Thanks to all reviewers, this is currently being rewritten.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi! I'm so sorry I got to this so late, but I'm here.
So let's see...
Okay the first thing I saw when I read the first few paragraphs was it was more of telling. Like 'She did this and she saw that'. Vary that up. For example:
Instead of using 'The woman' just use the word 'She'. She stood up and straightened her back, looking at the string of leaves above. Something like that.
Although it get better later on.
I have no problems with your vocabulary, which is great!
I don't have much else to add with the previous reviews and all.
But I did enjoy this, I mean it went by smoothly and slowly with nice flow. Keep at it!
~Pink
Hey there Lauren! Tis WD as requested! I really enjoyed reading this--I especially liked how the reader could not be entirely sure if Nolen was truly an enemy or rather a sibling of hers at the beginning. In the beginning, you wrote it so that I could feel there was some close bond between them and you regarded him as 'boy', which made me suspect it was her brother, but you didn't make it overtly obvious until the reveal. That was very well done!
Your writing style is lovely--your prose is simple, but it conveys the characters and plot effectively. Quite well done! I am getting a pretty good feeling for your characters, but there are still moments when I feel you're still using some of those 'telling' crutches. I'll go through this with a few nitpicks and a few parts where I saw this, kay? Twill sum it up at the end.
This is purely a personal nitpick.
Here's an example of where I can feel the prose still leaning a little too heavily on those telling crutches. What does Nolen sound/look like when he's annoyed? Tis a rather vague description that takes away from the development of Nolen.
Can an expression cling? That phrase sounds rather odd to me. An expression can change/contort with discontent but can an expression of a certain emotion really cling?
Why do you tell us Nolen was completely recovered? I know you're trying to keep the prose from dragging during their journey, but strong, well-placed detail engages the reader more than pace. Character development would improve greatly here if you give us more about Nolen recovering.
Mmm, I think some more detail would be nice here. This is a perfect opportunity to give us just a taste of physical description. Not too much, but enough to give us an image.
Feared a much less appealing effect? Sounds a little awkward.
So, your prose is running strongly! You don't need some of those telling crutches. I would urge you to start thinking about some well-placed detail. Your world and characters have their basic layouts and especially Natura is getting some great development, but keep in mind it's the specific details and character mysteries that help draw readers in. The character development is strong, but I'm not sucked in head-over-heels hard by her character yet. Don't be afraid to let her shine. I would urge you to break free and start experimenting with some of that. You have the foundations down strong--it's going great! So do away with those 'telling' crutches and start having fun with those characters.
I guess what I'm trying to say is your writing is clean! So be confident, experiment, forge ahead, develop your style and don't be afraid to mess around with details.
All in all, this is very nice! Do keep writing!
Hi, Lauren! I'm here to review your work! First off, let me say that this setting already has me interested. I like the idea of having wolf companions for humans (or is it just these two?). And I'll admit that I thought the fight in the beginning was real until Alaster and the other wolf began to play. It was very real for me.
I only have one nitpick:
In parts like this, you use phrases like "just barely," "mostly," and "completely" too many times at once, and it gets to be monotonous. Try and rephrase the sentence so you only use one of those or two at most, and it will be fine.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this! I think your setting is solid so far, and I hope to see more of it. The names you use, especially Alaster, are good for a fantasy, but not too far-fetched to be cliched. Are you planning on writing more of this?
Good job!