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Young Writers Society



Guardians Chapter 1 Part 1 - Edited

by Lauren2010


Ive been working on cutting things down. At least in amount posted in each post, sorry my first was so long! Read and Review please! =)

It is a normal day in the forest, the birds are singing, small animals are chattering in the trees, and I am just riding along on my horse enjoying the sun streaming in through the trees. I know these trails, these trees, these rocks, these sounds. I've lived in Icarthia for my whole life.

But soon I come to something I don't know, a small dark path leading into an unknown part of the forest. I look down it, trying to see where it leads, but I only see darkness.

Now an intelligent person would not follow this strange path into an unknown part of the forest, any person who cared at all about their survival would not follow this trail. But as I look down this path, I feel the overwhelming urge to follow it. Something is pulling at me to follow it. I don't just want to go, I need to go.

As soon as I start down it, everything is engulfed in darkness. The forest sounds fall away behind me. Everything gets quieter, and darker as I go on.

Soon enough, I come to a clearing. Across the clearing is what seems to be a small stone building. It is probably just an old stone altar, they are quite common in the forest, inside there are probably old scrawlings on the walls and old incense lying around. I've seen these before, there is nothing threatening about them.

The meadow is lush and bright.

But something seems wrong. There are still no birds chirping, no animals rustling in the trees.

Suddenly, my horse is spooked and throws me to the ground..

"Arian!" I call. "Come back here!"

But he just gallops back down the dark path..

"I've been expecting you Natura." a dark and ominous voice calls to me. "You've kept me waiting; I'm usually not this patient when it comes to matters such as these.”

I stand and turn to face what calls to me. A large figure cloaked in black is standing on the steps of the building.

I am stunned into silence, frozen in my place. "Who are you?" I say trying to keep my voice calm.

"You know who I am. I am the evil that follows you in your dreams, the inescapable fear you feel when you're alone. And soon I will hold all the pieces to dominating this world." he pauses. "All I need is for you to help me."

The figure is in front of me in seconds.

"What's wrong," he says as he circles me, "don't you want to help me? Be on my side Natura and we can be more powerful than anything ever seen in this world before. Join me and I can pomise that no harm will ever come to you, only great indomitable power."

"Never." I say through gritted teeth. "And you will never take over this world."

"Oh, don't be like that." he comes close to me and whispers in my ear, "Don't make me hurt you."

"I will never be on your side." I say louder than before.

The figure is away from me as soon as he came to me, back on the steps of the building.

"Don't say I didn't warn you." he says as all the shadows from the clearing move towards him, giving him power.

He forms a black shadowy sphere and hurls it towards me..

Before I can react the powerful magic hits me and throws me against a tree...

I scream in pain.

"Join me Natura!" He yells at me.

"No...I won’t..." I choke out.

I can't handle it though....I can't....stop him.....

Then I am sitting on my bed, screaming.

I sigh in relief and lean back against my headboard. I push my long chesnut hair behind my ear.

"Only a dream Natura," I tell myself, "it was only a dream...”

But somehow I know, as I feel the cool wood of my headboard against my back that is was much more than that.

I just sigh again though, and go back to sleep. Which is what I usually do, ignore the creepy nightmare and move on.

The next time I wake up it's a little more naturally, to the huge wolf that I love laying on top of me.

"Good morning Alaster." I say as I pat his head.

His response is a big wet lick to my face.

"Thanks." I laugh as I wipe the wolf slobber off of my face.

"Natura!" I hear my name called from downstairs. "Time for breakfast!"

"Coming!" I call back

I shove Alaster off of me and hurry to get dressed.

I bounce down the stairs and straight into a stack of books, which then scatter across our already messy kitchen floor.

"Hah, nice one Natura. Ten point landing." my little brother, Nolen, says between spoonfuls of oatmeal.

I glare at him and proceed to gather the books, shaking rosemary and thyme out of the pages and back onto the floor.

My mother is a healer, quite messy, and likes to bring her work home.

I finish and join my little brother at the table. I can hardly call him little anymore though, as he's fifteen to my seventeen.

"So what's the plan today Nolen?" I ask him over my father’s large toolbox in the middle of the table.

"Well my plan is to go practice archery with the guys." he says with a mouthful of food.

"Oh, sounds fun." I say, trying not to sound too dejected.

I guess he can't always want to hang out with his sister; he had to go and grow into a teenage guy sometime.

"Hey, do you want to face me in the woods tonight?" He says, noticing my sadness. He's always been so perceptive.

"Sure, sounds like a plan." I say, excited about his certain defeat.

"Cool." He says as he inhales the rest of his breakfast.

I watch in horror as he devours his third bowl of oatmeal and rushes out the door, bow in hand and his wolf, Waylen, following close behind.

Just as I think I am alone, Alaster runs in and sits obediatnly at my side, hoping for some of my breakfast.

"Here Alaster." I say as I set Nolens third bowl of oatmeal on the floor for him to clean.

My parents rush into the room at the same exact time, look around for something, and rush back out.

"Sweetheart," my father asks, "have you seen my toolbox?"

"No dear." my mother responds. "Have you seen my books?"

"No" he calls. I can hear him rumaging around in the next room, looking for his missing toolbox.

Ah, parents.

"Mom, your books are by the stairs. I ran into them when I came down this morning." I tell her.

"Oh thank you darling, what would we do without you?" she says relieved, but still hurried as she runs out the door.

"Frena!?" My father calls from another room.

"Dad, mom left." I call back.

"Well isn't that just dandy, I can't find my toolbox anywhere!" He complains as he walks into the kitchen.

I point at the very large carpenter’s toolbox sitting in front of me.

"Oh...thanks Natura." he says sheepishly as he picks it up and walks out.

