"End of the world," You
gesture to the bowl of overcast fields
through dusty glass. "Who would protect you?"
I clamp needles between eyelids and
teeth
careful not to spit them out
"Do I know them?"
Who am I to judge? A hypothetical apocolypse
while dressed in my pajamas
Violence by volume is common in your house
I cower in ours
and as a triumphant storm you continue
"Choose,
One Hundred Men, or
one hundred women."
a preacher to his subjects, father
you answered yourself; "Women cannot live
without men."
the argument fades into obscurity
but your words stay polished
blunting needles that pierce my tongue
still
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139,521 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
This was deep and relatable, which I loved!
There are some significant spacing errors but that my just be the site screwing it up, take a look at it and see if you can fix it, though! (It gets really, really, really irritating.) Also, I dislike how you break up the dialogue and lines and please re-evaluate punctuation and capitalisation and keep your style consistent throughout the piece.
Overall, I really enjoyed this piece (enjoyed it a lot, actually) but I would of liked for it to be a bit more brushed up and tidy (I assume this is a first draft?)
Well done,
Tate x
Hello Nutty! I have come, as requested. :3
This was was deep, bro. I keep reading it to get a better understanding of it, and the more I read, the more I like it.
At first I thought this actually was about an apocalypse, and I admit I found it a bit confusing based on that assumption. But after re-reading it, this sounds more like a sermon. I have to say, as a sermon, I like this poem a lot better. It has more meaning.
I kept stumbling over this line. I'm not sure why, but it was the 'needles' and 'eyelids' that got me every time. Even 'clamp' was hard to get by without double-taking. I think the reason for this may be because of all the - for lack of a better to way of putting it - 'big words'. It's like there's too many nouns in that line, and that's mostly it? I'm really not sure how to describe it!
I honestly don't understand what the needles are- but wait! I have good news; I don't often understand things. Just keep in mind that it may be a little confusing, and your point might not be getting across to some people. I mean I'm hoping that the needles do represent something, 'cause you did mention them a few times!
This is my favourite line. Actually it was this line that made me rethink whether this really was about the end of the world or not. I got confused when I first read it and thought you were possibly throwing random things in there... xD But then I understood. Or at least I'm pretty sure I understand.
I like it. Keep the poetry flowing~
~Tobi~
Thanks, Tobi! =D
(I'll probably bother you again soon for more reviewing >=D)
You're welcome! :3
(AWESOME xD)
The lack of reviews on this is appalling. Let me remedy said situation (though I fear this'll be brief as well).
I love piercing poetry. I love the stuff that takes on larger subjects and makes them small and relatable and personal above all things. It's one of the hardest things a poet can do, because poetry takes on so many shifting forms, sometimes addressing those littler, more subtle feelings with grand enthusiasm. So in this particular case, I applaud the way you reached with this. And I applaud the subject matter. Fantastical or not, the way this touches on gender and socioeconomics is quite intriguing.
My biggest concern comes with the way this poem holds itself up. You do try and connect your metaphor by interweaving the bit of needle imagery through the first and last stanza. A delicate weight to bear when coming to terms with certain decisions one makes. In the greater scheme of things, the fantastical imagery you use is very intriguing, and unique, but hard to digest and decipher. It leaves the reader unsatisfied the first few reads, or completely depending on what someone might garner from this.
I will admit, you also had me stumped a bit over this:
We get placated with this apocalyptic sort of imagery, and it feels both heavy and harsh, but these two lines seem like they make the narrator out to not care as much about the decision, or the delicate way they bare the needles. If the narrator bears something, shouldn't said person be the one to judge? And if so, why the pyjamas?
Otherwise, I think this is a very interesting bit of work if not even a bit over my own head in some ways. I like that I want to read it again, and I really like the fact that I wanted to read it a good solid few times before addressing it at all. I think that speaks highly of you and your work.
Impressive,
~ Walker
Thank you, Dreamwalker <3
I haven't really written poetry before at all, to be honest, so I can't say I'm surprised that it's a bit shaky on the structural aspect! I feel like I need to read about two thousand more poems to improve. xD
...Speaking of which, if you have any recommendations for poets, I totally want to hear them. I feel like a kid playing with legos, except the legos are words.
gosh, my top three poets would probably be Siken, Ginsberg, and Plath but there's so many to choose from and it's really what inspires you. e.e. cummings is great too but i love free verse poetry or poetry that one literally tears oneself up before piecing oneself back together in words. anything that feels like heartbreak. Lumi, Pocket, and LadySpark are great YWS poets as well if you're looking for something a little closer to home.
I'm not very good at interpreting and analysing poetry but I definitely like the language of the poem.
It`s very good! Though I read it a few times trying to figure out what it meant. (I love puzzle poems
) I couldn`t figure it out and my melancholy mind is driving me nuts so I will shamefully admit I didn`t get it. Could you help me out and put my mind to rest? lol
I'm interested in what you think it /could/ be about- did you have any ideas?
I was trying to figure it out but I can't. lol It seems like two people talking while gazing into another world....It almost seems like you are comparing two different worlds. As for the woman and men thing....Wouldn't neither survive without each other?
I feel like I didn't even skim the meaning of the poem at all....I love making people never understand the true meaning of mine...now I know what it feels like, I guess!
The ending part might mean that even though what the person said is no longer in memory or an argument; your words are still polished like daggers, therefore still hurting your tongue somehow...?
*hangs head in submission* I give up, sorry for my rambling of nonsense. lol
Don't be sorry, it's not nonsense! Poetry is only as interesting as it is to those who read it.
You make some pretty interesting observations, and not far from what /I/ think it's about. =]