"Long ago, before the land we know today came to be, there were ten countries on this land. These ten countries all had their own governments, their own races." the old woman brushed her long grey hair behind her ear, as was her custom, as she told the familiar story.
My grandmother always told the story the same way, but it never grew old.
"They all lived peacefully together, never a war, never any trouble at all, until one dark day. That day doors were opened. One deep in the mountains, one deep in the forests, and one deep in the ocean. Out of the doors escaped shadows. These shadows were the lost Arnivians. Arnivia had once been a small isle near the Land of the Ten Countries, it had one day disappeared. Everyone thought maybe it had never existed, that it was only a story, so it went unnoticed." she always paused for effect like any great storyteller knows how to do.
"But many knew that a great evil magic had destroyed all who had lived there. When the three doors were opened, these shadows escaped from the realm they had been banished to, and a great darkness overtook the Land of the Ten Countries. These shadows lived alongside those already there and tormented them. They were all lead by one nameless man. This man was not a shadow, but a regular person overtaken by a great evil unleashed by the darkness. The nameless leader had a great power, greater than any power known to those of the Land of the Ten Countries. One day Arnivia once again appeared in the sea and his dark castle overtook it. The Land of the Ten Countries did not know what to do, the shadows were covering the Land of the Ten Countries. Soon the only beings left would be the shadows."
I would sit in anticipation and fear, sometimes as the only listener, sometimes with other children from my grandmothers village, and sometimes with my little brother, Nolen. Although my mother disliked it when he was told stories that may frighten him.
"The king of the most powerful country, Ascensia, formulated a plan. He called for the strongest of each country to make his way to the Great Ascensian City. He knew that only the strongest would even make it through the shadows to his castle. He was surprised though by the similarities of the strongest."
"Ooo, ooo, I know how they were alike!" Nolen would jump in every time.
Our grandmother would always respond the same way. "Now young Nolen. If you take the story away from the storyteller, you are taking away their life. A storyteller lives their story, now may I finish?"
It always sent him into obediant silence.
"Well first, they were all young women of twenty years and second, they possessed powers extraordinarily beyond what was common at the time. The king was almost unable to let them proceed, but they had proved the strongest so he allowed it."
She always looked at Nolen to make sure she got it right, making amends like always.
"He ordered special armor to be made and unique swords to be forged in a great city beneath the mountains. These swords were made to channel a special magical energy that would be useful to the ten ladies. When they were prepared, the ladies rode into battle."
She paused. When she started telling the story again any listener would be unable to avoid the picture her words drew in your head. It was always obvious this was her favorite part of the story.
"They rode directly across the sea and to the dark castle. The King of Shadows was appalled that the Land of the Ten Countries thought so little of him that they would send ten young women to defeat him. He was even more shocked to find that they bore a magic so great that when used together it could destroy anything. From these ladies eminated an energy so pure, so perfectly good, that no evil could withstand it. Their great power soon overcame him. He was quickly defeated and together the Ladies of the Light, as they came to be known, locked away the shadows behind the doors that had been opened and broke the key into ten pieces ato hide throughout the Land of the Ten Countries. When the Ladies of the Light returned to the Great Ascensian City they were greatly honored. Bestowed upon them were ten amulets of different colors and were then named guardians of the new world."
The story always pleased her so. You could always see the smile hiding at the edge of her mouth when she spoke of the Ladies of the Light.
"The ten countries came together to form one country of Ascensia, and the province which had been the country of Ascensia regained a form of its old name as the province of Lindai. Before long, the Guardians grew old and felt they were not suited for protecting Ascensia any longer. They met in a sacred place known only to the ten of them and placed their power into their amulets. These amulets where then passed down through their families. To their daughters, then their daughters’ daughters, and so on and so forth." The old woman told as she had so many times before.
"And that's how I got mine!" I exclaimed as I did every time I heard the story.
"Yes young Natura." she always responded lovingly. "Even though it is usually passed from mother to daughter I pass mine from grandmother to granddaughter. And you are so young it is rare for you to receive it so early."
"That's because I'm special." I always demanded proudly.
"Yes young one. You are very special." she responded with a knowing look in her eyes which I never took for much more than a grandmothers love.
"What happened to the Guardians next?" I always asked.
