(New) Guardians Chapter 5

Christiana ran out of the inn laughing and picking feathers our of each other’s hair.

The brilliant sunshine of the beautiful day blinded us, as did the rest of the city. The square was still crowded and we were bombarded with the same sounds and smells of when we first arrived.

“I bet we could find anything we wanted here.” I remarked, smelling the air as the scent of a fresh batch of bread wafted out from a bakery.

This statement sparked a glorious idea in Christiana and she gasped delightedly.

“What?” I asked. Then I realized, “Oh no, no no no, Christiana no.”

She looks at me, dramatic pain in her expression. “What? You don’t even know what I am thinking yet!”

“I know exactly what you’re thinking.” I accused. “You’re thinking that you can go get something permanently added to your skin or hair because your parents can’t warn anyone not to.”

I could tell from her expression that I had it exactly right.

“I’m not going to let you.” I told her.

“But you have to Natura!” she begged. “You know how much I want to really color my hair. We could even get our symbol painted on for real!”

“No way,” I said loudly. Making sure she knew I wouldn’t be swayed.

She thought for a minute.

“Well why can’t I just dye a little bit of my hair, one strand, I could make it green like your hair! Or blue, or purple, or pink!” she exclaimed.

I just rolled my eyes and kept walking.

Christiana continued to babble on about hair colors and dyes, all too excited to be somewhere without her parents and armed with enough money after receiving a large pay from Haro.

Thankfully though, Christiana dropped it long enough for us to browse around at a few stands and look into shop windows.

I bought a few feather quills and Christiana bought something that looked like a cross between a bird cage and a coat tree for Haro.

It was a while before she brought up her hair color again.

We sat by a large fountain and were looking into the cool, clear water.

“I really do need to do something about my hair though, Natura. My horrid natural color is showing already.” She moped.

It was true; her natural color was showing through at the roots. I never quite understood what her problem was with her hair color, it was a very beautiful chestnut brown and we had been told we looked like twins because of the similarity, even though I never believed it.

“Thanks for the compliment on the color.” I said.

“But it looks great on you Natura, just not me.” She saved herself quickly.

We got up and started walking through the crowd again.

Suddenly something hard and round hit me and I was knocked to the ground. I had to try hard to get my breath back and to figure out how exactly I managed to get on the ground.

“Hey!” Christiana yelled at someone who was presumably behind the original force of the object. “That was completely uncalled for; I can’t believe you would be paying so little attention when you’re playing in an area with this many people.”

I only half listened to her rant while I sat on the ground, gasping for air.

“Hey, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.” A male voice apologized.

“Yeah, you better be sorry.” Christiana retorted. “You’ve lost a whole lot of points in my book.”

“Christiana,” I said slowly, hoping I had recovered enough so as to not embarrass myself by choking out my words.

“What?” she almost yelled, still worked up.

“Be quiet.” I said, hoping she caught the stop-overreacting tone in my voice.

“Here, let me help you.” The male voice said.

“What?” I said, realizing he was talking to me. I had almost completely forgotten he was standing right in front of me; I had been staring right at his knees. Goodness I must look like a fool.

“Let me help you up.” He laughed a little, holding a hand out to me. “The ground can’t be that comfortable can it?”

I took his hand and he pulled me to my feet.

He was probably my age, here for the trials. He smiled big at me, revealing perfect white teeth.

“Uhm…thanks.” I said awkwardly as I adjusted myself, still feeling extremely foolish.

“You know this doesn’t get you any points back…whoever you are. You completely knocked her down, and helping her up doesn’t make it any better.” Christiana butted in.

“I know, and I really do feel bad about that.” He apologized again.

I realized then just how stunningly smooth his voice was. Strange I would have been noticing this because I should have been angry he knocked me down, not as angry as Christiana, but still at least a little miffed.

“You better be,” she muttered.

He turned to me. “Again, I am really sorry…I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name.”

“Natura,” I introduced myself. “And this lovely young lady is Christiana.” I glanced at her; she was still glaring at him. “I’m sorry about her; she can’t help being rude sometimes.” She had better be ashamed of herself, but then again, this was a completely Christiana thing to do.

“Good to meet both of you.” He said.

‘Well aren’t you going to tell us your name mister I-can-knock-down-whoever-I-want-and-not-feel-bad?” Christiana shot at his kindness.

I sighed and looked disappointedly at her.

“I’m Rigel. And I really do feel bad, I was brought up better than to push ladies around.” He apologized yet again.

I thought to warn him that Christiana was not brought up to avoid pushing boys around, but decided against it.

“It’s really okay. Christiana is just a bit of a dramatic is all.” I apologized for her.

I noticed another guy trotting towards us from where Rigel must have been. His absence, or rather the absence of their ball, must have taken a toll on their game.

“Rigel would you quit takin’ so long man? We’ve been waiting forever.” Rigel’s friend called as he ran over.

“And this would be my Christiana.” Rigel joked.

I successfully stifled the laugh, but couldn’t stop the amused smile.

“Hey, I’m Ashton.” He said when he noticed us. He tried to mimic Rigel’s smoothness when he talked, but failed miserable. He then turned to Rigel. “Man, didn’t know you found some ladies. Woulda letcha slide then.” He teased, not quite quietly enough.

“Okay, looks like it’s time for us to go.” Rigel said abruptly as he picked up the ball and walked off, not even giving us a second glance.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Christiana went insane.

“Oh. My. Goodness. He was cute!” she squealed, stressing cute much more than needed.

“Ugh, Christiana when did you get so girly.” I teased.

“What!?” she gasped. “You cannot call me girly.” She then proceeded to dramatically stalk away from me, waving her arms wildly and complaining loudly. “How could I be called girly!? What is this world coming to!?!” she turned and smiled at me.