I laugh to myself at my parents forgetfulness.

The house is calm again. I relax and finish my breakfast. I typically prefer peace and quiet, and I don't have anywhere to be today. The little school in our village let out a while ago and I'm still enjoying the benefits of doing nothing.

"Natura!" I hear a familiar voice call. “It’s a beautiful day in Parcel, heck it's a beautiful day in all of Icarthia. So get your skinny little self out here and let me look at you!"

I laugh to myself. Ah Christiana, you'd think every time I saw her that I hadn't in four years and I wouldn't see her again for three more. She was so dramatic all the time.

"Christiana you saw me yesterday, I have not changed nor will I change in the next four minutes." I call back to her.

"Fine, I guess I do enough changing for the both of us." She says, her voice closer now she must be right outside the door. "Okay, brace yourself, I have a surprise."

"Oh goodness. What did you do to yourself now?"

Christiana is always doing something crazy to herself. Her hair has been seventeen different colors and she's pierced and tattooed herself several times.

"I got a new one." She says as she jumps dramatically through the door and shows me her newly tattooed left hand.

"What is on your hand?" I asked, it looked like badly made rope weaving from her wrist around her fingers.

"Vines. The guy told me they stood for strength." She brags proudly.

"I hope that’s not permanent."

"Ugh, Natura you are so not open to change are you?" She complains as she throws herself into a chair at the table.

"No, I'm perfectly open to change, what I am not open to is putting badly drawn vines on my hand."

"Fine then. So when are you going to let me take those pretty green highlights and dye them something fun." She changes the subject.

"No way. And you never told me if that is permanent." Christiana is always bringing up my highlights. They are naturally green and I do not want them any other color.

"Ugh, no it is not permanent. They won’t put anything permanent on me down there." She sulks.

"That's smart of them." I respond.

She crosses her arms and glares at me.

"Come on, let's go. Haro is expecting us." I tell her.

"Okay." She says, still sulking dramatically.

We head out and walk toward the village square. Our village is small and not many people live here but it always seems to be busy. As we walk we are obligated to often shout greetings or stop to talk to people. Everyone knows everyone here, which can be good, and bad.

We make it to the square in twice the amount of time it should due to that fact.


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1272 Reviews


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Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:44 pm
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hiya! Rosey here and back for more.

Tense: I was a bit put off by the present tense here. It's limiting you in back-story options, it tends to lend itself to telling and you sometimes switch from present tense to past. I would experiment making this in past tense (which is what you normally see in books) just to see how this turns out.

Telling: Some lines, such as: He's always been so perceptive. Can be read as telling. re-work this so her looks at her and quickly adds that he wants to hang out with her later, and then have her remember a few times when he's picked up on her mood to make things less tell-heavy.

Another place you can get into telling is what her tone of voice is. If you replace some "said tags" with "action tags" that show us how your MC is feeling, then things are more interesting.


Tags: You don't need to begin every paragraph that has dialogue with dialogue. It can be stiff, repetitive and generally hard to read when done too much. You can easily switch lines like this:

"So what's the plan today Nolen?" I ask him over my father’s large toolbox in the middle of the table.


To this:

I look at him over my father's large toolbox in the middle of the table. "So what's the plan for today Nolen?"


By switching "said tags" with "action tags" and putting the action tags in front of the dialogue, you make things a bit easier to read and you open up a lot of character describing possibilities. Such as if they do anything before they talk like biting their lip.

Description: In short: Add more.

In long: You're being very minimal with the description here, which can cause confusion. For example, when you're describing the meadow in her dream, you don't give us any reason for the altar/temple to be spooky. You only give us why it's not spooky. Nor is there any reason for the meadow not to be lush and bright. If you describe something that is supposed to be unusual, then be sure to give a reason or the benchmark for normal in your world.

Speed: You rush through every scene here very quickly. I'd like a bit more on how often those dreams come up, more on her wolf (and her brother's wolf), flashbacks of her parents' forgetfulness, what her normal day is like, her friend Christiana, the small village, ect. A rule of thumb you might want to use is every time you add in a new character/ unusual element, put three to five lines explaining it properly. That way, readers have enough time to properly absorb all this info that you're throwing at them.

Fantasy? You haven't really explained what makes this fantasy. Is there magic around normally? What about those wolves? What does the kitchen look like? Does it have a hearth or gas-burning stove? Put some more emphasis (and explanation) on the fantasy elements in here to make this less confusing.

Time period? The language your characters use is very modern. That goes for the prose too. In Medieval times, days were not broken down into specific minutes and hours. They wouldn't be using such a measurement as "four minutes." If you really want to use that, say "few minutes." For times of day, use noon, early/late morning, dawn, dusk, ect.

Christiana's tattoos and hair-colour changes make me wonder what time period this is also. Explain very clearly why somebody in a small village would even dye their hair, and how they would do it. Dyes back in the day were very expensive and usually reserved for the upper class.

Dream: I would add more detail in and around the dream. How often has she had it? Does the "magic" in the dream surprise her because she doesn't know how he's controlling the dark, or does she know about magic because there is magic in her everyday life and she's simply afraid that he can control the dark? You've got a great kick-off for hinting that things are wrong in the world with that dream. With a little more detail, you can make this a hook that no reader can avoid. ;)

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey




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Sat Feb 28, 2009 4:04 pm
Mira wrote a review...



I loved your story. It was super cute and totally captivating. :)

Just as I think I am alone, Alaster runs in and sits obediatnly at my side, hoping for some of my breakfast.


There were only a few grammatical errors and the one that stood out the most was 'obediantly' in this sentence. Don't worry though. It didn't take away from the work. ^-^

Good job!





akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon