Hey, I'm new to this whole place so hello to everyone out there =)
This is a story i've been working on. It's fantasy and takes place in a world i created, but you can read to find out anything else. It's a work in progress and I'm just looking for some good feedback. Let me know how it goes.
PROLOGUE
"Long ago, before the land we know today came to be, there were ten countries on this land. These ten countries all had their own governments, their own races. They all lived peacefully together, never a war, never any trouble at all, until one dark day. That day doors were opened. One deep in the mountains, one deep in the forests, and one deep in the ocean. Out of the doors escaped shadows. These shadows were the lost Arnivians. Arnivia had once been a small isle near the Land of the Ten Countries, it had one day disappeared. Everyone thought maybe it had never exsisted, that it was only a story, so it went unnoticed. But many knew that a great evil magic had destroyed all who had lived there. When the three doors were opened, these shadows escaped from the realm they had been banished to, and a great darkness overtook the Land of the Ten Countries. These shadows lived alongside those already there and tormented them. The were all lead by one nameless man. This man was not a shadow, but a regular person overtaken by a great evil unleashed by the darkness. Arnivia once again appeared in the sea and his dark castle overtook it. The Land of the Ten Countries did not know what to do. The king of the most powerful country, Ascensia, formulated a plan. He called for the strongest of each country to make his way to the Great Ascensian City. He knew that only the strongest would even make it through the shadows to his castle. He was suprised though my the similarities of the strongest. First, they were all young women of twenty years and second, they possesed powers extraordinarily beyond what was common at the time. The king was almost unable to let them proceed, but they had proved the strongest so he allowed it. He ordered special armour to be made and unique swords to be forged in a great city beneath the mountians. These swords were made to channel a special magical energy that would be useful to the ten ladies. When they were prepared, the ladies rode into battle. The rode directly across the sea and to the dark castle. The King of Shadows was appalled that the Land of the Ten Countries thought so little of him that they would send ten young women to defeat him. He was even more shocked to find that they bore a magic so great that when used together it could destroy anything. From these ladies eminated a pure light that quickly overcame him. He was quickly defeated and together the Ladies of the Light, as they came to be known, locked away the shadows behind the doors they had opened and broke the key into ten peices and hid them throughout the land. When the Ladies of the Light returned to the Great Ascensian City they were greatly honored. Bestowed upon them were ten amulets of different colors and were then named guardians of the new world. The ten countries came together to form one country of Ascensia, and the province which had been Ascensia regained a form of its old name in the province of Lindai. Before long, the Guardians grew old and felt they were not suited for protecting Ascensia so they met and placed their power into their amulets. These amulets where then passed down through their families. To their daughters, then their daughters daughters, and so on and so forth." The old woman told as she had so many times before.
"And that's how I got mine!" a younger version of myself exclaimed as she did every time she heard the story.
"Yes young Natura." she always responded lovingly. "Even though it is usually passed from mother to daugher I pass mine from grandmother to granddaughter. And you are so young it is rare for you to recieve it so early."
"That's because I'm special." I always demanded proudly.
"Yes young one. You are very special." she responded knowingly.
"What happened to the Guardians next?" I always asked.
"Well. The time came for them to pass on to the next world. They prepared to meet their ancestors, but were suprised when they were left as powerful spirits to remain as silent protectors over this world. Remaining as Guardians as they had always loved to be." she finished.
That story amazed me when I was still young enough to believe fairytales, when I could believe that there had been such an evil, and such a power to destroy it. I believed that my necklace was more than an old family heirloom. But I soon came to realize that the Guardians were nothing more than a story to keep a young child satisfied. I now know that it's just a polished green stone set in a small ring of gold on a leather string, with a small metal clasp holding it together. It holds no unknown power, and I will never become a Guardian.
CHAPTER ONE
It is a normal day in the forest, the birds are singing, small animals are chattering in the trees, and I am just riding along on my horse enjoying the sun streaming in through the trees. I know these trails, these trees, these rocks, these sounds. But soon I come to something I don't know, a small dark path leading into an unknown part of the forest.
Now an intelligent person would not follow this strange path into an unknown part of the forest, any person who cared at all about their survival would not follow this trail. But as I look down this path, I feel the overwhelming urge to follow it. I don't just want to go, I need to go.
As soon as I start down it, everything is engulfed in darkness. The forest sounds fall away behind me. Everything gets quieter, and darker as I go on.
Soon enough, I come to a clearing. Across the clearing is what seems to be a small stone building. It is probably just an old stone altar, they are quite common in the forest, inside there are probably old scrawlings on the walls and old incense laying around.
But something seems wrong. Suddenly, I am thrown to the ground and my horse gallops away.
"Arian!" I call. "Come back here!"
But it is too late.
"I've been expecting you Natura." a dark and ominous voice calls to me. "You've kept me waiting, I'm usually not this patient when it comes to matters such as these."
I stand and turn to face what calls to me. A large figure cloaked in black is standing on the steps of the building.
I am stunned into silence, frozen in my place. "Who are you." I say trying to keep my voice calm.
"You know who I am. I am the evil that follows you in your dreams, the inescapable fear you feel when you're alone. And soon I will hold all the pieces to dominating this world. All I need is for you to help me." he explains
The figure is in front of me in seconds.
"What's wrong," he says as he circles me, "don't you want to help me? Be on my side Natura and we can be more powerful than anything ever seen in this world before."
"Never." I say through gritted teeth. "And you will never take over this world."
"Oh, don't be like that." he comes close to me and wispers in my ear, "Don't make me hurt you."
"I will never be on your side." I say louder than before.
The figure is away from me as soon as he come to me, back on the steps of the building.
"Don't say I didn't warn you." he says as he prepares to strike.
The powerful magic hits me and throws me against a tree.
I scream in pain.
"Join me Natura!" He yells at me.
"No...I wont..." I choke out.
I can't handle it though...I can't....stop him.....
*********************************************************
Then I am sitting on my bed, screaming.
I sigh in relief and lean back against my headboard.
"Only a dream Natura," I tell myself, "it was only a dream."
But somehow I know, as I feel the cool wood of my headboard against my back that is was much more than that.
I just sigh again though, and go back to sleep. Which is what I usually do, ignore the crepy nightmare and move on.
The next time I wake up it's a little more naturally, to the huge dog that I love laying on top of me.
"Good morning Alaster." I say as I pat his head.
His response is a big wet lick to my face.
"Thanks." I laugh as I wipe the dog slobber off of my face.
"Natura!" I hear my name called from downstairs. "Time for breakfast!"
"Coming!" I call back
I shove Alaster off of me and hurry to get dressed.
I bounce down the stairs and straight into a stack of books, which then scatter across our already messy kitchen floor.
"Hah, nice one Natura. Ten point landing." my little brother, Nolen, says between spoonfuls of oatmeal.
I glare at him and proceed to gather the books, shaking rosemary and thyme out of the pages and back onto the floor.
My mother is a healer, quite messy, and likes to bring her work home.
I finish and join my little brother at the table. I can hardly call him little anymore though, as he's fifteen to my seventeen.
"So what's the plan today Nolen?" I ask him over my fathers large toolbox in the middle of the table.
"Well MY plan is to go practice my archery with the guys." he says with a mouthful of food.
"Oh, sounds fun." I say, trying not to sound too dejected.
I guess he can't always want to hang out with his sister, he had to go and grow into a teenage guy sometime.
"Hey, do you want to face me in the woods tonight?" He says, noticing my sadness. He's always been so perceptive.
"Sure, sounds like a plan." I say, excited about his certain defeat.
"Cool." He says as he inhales the rest of his breakfast.
I watch in horror as he devours his third bowl of oatmeal and rushes out the door, bow in hand and his forest wolf, Waylen, following close behind.
Just as I think I am alone, Alaster runs in and lays at my feet, and both of my parents rush in and out hurrying to get to work on time.
"Sweetheart," my father asks, "have you seen my toolbox?"
"No dear." my mother responds. "Have you seen my books?"
"No" he calls as he rushes out of the room to search for his awal toolbox.
Ah, parents.
"Mom, your books are by the stairs. I ran into them when I came down this morning." I tell her.
"Oh thank you darling, what would we do without you?" she says relieved, but still hurried as she runs out the door.
"Frena!?" My father calls from another room.
"Dad, mom left." I call back.
"Well isn't that just dandy, I can't find my toolbox anywhere!" He complains as he walks into the kitchen.
I point at the very large carpenters toolbox sitting in front of me.
"Oh...thanks Natura." he says sheepishly as he picks it up and walks out.
The house is calm again. I relax and finish my breakfast. I typically prefer peace and quiet, and I don't have anywhere to be today. The little school in our village let out a while ago and I'm still enjoying the benefits of doing nothing.
"Natura!" I hear a familiar voice call. " It's a beautiful day in Parcel, heck it's a beautiful day in all of Icarthia. So Natura get your skinny little self out here and let me look at you!"
I laugh to myself. Ah Christiana, you'd think everytime I saw her that I hadn't in four years and I wouldn't see her again for three more. She was so dramatic all the time.
"Christiana you saw me yesterday, I have not changed nor will I change in the next four minutes." I call back to her.
"Fine, I guess I do enough changing for the both of us." She says, her voice closer now she must be right outside the door. "Okay, brace yourself, I have a suprise."
"Oh goodness. What did you do to yourself now?"
Christiana is always doing something crazy to herself. Her hair has been seventeen different colors and she's peirced and tatooed herself several times.
"I got a new one." She says as she jumps dramatically through the door and shows me her newly tatooed left hand.
"What is on your hand?" I asked, it looked like badly made rope weaving from her wrist around her fingers.
"Vines. The guy told me they stood for strength." She brags proudly.
"I hope thats not permanent."
"Ugh, Natura you are so not open to change are you?" She complains as she throws herself into a chair at the table.
"No, I'm perfectly open to change, what I am not open to is putting badly drawn vines on my hand."
"Fine then. So when are you going to let me take those pretty green highlights and dye them something fun." She changes the subject.
"No way. And you never told me if that is permanent." Christiana is always bringing up my highlights. They are naturally green and I do not want them any other color.
"Ugh, no it is not permanent. They wont put anything permanent on me down there." She sulks.
"That's smart of them." I respond.
She crosses her arms and glares at me.
"Come on, let's go. Haro is expecting us."
"Okay." She says, still sulking dramatically.
We head out and walk toward the village square. Our village is small and not many people live here but it always seems to be busy. As we walk we are obligated to often shout greetings or stop to talk to people. Everyone knows everyone here, which can be good and bad.
We make it to the square in twice the amount of time it should.
The square is the best part of our village in my opinion. There is a big fountain in the center, and different shops surround it. People come here to do everything. Most people get water from the fountain to wash with and use for cooking, and children enjoy racing homemade boats across it.
I usually stop to take it in, but Christiana is impatient and pulls me along into a small cluttered shop.
"Haro!" Christiana calls into the mess. "Your girls are here!"
"Ah! My ladies, you have come at last!" We hear him call from somewhere.
"Haro, where are you?" I call.
"Honestly I don't know. I went for a walk past a stack of books and ended up by the boxes of old arrowheads." He calls back.
I look around trying to place his voice in the clutter. His shop is filled with so much junk it's hard to find anything. It really is very inconvienient, but thats Haro for you.
"Keep talking Haro, I am going to come find you." Christiana tells him.
She disapears into the hundreds of piles and stacks of stuff. Haro starts singing some old song to help her find him.
Soon enough Christiana returns with Haro. Everytime I see him it suprises me. You would think that he would be a small old mad with experience and strange stories. But really Haro is only about 25 years old (although no one really knows) and he is a little taller than Christiana who is a little taller than me. He sounds as if he should be 54, and looks much older than we think he is.
