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Young Writers Society



Tamia's quest IV

by Nutty


The dark figure sat in the shadows for a while longer, staring after Ryn.

"Idiot."

With this he stood to his full six feet and turned up the lamp. He had dimmed it when he had sensed Ryn coming. It wouldn't do for Ryn to know who exactly he was dealing with, after all.

He ran his fingers through his short coarse hair, wincing as his claws caught in a snag.

"They never think past the next pay. Too bad for them."

An intoxicating aroma came from the next room. "Ah!" He smiled. "Dinner!"

* * *

Tamia was sore. Her feet ached, her head pounded and she was weary beyond imagination. She had walked for nine days, eating berries and roots she found in the woods.

Her shortbow was slung over her shoulder, useless. She had snapped her last string three days ago, stalking a young hare. The prospect of having no meat was enough to make her grumpy.

Apart from her physical ailments, she was reeling inside. After her mother died, she packed in a daze. The prone body of the attacker was still slumped against the hearth. She had taken out her hunting knife and drew it across his throat, all emotions numb.

She then turned her back on her mother, her home, her life. Unsure what to do, she had just chose a direction and walked.

Looking back on the day now, Tamia almost vomited. Not only had she killed a man, she had left her mother's body to rot, without the proper rituals demanded by the dead.

That night, she started a fire and stared into the flames. A owl flew overhead, its mournful call echoing Tamia's grief. It was always the worst at night, when labor was no longer distracting her. Her mind buzzed with thoughts, and her emotions boiled inside her.

If only he hadn't come.

If only she hadn't froze when he grabbed Ma.

If only she could go back and preform the rituals.

If only...

No!

Her mind rebelled. She wouldn't think of this. She can't feel like this. No more self-pity. As she lay down to sleep, she resolved to not look back.

So, in the morning, she mechanically ate some tubers she had cooked the night before. She packed up, and she walked.

Where? she didn't care.

True to her word, she had locked out all emotions. In the weeks after, she reverted back to natural instincts. She ate, slept and walked, never allowing herself thought or emotion. An observer would have thought her insane, her eyes glazed and a strange half-smile on her face.

Her once healthy hair was falling out of a much unkempt ponytail. She was filthy, dirt staining her fair skin a dusty brown. Her leather vest was torn and a leaf was snagged in her loose trousers.

"Oi! lady!"

Tamia span like a startled animal, hand on the hilt of her hunting knife, eyes searching the dense bush.

A figure dropped out of the trees, landing in a crouch.

"No need for the knife now... just want to talk."

It was a child... Tamia blinked. No. Not a child... He was too well proportioned, as though four feet tall was his intended height. His large brown eyes were dancing in mischief, and his chestnut hair looked untameable.

Tamia's eyes focused, and a light in her face was relit.

"Who... who are you?" Tamia's voice was faltering and rusty after her days of solitude.

"Me? I'm your savior."


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Sat Jun 02, 2007 9:55 am
deleted6 says...



This is much better written now, just please write thoughts in italics, or you may kill my brain. Anyway I agree with Prok but, you can use the thing I gave ya. Anyway on to part whatever... Hehe this is good just issues with way you write things.




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Mon May 21, 2007 5:25 pm
Twit wrote a review...



Nice! Good writing the way Tamia felt numb and was doing things on automatic. A few things leapt out tho: you don't mention what equipment she had at all; I think it would be good to state what she had and what she didn't. She barged out of her home in a hurry, so she wouldn't have taken much, but it would be good to be more or less specific.

-Twit




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Sun May 13, 2007 8:37 am
LowKey wrote a review...



I love how this ended. I was wondering what Tamia was doing. And who is this new person? Nutty, if I didn't already have number five at my fingertips, I'd go nuts. Pardon the pun, I didn't intend it. I liked how you wrote it. Good word use.

And oh no! I think my dad's going to tell me to go to bed! That means I need to wait for tomorrow for number five! :cry: Darn it. Oh well. I hadn't hoped to get this far any way. I really loved and can't wait to read number five! Please keep them coming! They rock! :D




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Sun Apr 15, 2007 2:58 am
HeadInTheClouds says...



All of these have been very good aside from a few gramatical errors; bravo! Would you mind PMing me when you post the next bit? I'd really appriciate it.




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Sat Apr 14, 2007 11:10 am
Insomnia wrote a review...



Hey! Just read this with all the other parts. I'd been looking forward to it but I didn't realise it was even out lol. Worth the wait. ;)

Everything Tamia done seemed realistic for someone who had lost their world, and I loved the attention to detail, shown when you said her voice was faltering and rusty. Shows a lot of thought.

Anyway, I think everything that needed to be said already had been, but I just wanted to comment and say how much I like reading this. :)




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Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:02 am
Prokaryote wrote a review...



Nutter Butter --

I'm not much for fantasy, and since I haven't read the previous parts of this story, I can't fully critique its plot. Couple things though:

1. Double-space your paragraphs.

2. The girl seems written well, and I like how she tries to block out her emotions, because that seems fairly realistic.

3. That kid is way too eloquent.

But otherwise, I didn't think it was written badly at all.

Hurrah!

Prokaryote




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Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:32 am
cheeb wrote a review...



I totally got the sensation that she was like a robot, doing stuff automatically, but also like an animal, doing stuff by instinct, and less human than usual. The "savior"'s description was excellent.

Now we come to a cliffhanger... *sigh*.




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Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:01 am
BlackDove wrote a review...



I am reviewing this as I read, so forgive me if I am inconsistant :)

“The prospect of having no meat was enough to make her grumpy.” It would make anyone grumpy! Try saying something a little stronger, like “Furious” or you could say it was enough to make her quit and go home!

Also, it would be better to get into the habit of a new paragraph for every new paragraph, not merely a new line. It’s easier to read on the internet, although publishers wont accept it. (stupid publishers! :x )

“Looking back on the day now, Tamia almost vomited” you should say “That day” cause it happened a while ago.

“A owl flew overhead, its mournful call echoing Tamia's grief. It was always the worst at night, when labor was no longer distracting her. Her mind buzzed with thoughts, and her emotions boiled inside her.” I do like this though! Well done! And afterwards when her thoughts are spinning inside her and you have used short paragraphs, single sentences, very clever. :D

“she mechanically ate some tubers” this is good. :D

All in all, I don’t see much wrong with it. It’s obvious you can write, and write well. I would like to see more of this piece. I am surprised no one has reviewed sooner! :)

Yours
BlackDove :D




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Sat Mar 24, 2007 8:55 am
Riedawriter23 wrote a review...



Ah, wonderful ending! And I love how this felt like action but was really after the action. I don't have much to really critique except maybe check for capitals after periods. Otherwise it was great.

When you get more to this make sure to tell me so I can review more on it. :)

Great job, Keep at it!
~Rieda





I just write poetry to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway.
— Vogon Captain (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)