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by Lauren2010
  • June 3, 2010
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Fantasy
  • Old Stuff
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A big thanks to all reviewers, this is currently being rewritten.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Lauren2010
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Lauren2010 commented · Mon Jun 07, 2010 1:15 pm

Thanks so much for the reviews guys! :D

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Spitfire
Review
Spitfire wrote a review · Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:48 pm

Okay so I haven't read any of the previous Eventides, so my review is purely on this one...

Lauren2010 wrote:Mother returned to the kitchen with an armful of medicines which clattered onto the round wooden kitchen table. She wasted no time for chat or explanations. She wrenched the lid from a jar that contained a thick white cream and set to work applying it to a criss-cross pattern of scrapes along his cheek. He winced as she worked the cream into the scrapes, but relaxed as it soothed the injuries.

You say she goes and gets things, but forget to mention she goes to Nolen and starts applying the cream to him. Also, you don't really mention it is Nolen, you just say "him"

Lauren2010 wrote:Natura left the table and dragged herself up the thin wooden staircase that led to her room. She collapsed on her bed and stared at the ceiling. The burning of the mud substance on her knees and cheek kept her awake until tiredness took over and eased her into dream-filled slumber.

I find this part seems a little rushed. Why exactly does she leave the table? Does the conversation not interest her? Or is she just tired?

This was a really good chapter! I'd never actually gotten to reviewing anything of yours (sorry about that :( ) but I'm definitely liking this! The whole chapter kept me... entranced, if you will. I loved all the description of, well, everything. It seemed so real, like you could really be there :smt002
I don't know if you have other chapters up... I'll go check, but if you don't, PM me anytime! :smt003

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ladyKixRox
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ladyKixRox commented · Thu Jun 03, 2010 6:28 pm

My gosh this was such a joy to read! All of that Editing payed off big time! I love this especially the playful free nature of the characters! I love Natura! xD!

~Lady Kix

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borntobeawriter
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borntobeawriter wrote a review · Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:49 pm

Hey Lauren!

It's my turn to return the favour and review for you! Yay!

A young Icarthian woman breathed heavily, pulling sweet, leafy forest air into her lungs. The roughness of the ancient oak she rested against cut through the thin fabric of her dark green tunic, scraping against her back, but she didn’t notice. She was breathless, and intoxicated by the power that ran through her veins. She leaned her head back against the tree and closed her eyes, concentrating on the rapid beating of her heart
I already enjoy the beginning more than the previous one. It's very vivid, beautifully written.

It reached out as far as the woman was able to push it before drawing back to her faster than it had moved away. The woman gasped and stumbled backwards as the power surged back into her body
Again, very visual. I could almost physically see this as I imagined a rubber band springing into action. Nicely done :D

“Nice try,” the boy said, his voice close behind her
Haha!

“You see, the ending arrow shouldn’t be the decision of the true victor. The true victor ought to be the one who tracked the best, fought valiantly, and proved himself the strongest!” Nolen explained, gesturing with his arm that wasn’t around Natura’s shoulders for emphasis.
*groan* Of course a guy would say that. Stupid pride lol

He laughed and put his arm around her shoulders. “I guess I can let you claim victory to this one,” he said. “But you watch, I’ll get you next time.”

“Not on your life,” Natura said, smiling. She leaned into her brother and took in the evening atmosphere of Parcel. They followed along one of the outer roads in the village, where the family cottages stood, but the sounds of activity in the village square flowed over the thatched roofs of the homes
Aww I love this. Do you have siblings? I do, and its the kind of easy and loving relationship I have with them. :smt003

Well then! I dare anyone to say there was just one boring part in here! Oh wow, Lauren! This was great, honest to goodness. At first, I was under the impression that Natura was much older because you referred to her as being 'the woman', then 'the boy'. But they're only three years apart. Personally, I would change that so as to not confuse but that might only be me. See what the other reviewers have to say.

It was a brilliant piece, two invisible thumbs up to you!
Pm me for the next? (it was a question mark but it's actual a disguised order) LOL
Tanya :D



'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
— Ari11