"Ah thank you dear. And hello to you miss Natura." he says in his soft, kind voice.
"Hello Haro." I greet happily. Haro always seems to make you happy. "What shall we do today?"
"Well ladies. I have come to the decision that this shop needs a little more order in it." He states.
"Really now?" Christiana says sarcastically. "Why ever would you think that?"
"I guess you two have finally gotten to me." He laughs. "Well what are you waiting for, get to work ladies!"
Christiana and I start in different corners of the shop and start organizing things into piles. I have no clue where Haro managed to get all the stuff he has in his shop. He has everything from books to bird cages, arrowheads to amulets. Christiana and I have often tried to crack some of the mysteries around Haro, but we neve rget any plausible answers and he will never tell us the correct answers.
"Um Haro?" Christiana calls from somewhere in the mess.
"Yes miss Christiana?" he calls back from somewhere else.
"I think something died over here." she says warily.
"Oh that must have been something River dragged in." I hear him say from somewhere closer to Christiana's voice. He must have found her. "That old fox is always dragging things in here and losing them.
"I wonder how he loses them." I say jokingly to myself.
We all return to organizing, stacking, and shelving. It takes all day but by the time I have to leave the shop is in a much better state.
"Oh my goodness." Christiana says dramatically. "I can see all four walls when I stand in the middle of the room now. It's magical, I had no idea there were bookshelves of than wall, or that there were windows in the front."
Haro and I laugh at Christiana fainting dramatically in the middle of the shop.
"Well, It's about time I head home." I announce.
"Alright miss Natura. See you tomorrow." Haro says. "Oh wait, your pay. Here you go miss Natura, you earned it like always."
Haro places two gold coins and 5 silver coins in my hand. He is always so generous. Supposedly he has a million gold coins at least. No one knows how he became so wealthy. Just another mystery.
"Bye Natura!" Christiana calls to me from the floor.
I wave back as I head home. I take it slow and enjoy the warm evening breeze. Today was a good day, nothing could bring me down now.
"Oh look girls, it's Natura." Someone sneers behind me, followed by the automatic laughter of several others. Did I say nothing could bring me down?
"Hello Sofia." I say as I turn around reluctantly.
"Well Natura, I thought I would just inform you about the newest student at the Ascensian Academy for Talented Students." she brags proudly, waving the acceptance letter in my face.
"Don't you still have to complete the trials in the city first?" I ask knowing the answer.
"Well.. yes. But I will pass with a perfect score. And you know what, you wont even be there to try." she says confidantly.
"That's right Sofia. I would rather jump off a cliff than end up at that school." It's true too.
"Good, because you wouldn't make it in anyway." she scoffs.
"I bet I would." I say. I can't help being competative, it's in my nature. "And I'll probably find out. You know everyone was required to apply before completing our schooling here in Parcel."
"Why on earth would they let someone like you in the Academy." Sofia says critically.
"I was just thinking the same thing." I respond.
"Ugh, well we don't need any of this girls." Sofia ignores our conversation and starts to instruct her followers.
"No we don't" they say in unison.
I walk away while Sofia and her following discuss the issues with my hair and wardrobe.
I examine my clothes as I walk. It's the typical Icarthian clothing, a tunic/dress that ends a little above my knees and the cut off tights that cover more of my legs. Of course my clothes are a little dirtier and worn out that other girls, but I climb a lot of trees and spend much more time outside than Sofia and her friends.
I come into view of my home sooner than I expected. That always seems to happen when I fall into my own thoughts. In the evening light our little cottage looks small and lovely. My mother's flowers blooming in the yard, my father's fence just as perfect as the day he built it.
I walk inside and can tell I am immedeatly the center of attention. My mother and father are smiling at me and my brother is giving me a look that seems to say you are not going to like this.
"Natura." my mother says happily. "You have been accepted at the Ascensian Academy for Talented Students."
"And you're going." my father adds.
"What!?!" I almost yell.
"I told you she would react like that." Nolen says a matter-of-factly.
"Natura dear. You don't understand what a wonderful opportunity this is for you." my mother says. "You are so smart and this will do you so much good."
"And you don't have a choice." my father adds again.
"Josia, that is no way to convince her." my mother scolds.
"Well frankly Frena, she doesn't have a choice. We both agreed she should go so she is going." he says.
"Why don't I get any say in this!" I'm yelling now. "It is my life that would be changing, so let me decide!"
"Natura you will regret it if you don't go. We are only doing what is best for you." my father argues. I have his same short temper sometimes.
"I will regret it if I do go. Why can't you understand!" I yell. I don't wait for an answer, I run straight out the back door and jump the fence. When I land on the other side I run straight into the forest, I know where I am going.
I keep running until I reach a big tree that stretches out over a cliff beside a waterfall. I climb into the tree and lay on a branch that hangs over the cliff. I look down at the tiny village of Riverton. Riverton is very close to Parcel and is one of the main inland ports in Icarthia. It looks peacful and quiet in the fading light.
This tree is where I have come to think ever since I was little. It's my safehouse, my refuge. Now I sit here thinking of my impending doom. I have to go away from Icarthia, I have to leave everything I have ever known and start new at the Academy. I don't even get to bring Christiana along. I already know she didn't get in since somehow she got out of the application. I consider my options. I can go to this school and be open and possibly enjoy myself. Or I can go to this school and hate it for the next three years. Or I can be brilliant and purposly fail the trials and not be allowed into the Ascensian Academy for Talented Students. That is the perfect plan. Although, my competetive nature won't easily allow me failure.
I lay back against the big old tree and look into the branches and leaves. I instictivly run my thumb over the writing engraved on the back of the stone on my necklace. My grandmother gave me this necklace. She always told me of the story of the Guardians, but eventually I stopped believing her. I close my eyes and try to remember the bravery of the heroes. I will myself to believe in them and their bravery so maybe I could be just as brave. But I can't make myself believe in something I know doesn't exsist.
So I sit silently and breathe in the night air of the river and the forest.
"Natura?" Christiana calls from the darkness below the tree. "Natura you have your parents worried sick."
"They know where I am." I say quietly.
"Yeah, but only you and I know how to get here." she reminds me of the secrecy of our spot.
"I don't want to go to the Academy Christiana." I say.
"I know." she says, now on the branch with me. "But you can't turn this sort of thing down. I wish I could go, but I never would have had the right grades. I'm not nearly as smart as you."
I don't want to argue this with her. She doesn't deserve the anger I gave my parents.
"What am I going to do without you Christi." I say feeling sadder every minute I think about it.
"Oh Nat," she says, making fun of my nickname for her, "you are going to make so many new friends. The real problem is what I am going to do without you."
"You have Haro. You know he secretly loves you." I joke with her.
"Well I can't talk to him about a lot of the stuff we talk about. I am going to miss you like crazy but you can't let that stop you from going." she says. She is always the voice of reason for me, and I for her.
"Okay.. I guess I can give it a shot." I decide reluctantly.
"There we go, that's the Natura I know and love." Christiana says.
"Oh yeah." I reply sarcastically.
"Now." She says with an evil gleam in her eye. "I have something for us to do."
"You are not doing anything to my hair Christiana!" I shout defensivly.
"That's not what I was thinking. Here." she pulls out a small jar of ink and a small brush.
"You are going to write on my?" I ask
"Tattoo." she says. "But don't worry, it's not permanent."
I still can't help but be worried over this. But I let her have her fun anyways.
"Give me your right ankle." she demands.
I reluctantly put my foot in her lap.
She takes a minute to draw a small design on. "There."
I look at it, squinting to see it properly in the dim light. "What is it?" I ask.
"It's a small symbol from the ancient Icarthian language. It means unbreakable, like our friendship." she tells me.