I laughed and ran to catch up.

“But really Natura, come on. I know you don’t plan to be all alone forever. You had to have noticed him.” She swooned. “He had the most gorgeous golden brown eyes and the best hair I have ever seen.”

He did have very nice eyes. And his short, dark brown hair was nice too.

I couldn’t give away the fact that I noticed that though. Christiana would never let me live it down.

“Ugh you are making me sick Christiana. I didn’t know you could act this way.” I complained. She really was becoming annoying.

“Oh and his friend!” she squealed.

“Ashton?” I asked, shocked. I didn’t even think he was very interesting and my standards aren’t exactly set too high, but come to think of it, neither are Christiana’s.

She noticed my shock. “I don’t know, he just seemed my type. I’m a pretty strange girl you know.”

I looked her over. “That you are.” I agreed. “But what will Haro do if you fall in love with another man!”

She glared at me. “Be quiet.”

We walked silently for a while.

“So which one did you like best?” She prodded.

“Ugh, I am not having this conversation.” I stated.

“Oh come on. Chances are you will be going to school with them. And you’ve already made a star-studded first impression.” She teased a little. Good old Christiana. “You have a better chance than most other girls heading out that way.”

I quickly changed the subject. “Did you notice what a nice day it is today?” I gestured to the sky. “Sunny isn’t it?”

“Hah.” She laughed quietly. “We are not done with this conversation, but I guess I can let it go for now. We have some serious studying to do missy.”

We really did, but I didn’t want to go back to that world yet. I liked just relaxing and hanging out with my best friend, it’s not like we had much more time.

“Do we have to?” I complained. “I’m enjoying myself with this beautiful day.”

“Well you’re never getting into the Academy with that attitude.” Christiana commented.

I sighed. I really needed to go study since I hadn’t really looked at any of the books my parents bought for me and they really wanted me to get into the Ascensian Academy.

I reluctantly followed Christiana back to our inn to start the inevitable all night study session, reminiscent of old school days.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Pattycakes
Review

The repair took a month rather than a couple weeks. I've been negligent. Forgive me.

Onto the comments:

So...Sophia...
Much better. The little bit about the pub and the change in the setting of the conversation helped.

Physical education
Hmmm, lacking. I also have trouble finding out how to sprinkle this stuff in, but it feels like its missing. With the exception of Christina (who I thought was excellently described I have trouble getting a visual on most of the other characters. And this goes beyond stuff like hair color, eye color, height, what clothes they wear etc. It also includes stuff like how they walk, sit, eat, talk, stand. These sorts of details create people rather than just voices.

Natural connection
I thought the whole forest game that Natura and Nolan played was pretty interesting. I think the 'earth magic' stuff was a little undercovered and sparse and it forced me to reread the section several times to get it. I thought the whole bit was pretty creative though.

A Tale of New Cities
New places are filled with new and usually strange sites. I won't forget the massive cathedrals, Saturday marketplaces, tiny cafes, towering battlements, packs of gypsies, or streetvendors selling crepes I saw in France. Namely because these thing were all new to me. I thought there was a lack of these details when they walked through the city. The scene at the inn was a good start. But more I say!

Good work. I thought your dialouge was quite clever and the plot, though a little slow at this point, seems to be building towards something. Feel free to pm me when you get the next chapter up.

-pattycakes

User avatar
Storm_Bringer
Review

Hello Lauren!

This story is coming along very nicely.

Dialogue punctuation: I believe I told you some links that may help? If not here: Right here! I think that is a different one from before so hopefully this will help more. If you still don't get it feel free to PM me. Perhaps I can clear it up. Or just questions. Please, feel free!

The Nitpicks!!! Aside from the dialogue punctuation errors. :wink:

Christiana ran out of the inn laughing and picking feathers our of each other’s hair.

Comma after inn.

picking feathers our of each other’s hair.

Instead of our it should be out. Another thing. You only say Christiana in the beginning. So how can it be each other? Maybe it should be "Christiana and I"

“Oh no, no no no, Christiana no.”

Ack! Missing quite a lot of commas. It should be:
"Oh no, no, no, no, Christiana, no."

we looked like twins because of the similarity

I thought Natura had green hair not brown.

the stop-overreacting tone in my voice.

Put quotation marks around "stop overreacting"

Goodness I must look like a fool.

Comma after goodness.

Strange I would have been noticing this

Um. I don't quite get this part.

“Ugh, Christiana when did you get so girly.”

Question mark!

Haro do if you fall in love with another man!”

Isn't Haro way older than them?

Yep. That's all for the nitpicks.


Storyline:

It's coming along nicely, a little slow, but that's okay. Is this a novel?


Description:

Put more description. Make Natura have more emotion! Christiana is pretty good though. :wink:
When she meets the boys you already say she feels foolish so maybe add dialogue tags to add on to that. Like "she said, flustered." Or something like that. Please put more description!


Characters:

:arrow: Natura: She seems a bit bland. Needs some serious work. Perhaps add some more of her interests and moods, and personality. Spice her up a bit! :wink:

:arrow: Christiana: I think you got her down. :) She is a bubbly, fun, creative, gossip girl, but still is very loyal and protective of her friends! Keep her personality going!

:arrow: Ashton and Rigel: (Rigel= reminds me of regal. Was that intended or just me?)
We don't know much about them so far, but you did hint at further details later so that's okay. They give off the vibe of Rigel, the cool, smooth, hot, popular guy, while Ashton is the sidekick. :) Hehe. That's my impression anyway. Ashton is a nice name though. :D



Okay, good job! It needs work but then it will be splendid!

Hope this helps! Feel free (and I mean feel free to PM me if you have any questions about my review or anything else.)

~Storm :D



One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah