This is just something I've been working on, this is the Preface and i'll go ahead and post chapter one with it because the Preface is so short. This is sort of just a side project while im working on something else. Writers block just makes me skip around a lot
Preface
I died on September 17th, 2007.
It was a stupid thing I was doing. I never would have attempted it if I was in my right mind. But sometimes how you feel about someone else can rule you, and take away your common sense.
It doesn’t matter now though, I’m dead. Nothing can bring my life back, not one person can fix what happened then.
I’m dead, and only a handful of people still care. That person who got me into the situation is not included in that handful, and also the one person who maybe could have survived okay, and should have, didn’t.
My name is September Adams; I died on September 17th, 2007. (Irony sucks.)
Chapter 1
“September,” he said my name in the best way, the most loving way, you know how it is.
I smiled at him from the other side of the cramped classroom. It was too hot to be in school, everyone lounged in their desks waiting to be let out.
“So what are you doing tonight?” he said when he made his way to my side. His bright green eyes shone against his tan skin.
“Um, nothing,” I said, flipping my long golden hair out of my face, trying to play it cool.
“We a couple of us are heading out to Mike’s to chill, do you want to come?” he asked, smoothing back his shiny black hair.
“Sure.” I accepted, hoping I didn’t look too eager.
“Cool.” He said. He turned and walked back to a couple of his friends.
I went straight to my best friends.
“Did you see that?!” I squealed. “David Lane actually asked me out!”
“Well duh September.” My best friend Courtney said.
“Yeah,” my other best friend Kayla agreed. “You’re only the most popular girl in school.”
“It’s still exciting though.” I said, a little upset that they weren’t as excited as I was.
“Sure it is September.” Courtney said. Kayla nodded in agreement.
“Whatever. I’m going to find Jessie.” I said. Jessie would appreciate this.
I walked the almost insufferable distance, hey in this heat it was hard, to Jessie who had her nose stuck in a book.
“Hey Jessie, guess who just asked me out.” I said.
She looked up at me, excitement almost pouring out of her blue eyes. “David?!” she asked.
“Yes!” I said, happy that someone cared. “He asked me along to Mike’s to night.”
“You’ll have so much fun September.” She admired.
“You should come too!” I said. What a brilliant idea.
“I don’t know…” she looked back into her book.
“Oh come on Jessie, please? For me?” I pleaded.
She looked at me through her small wiry glasses.
“Okay.” She finally agreed.
“Yes! Thank you, thank you, and thank you!” I squealed.
“You’re welcome.” She laughed.
The final bell rang and I skipped out of the room followed by Courtney and Kayla.
We made our way to the locker room to dress for cheer practice.
“So,” Kayla jumped at me when we were the only ones left in the locker room. “After Mike’s party, are you and David gonna…you know.”
“Ugh.” I said.
“What?!” she asked defensively.
“She means she’s not a slut like you Kayla.” Courtney stated.
Kayla glared at Courtney. “I am not a slut, I just explore my opportunities.” She explained.
Courtney dropped the tired conversation. Most likely it would pick back up later, and it was too hot to argue right now.
“Come on ladies, we’re going to be late.” I said as I rushed out of the locker room in my black cheer shorts and light blue tank top.
We rushed out to the big grassy field by our football field for practice.
It was too hot. The other cheerleaders lounged on the dry grass and fanned themselves.
“September,” one complained. “It is way too hot to be practicing.”
I looked around at the faces of the other cheerleaders, everyone agreed. I considered it. We had a competition in a few weeks and we needed the practice, but no one would be doing their best in this heat.
“Okay, let’s just go home.” I decide.
“Three cheers for captain September!” A tall boy named Steven yelled.
“Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!” The team chanted.
I laughed. “No get out of here.”
Everyone jumped up and hurried away, chatting about the next big game as they went.
I smiled to myself, now I had time to get ready for Mike’s.
“September!” a familiar voice called.
“Danny!” I turned to see my life-long friend Danny trotting towards me.
“Hey.” He breathed when he reached me.
“Hey there.” I said.
“Danny Kline you get yourself back here this instant!”
I looked over Danny’s shoulder. The Blipity Blopity High School Soccer coach was yelling across the field.
“Shouldn’t you be at practice?” I asked, laughing a little.
“Yes.” He laughed. “But I wanted to tell you something.”
“What?” I was concerned, Danny wouldn’t leave practice for much.
“I heard you are going out to Mike’s with David Lane tonight.” He said.
I couldn’t help but smile, he didn’t like that.
“September, please be careful. David Lane isn’t the greatest guy.” Danny looked way too concerned.
“Oh come on Dan, lighten up.” I pushed him a little.
“Just, be careful okay?” he said before he turned and trotted back to practice, his coach screaming the whole time.
I headed toward the student parking lot. Danny didn’t know what he was talking about. David was a great guy. But his concern still worried me.
I shrugged off the worry. Danny was just protective, he’d been my best friend forever, and we’d lived next door to each other ever since I can remember.
I turned on my car and blasted the AC. It was way too hot for September 17th.
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Canary word: Present
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This sentence would sound better if you reword it.
Don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
The "then" isn't needed.
This is a run-on sentence.
This is another run-on sentence.
This sentence doesn't make sense.
This is could be one sentence.
There should be a comma after "followed."
Use another word besides "get."
Use another word besides "get."
This is a run-on sentence.
This story is okay, but it dragged on. The cheer leading section just dragged on, with parts repeated over and over again. It was okay, but could had been better.
Thanks for the input! I'll work on that and I have a little more to put up and i'll do that later today maybe. Thanks again!
I felt that there was to much talking and not enough, paragraphs that could

build a very good picture in your head. Don't get me wrong it still got a good
picture in my head and i thought it was a good story and it has potential. But there needs
to be more descriptive paragraphs.
But still very good
Well done
Borntoshop
Just wanted to say that this is a nice opening sentence. It keeps the reader wanting to read more.
The 'then' wasn't needed.
Maybe take out the "I'm dead," part because you've stated that many times already.
This sentence is really long, maybe you could change around some of the sentences and separate them.
This sentence is not really needed. You already said she died a bunch of times. You also said the date she died. Maybe you could fit her name in some other part.
I think you meant "Well."
There should be a comma after 'cool' and lowecase 'he'.
You use said a lot. Maybe try some more descriptive word choice.
Comma after "Jessie." Again, please try something other then "said." Try announced or muttered.
After this most of the mistakes are just repeats.
My overall impression are that you've got an interesting storyline and I'm interested to see where you go with it, if you choose to continue and add another part.
As I mentioned, you use 'said' way to much. Try more interesting word choice and please decribe the setting a little better. The most I got out of the school was basically that it was hot. Also, I'm not quite sure what the MC looks like, or most of the other characters. Try to add more detail to that good.
So, this was okay. Keep it up and I hope you add more.