last words trailed off as her eyes grew dim as all of her bright life left her. All the laughter, the cheer and the steely determination Tamia relied on left her, her body no more then a decaying shell.
The days off sitting with her mother, listening to her wisdom of the wider world from her days traveling as a bard, over.
No more self-defense practice with her wily parent.
No more laughter while doing the washing.
Tamia raised her head in high, almost animal keening for her beloved mother.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
Hi nutty is this the story you were writing at school last year I havent read it all yet but I will one day
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You have writen lots and looooottttttttttttsssssssss since you started writing it last year
LIAR you told me you couldn't write that well lol. I dont think it jumped around too much, I actually like the fast-paceness in some parts, I didn't really get confused but then again if everyone else says so you may want to write that bit again. I love the decriptions ^_^ I want to know more about what they are wearing, and the structure of the houses/village or whatever if you get what I'm saying.
It's good first to chapters (or parts) make sure you capitilize at the right areas.
This was pretty good, sorry it took so long for me to read this. Anyway seriously about the start just seems very off-putting and cliché. You should maybe try put your own twist on beginning try make it more original. One thing I noticed was ya spelt dying wrong, anyway on to next part.
I liked this - okay, a little cliched beginning, and there were a few spellings and all, but pretty good!
I didn't think the hallucination/vision was confusing *looks smug* and I want to read the rest of this.
-Twit
Hey there Nutty!
I LOVED this! It was awesome! Myth did almost get everything, except for this one part:
I think you mean "hang"
And this part
got a little confusing. I read it again and it made sense, though.
I thought it was a good, strong way to start a story. You hooked me on the start and dragged my through. I can't wait to read more!
“He panted with pain” this doesn’t seem the right word to me. I would be yelling
“a grin borne from blood lust while he reached for his long dirk. “ I would say “as he reached”. It would sound more natural
“Staring at each other the hatred could be felt across the room” you should reword this, it doesn’t really make sense.
“The man was tossed like a discarded scrap against the hearth, unconscious.
'What have I done? she moaned.
Tamia felt all of her energy being sucked away. she swayed, nausea sweeping her in great waves.” This all happens too fast. You should slow it down a little. Tell is how she froze for an impossible second, her mouth open. Etc. it’s a tense moment. Make it so!
“She rose her hand” that would be “raised”, not “rose” or, better yet, you could say “her hand rose”. That would make more sense.
“struggling to get to her feet on legs unable to
comply as she would like.” Reword this, it doesn’t make sense.
“Tear slid down her face, making her look like a child. “ you should say “A tear”.
You should watch your paragraphing as well. Reread it and then correct accordingly.
Very good, all in all again. I did like it very much. Apart from the time’s I have pointed out, you have shown real talent, well done!! I am very impressed.
Keep writing
Yours
BlackDove
“He panted with pain” this doesn’t seem the right word to me. I would be yelling
“a grin borne from blood lust while he reached for his long dirk. “ I would say “as he reached”. It would sound more natural
“Staring at each other the hatred could be felt across the room” you should reword this, it doesn’t really make sense.
“The man was tossed like a discarded scrap against the hearth, unconscious.
'What have I done? she moaned.
Tamia felt all of her energy being sucked away. she swayed, nausea sweeping her in great waves.” This all happens too fast. You should slow it down a little. Tell is how she froze for an impossible second, her mouth open. Etc. it’s a tense moment. Make it so!
“She rose her hand” that would be “raised”, not “rose” or, better yet, you could say “her hand rose”. That would make more sense.
“struggling to get to her feet on legs unable to
comply as she would like.” Reword this, it doesn’t make sense.
“Tear slid down her face, making her look like a child. “ you should say “A tear”.
You should watch your paragraphing as well. Reread it and then correct accordingly.
Very good, all in all again. I did like it very much. Apart from the time’s I have pointed out, you have shown real talent, well done!! I am very impressed.
