Thanks to everyone who reviewed, this is currently being rewritten
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi Lauren!
I just read your two chapters and I am intrigued. Can't wait to read the second part! I loved the flow of it and I have no nitpicks except maybe for one: If Natura was really screaming, why didn't anyone else run up? Where are her parents? Why didn't her brother come? I know mine would move heaven and earth if his sisters were in trouble. Just a thought....
Please pm me for the next part?
Tanya
Hi.
I didn't really find anything wrong with the story itself, but I would've liked some of your sentences to have been shorter.
than usual.The answer came with a slobbery lick-to-the-face from Alaster, standing on the the floor next to her.
"What?" He asked, oatmeal spilling out of his mouth and back into the bowl.
(You don't need to tell us it happened as he spoke.)
You could combine these two.
The level of activity in the village was lower than usual, making Natura a bit uneasy.
Or, The level of activity in the village was lower than usual, like something was wrong, which made Natura a bit uneasy.
It's probably not necessary to change, but that's how I write and that's what I like. I like things to be short, simple.
--McMourning
Hey there! This hasn't been reviewed yet, so I'll get on it.
I haven't read the first chapter, sorry, but I actually enjoyed this one! It's got a nice balance of description, and flows clearly. It's really good, actually!
There are a few small typos in there that you can pretty easily get if you just scroll through it and read it out loud. But it was generally very small things that wouldn't have much of an impact on your story. Unless, of course, you're extremely nitpicky!
The dialogue between your characters is nice. It's sort of easy going and realistic, just like it should be! You have a nice feeling between the friends that works well. As I said before, this is a lovely story. I'll be happy to read more.
~Amy