"Well. The time came for them to pass on to the next world. They prepared to meet their ancestors, but were surprised when they were left as powerful spirits to remain as silent protectors over this world. Remaining as Guardians as they had always loved to be." she finished.
That story amazed me when I was still young enough to believe fairytales, when I could believe that there had been such an evil, and such a power to destroy it. I believed that my necklace was more than an old family heirloom. But I soon came to realize that the Guardians were nothing more than a story to keep a young child satisfied. I now know that it's just a polished green stone set in a small ring of gold on a leather string, with a small metal clasp holding it together. It holds no unknown power, and I will never become a Guardian.
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Hiya! Rosey here and I'll be your reviewer for today.
I found this to be a bit counter-intuitive. At first I thought the lines were just an exerp from a historical text, but then you add a tag on here and it throws me. Try to re-work this so it sounds more like a person speaking. That, or possibly put a tag before the dialogue.
You've used "always" twice in this sentence.
I find the description of the dialogue and the dialogue don't match. You don't have enough description in the dialogue/story to draw any picture in your head. Add in some more description or put more description on the grandmother to make these two paragraphs fit together.
You build up the story, telling us this whole legend, and then you drop us down by saying she'll never become a Guardian. My first thought when reading that was "So, what's the story?" There was a little voice telling me that she was about to be proven wrong, but it still didn't overpower my first thought.
~~
Description: Yes, I know this is mostly dialogue and that it's supposed to be a children's story. However, that doesn't mean you can skimp out on the scene around the MC, nor can you skimp out on the details in the story. For instance, when you say that the grandmother could weave the story together so well that nobody could help but picture it, add some more description on the grandmother. Say how she leans forward in her chair, drops her voice down to make things more serious, points her finger in the air for emphasis, that sort of thing.
Add some more mental imagery in the story itself as well. Right now the events are told point blank without much extra detail (armor was made, swords were forged, horses were provided, they rode across the ocean). Look at old fables and fairy-tales. They add some adjectives to any sort of events they give. Instead of saying "special armor" you could say something like "armor that would be able to withstand their powers and the shadows." That's just a random example, but you get the picture.
Format: I don't know how much I like the way this prologue is set up. Because you haven't given us that much description on anything, seeing this all in dialogue has the same effect as seeing this as a flash-back. In fact, I would suggest adding a paragraph to start this off to properly introduce this story as a flash-back, perhaps using something like, "I remember, long ago, sitting at my grandmother's feet and listening to her tell the story of the _____ (<-- whatever the name of this legend is)" and then going into the actual story. It would draw the reader in a bit more, and prepare us for the change from the story to the thoughts on the story at the end.
Ending: I found it closed off all options to continue the story. Give us a little hint as to how things have changed since the Ladies of Light crossed over to the other world. Perhaps how people have forgotten the lessons of those days, where light and dark were so well defined? How the world has fallen into apathy of those times, not just your MC? Open up the ending so it's not so final.
Hope my comments help!
~Rosey
Hi Lauren

You, like Natura, are special. You tell this story well, and it is a pleasure to read. Despite the fact that I very rarely enjoy first person narrations, at the moment, yours seems credible enough, and I applaud you for that.
There are only one or two points that I would like to pick up on. Firstly, you overuse a couple of words. "Responded" for instance has been used far too many times throughout the piece. The word "responded", for example, unlike the word "said" or the phrase "would say" does take its toll on the eye, and your use of the word is noticeable. You can use the words "say", "said", "ask" or "asked" as many times as you want to, as most readers' eyes do not register these words, and they therefore do not detract from the reader's attention on your story: the place where you want to focus your readers attention. Most of the time this is a good principle to stick to, and it is therefore a good idea to use the aforementioned words in most contexts.
Another overused word, is "always", which could often be replaced with "would". I am sure a writer of your caliber would know when to change it.
Also, a second point which isn't really a criticism, but rather a reader's request for clarification of emotion on the part of the grandmother when she tells the story. You have successfully showed us the emotions of the girl and her brother during the grandmother's tale, but you might want to tell us the grandmother's emotions as she tells the story. When does she get excited? Does she ever disguise her feelings, get sad, or anything of the like?
You have written a great piece, and should be proud of it. Please PM me when the next bit is up.
Have a good one!