Keep writing
Yours
BlackDove
Total coolness. Myth did pretty much point out all the grammar/spelling issues. I want to read the next bit, but luckily you've already written it so I'll go read it now. ^^
i dont really have annything to add to what myth said , exept she forget to complement you , this was immaculate , i liked it . Reminded me of somthing else i read in a book. FUMBS UP BLAD < DONT GIVE UP .
Wow, this was great! I was a bit confused about the hallucination/dream/whatever it was scene and I had to read it again to fully get it, but that and a few minor punctuation and spelling errors were all I could find wrong with it. This really got me hooked, and I look foward to reading more of it. Keep writing!
Keep writing! I'm hooked!
Kwl storie lots of description
fair enough with the stock-standered stuff, but this is only the beginning. I have plans so dont worry. And about the tears, I will re-write that. I really only meant her face crumples like a child's (she's only fourteen, after all). Not that crying is childish.
"Span" here should be "spun," I believe.
Anyway, there are a few continuity/logical errors that I spotted.
First was that, since I'm assuming this takes place in a medieval setting, lifting a pot from the harth would be serious work. They were, I believe, quite large and heavy: more like what we'd think of as a cauldron than a pot. It would also probably very hot if the fire was on: you would need to protect your hands somehow. I could be wrong about your setting, though, so ...
Second, your antagonist pulls out a dirk, but it's later refered to as a dagger. I always figured they were different things, but I could be wrong. (A dirk might be a type of long dagger or short sword, now that I think about it.)
Generally when people suffer head trauma, they won't say "my head!" Instead, most will just groan. (Think about last time you inadvertantly smacked your head, did you say "my head!" or did you say something to the effect of "owf*ck!"?)
*
In terms of the story itself, it didn't really grab me. The characters, plot, and scenes were pretty basic stock fantasy stuff: the clever, pretty girl with some military training, the dead or dying mother, the evil assailant, the mysterious heritage, the magical heirloom, even the sudden burst of magical power. I think you really need to work on fleshing out your characters and universe, and doing something to make this different than every other fantasy story.
Myth pretty much got everything. Its an awesome story, and I can't wait to read more! Keep writing!
solitis will be explained later
Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review
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You should avoid capital letters when shouting, the exclamation mark shows the character is angry, etc.
Capitalise ‘t’.
End quotation mark needed and also ‘she’ needs to be capitalised.
^^^ See quote
I think ‘but’ should be ‘whether’ because she doesn’t know why she’s raising her hand.
Flows better without the ‘her to’.
Was that supposed to be ‘realised’ or ‘recognised’? Also, I think you could change ‘surrounded’ to avoid repetition.
‘her’ = he
What is a ‘soliti’?
I’m sure you know what is wrong there. How does a tear make her look like a child?
*
Hello!
Make sure to read through your work carefully there are plenty of errors you’ve missed. There are some letters that need to be capitalised, separate new speakers with dialogues—sometimes it seems one person has spoken where there are actually two people there. You have periods ending dialogue when there should be commas and a couple of spelling mistakes. One other thing I noticed was this:
There should be a comma after ‘Ma’.
Please space out your work, it makes it hard to read.
I’d like to see more, there was nothing I read that made me think, “This is really good, I’d love to read more!” or maybe that’s just me.
-- Myth
The flash left imprints of the man's shocked face to be forever imprinted her mind.
This bit is awkward when I read it. Change it.
Your story has potential but the halluncination bit was confusing and hence it had an affect of making the whole story confusing. I had to read it several times to get the meaning.
I am interested in what happens next. Please go on ^^
P.S: Please don't make it confusing
OMG!!! Your story is GENIUS!!! I loved every bit of it. Your description is polished to perfection, and you kept me very entertained from beginning to end. Very well done!!!
Luv
Aquatic Angel
Loved it! Very suspenseful.
Good Job!
Oh, didn't read part II. Too long! I am chatting with you now.
Buh-Bye!
Imagine <3
Excellent Prose! Wonderful descriptions of the settings and charactors.
It leapt from one thing to another a bit and I found myself confused a bit. If you re write it think of correcting that a little if you can. Otherwise it was great.
I put part one one on as well for those who didn't read it originally.