"Hmm. I think I can live with this tattoo." I say.
Christiana smiles. "It's not going to last long so you will have to keep redrawing it."
"I definatly will. So do you get the same thing?" I ask.
"Yeah, and you get to draw it on. Same place, same design." she tells me and she places her right foot in my lap.
"Do you really trust me to not mess this up?" I ask, hoping she'll say no since I will mess it up.
"I trust you Natura. Besides, it doesn't mean anything if I draw them both."
"Fine" I agree. I take the brush from her and draw a hopefully similar design on her ankle.
"There, you did fine." Christiana compliments. "Now let's get you home."
I climb down from the tree, face home, and reluctantly start walking. I'm off to face my doom.
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Just a little side note...pardon my grammar and spelling errors. i have an edited version but i posted the unedited by accident. I'm stuck using word pad on my computer bcuz i dont have microsoft word yet. it sucks but i make do. And sorry for posting so much, i didn't really realise how long I would be making it. I'll avoid these mistakes in the future. And thanks for all the feedback!
I love the way the characters interact with each other. Natura's interactions with her family and Christiana are very realistic. I also like the balance between the realism and the fantasy aspects of the story. You never get too carried away with the fantasy bit, so it's still easy to relate to. I love the way you build up the fantasy setting, then bring it back to reality-both in the prologue and in the dream.
I would divide the grandmother's monologue in the prologue into paragraphs and cut it down to something more short and to the point-at the moment, it's a little purple prosey.
Overall, I think this has a lot of potential, and it's also very heartfelt and real. It's the realism, not the fantasy, that I'm the most affected by.
Hey! Welcome! In_The_Moonlight is right you should do two reviews before you post anything. If you go to the Welcome forum and introduce yourself people there will explain all the rules and stuff. K, onto the nitpicks but please do some reviews yourself.
Okay I'm not going to copy it but the first paragraph was VERY long! You should split it into different paragraphs. You also had a lot of periods where commas should be, in the parts when the people where talking. I forget why but you can go find out.
So the girl's name is Natura? I'm guessing she'll have some kind of power of earth?
Also, this post is SUPER long. You should split it to two different posts.
Question mark.
Question mark.
You only need to put three of those.
How can she sigh again when she didn't even sigh once yet?
In stories try to italic the emphasize not capitalize it.
Question mark.
Won't.
Miss Natura.
Never get.
Miss Christiana.
Who's River?
That's all I found but you might want to check out some tips on Grammar. There were a lot of grammar mistakes.
It was interesting but you might want to show more about Natura instead of telling us all about her.
Well, PM me when you get the next chapter up and I'll review it. But please make it shorter. My eyes are going blind by staring at the screen for so long!
-Storm
Alright, since there is a lot of issues with this piece and you seem to have double posted it, I will comment only on glaring errors.
The first such issue is that this piece is entirely dialogue driven with no descriptions or actions of worth to break up the dialogue. It is description chunk, dialogue chunk, repeat. You create talking heads by doing so and this will be your first bit to fix.
Secondly, the way it reads is passive. This happens then this happens, never is it in depth or emotional. It is like watching a play when you could be in it. Lines such as: "I will myself to believe in them and their bravery so maybe I could be just as brave. But I can't make myself believe in something I know doesn't exsist. " and "I climb down from the tree, face home, and reluctantly start walking. I'm off to face my doom." are just examples.
Third. Use a spell checker. You have typos in this which should not have been in here. Remember to use f7 in your word processor to spell check and remove these issues. Grammar wise, you just don't seem to being much better either, though since you will have to fix up the sentence structure grammar can wait until after you've made your initial changes.
When you have fixed these three things drop me a pm and I'll do a specific one. Since these three changes mean a lot of rewriting, keep the old copy on your hard drive and make the editted one something different. Chapter 1- Edit A or something. Copy and paste the edit here, do not make a new thread, bump only if it has been weeks since last post.
you need at least two reviews before you can post anything