(New) Guardians Chapter 1

It seemed to be a normal day in the forest, the birds were singing, small animals were chattering in the trees, and I rode alone on my horse, enjoying the sweet woodsy smell and the warm sunshine that broke through the trees. I've known these trails, these rocks, these sounds. I've lived in Icarthia for most of my life.

But I then came to something I didn't know, a small dark path leading into a dark part of the forest. As you looked down it the light fell away, and thin dark branches stuck out as if to try to pull you in.

An intelligent person would have never followed this kind of path into an unknown part of the forest. Any person with common sense would know that this could only lead to danger.

I must not be an intelligent person, for I started to follow the path, the jagged branches came together above me and the light was gone.

What could be down this path? I wondered. I needed to know.

The reassuring sounds of the forest fell away behind me. Everything was quiet, everything was dark.

I came to a clearing soon, but it didn't get much lighter. A dark shadow seemed to prevail over the clearing. A chill ran down my spine.

Across the clearing was a small stone building, an old stone altar from the days when praying to the gods and being one with the magic in Icarthia was most important.

Something seemed wrong. The shadow, the cool clearing that should have been warm from sunlight. I had the strangest sense that something, or someone, was watching me. And that something did not have the best of intentions for me.

Suddenly, my horse threw me to the ground and galloped away.

"Arian!" I shouted from the ground. "Come back here!"

But my voice did not carry as I expected, and he was gone.

"I've been expecting you Natura." a dark voice called from behind me. "You've kept me waiting; I'm usually not this patient when it comes to matters such as these."

I stood and faced what called to me.

A large figure cloaked in black stood across the clearing on the steps of the stone building.

I stood frozen in my place.

"Who are you?" I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

"You know who I am," he said, his mouth twisting into an evil smile I knew I would not soon forget, "I am the evil that follows you in your dreams, the inescapable fear you feel when you're alone. I rule the fear inside you, and soon I will rule more."

He paused waiting for a response, but I had none. It was all I could do to stand there in my fear.

"Do you not understand little girl?" he asked, but didn't wait for a reply. "I will soon rule this world, I will soon rule you. I will rule your soul, for it belongs to the shadows."

He momentarily paused his monologue. I could not tell where his eyes fell, his face was covered by his black cloaks. All I could see what his evil smile on his shadowy skin.

"Now, shall you give yourself to my power willingly? Or must I pull your soul from your weak and fearful body."

I still couldn't force my mouth to move. My mind raced with fear. I couldn't even think of how to defend myself in a moment like this.

The figure was in front of me in seconds. He moved so swiftly I hardly even noticed it.

He circled me, only inches from my face. "What's wrong, don't you want to help me? I know what power you hold, and I can make it strong. Be on my side Natura and we can be more powerful than anything ever seen in this world before."

"Never." I said through gritted teeth. "And you will never take over this world."

"Oh, don't be like that." he leaned even closer to me and whispered in my ear, "Don't make me hurt you."

My heart pounded. I could not give in. I felt the strength inside me rising up.

"I will never be on your side." I said louder than before.

The figure darted away from me as soon as he came, back on the steps of the building.

"Don't say I didn't warn you." he gathered the shadows in the clearing into a sphere in his palm. The dark magic swelled and grew powerful.

He smiled his thin evil smile. He hurled the sphere towards me.

I could not move fast enough. The magic hit me and I screamed in pain as I flew into a tree.

"Join me Natura!" He yelled at me, preparing another attack.

I crumpled to the ground. This magic was foreign to me. It was nothing like the simple magic the world had fallen to.

"We could rule strongly for eternity Natura. I have that power." He yelled again.

"No...I won’t..." I choked out.

I couldn't do anything though. All I could do was lie in pain on the ground while he finished me off...

My eyes flew open and I jolted upward into a sitting position.

I looked around at my own bedroom. The familiar wooden walls and floor. The worn armoire and shelves filled with books.

I leaned back against my dark oak headboard. I sighed in relief and the coolness of the wood on my back calmed me.

"Only a dream Natura," I mumble to myself, "it was only a dream."

Somehow I knew though, that it was much more than that. The same dream, along with many others, haunted my sleep constantly.

I just sighed though, and went back to sleep. I would usually just ignore the creepy nightmare and move on.

I woke up again much later to the early morning light streaming in my window and the huge wolf I love laying on top of me.

"Good morning Alaster." I said as I rubbed his golden brown head and looked into his near black eyes.

He responded in his own wolfy way with a big wet lick to my face.

"Thank you, I really appreciated that." I laughed and wiped the slobber off of my face.

He barked happily.

"Natura!" I heard my name called from downstairs. "Time for breakfast!"

"Coming!" I yelled back.

I shoved Alaster off of me and hurried to get dressed.

I bounced down the stairs from my room and straight into a stack of leather-bound books, which promptly scattered across the kitchen floor.

"Hah, nice one Natura. Ten point landing." my little brother, Nolen, said between spoonfuls of oatmeal.

I glared at him and proceeded to gather the books, shaking rosemary and thyme out of the pages and back onto the floor.

My mother was a healer, quite messy, and liked to bring her work home.

He continued to laugh at me, and poke fun at my clumsiness. His bright green eyes sparkled under his shaggy brown hair.

I finished stacking the books and pushed my long chestnut hair out of my face. Light streaming in a window caught on the natural bright green streaks in it.

I stood up and went to the small hearth and dished a bowl of oatmeal out of the large metal pot hanging over the fire.

I sat across the small, round wooden table from my little brother. I could hardly call him little anymore, as he's fifteen to my seventeen and a whole head taller.

"So what's the plan today Nolen?" I looked over my father's large toolbox in the middle of the table at him.

"Well my plan is to go practice archery with the guys." he said, oatmeal spilling out of his mouth. "But maybe you can face me in the woods tonight," he added quickly, "that is, if you're not afraid I'll beat you."

"Oh no, you are the one who will be defeated." I said excitedly.

"Alright" he inhales the remainder of his meal and sprints out the door. His tan wolf, Waylen, following close behind catching globs of oatmeal flying off of Nolen’s previously clean dark green shirt.

I sat in horror while I watched all of this. That boy could eat about as much as a horse. It was disgusting.

Although Nolen is very good company, I enjoyed being alone at last.

It didn't last long.

Alaster runs in and crashes into the books I just restacked.

I look at him, ashamed that my wolf has taken on the qualities of his partner.

He gives me one of his puppy faces. It's strange how an animal can have expressions, but Alaster does.

Suddenly both of my parents ran into the room and franticly searched around. My father rushed back out as quickly as he came but my mother stayed, standing in the middle of the kitchen.

She pushed her long curly brown hair out of her face.

"Sweetheart," she turned to me, "have you seen my books?"

I glanced to the bottom of the staircase at the pile of books on the floor.

"Yes mother, haven't you?" I say in disbelief at her oblivion.

She followed my gaze.

"Oh, well thank you sweetie." she says as she gathers her books. She walks straight to our front door; she turns to look at me with her big brown eyes and smiles sweetly before she goes.

My mother made an impression on everyone, even if you've known her your whole life.

"Frena!?" my father called from another room.

"Mom already left dad." I yelled back at him.

"Well isn't that just a pile of peach pie." he walked into the room and crosses his arms. My dad has all these strange sayings, it's actually very embarrassing.

He looks around quite like my mother did. "I can't find my toolbox anywhere!"

I sigh and point at the very large carpenter's toolbox sitting in front of me.

"Oh..." he smiled sheepishly, reminding me of Nolen.”Thank you darling."

He kisses the top of my head and walked out.

"Dad, the toolbox." I called after him.

He walked back in. "What would I do without you Natura?"

"You would go to work every day without your toolbox." I laughed.

He took his toolbox and headed off to work. The house was calm again.

I relaxed and enjoyed the peace and quiet. I didn't need to really be anywhere for a while.

The little school in our village let out a while ago and I was enjoying the benefits of being lazy.

I soaked up the warm sunlight streaming in the small kitchen window, it was so peaceful.

"Natura!" I heard a loud, but familiar, voice call. "It's a beautiful day in Parcel, heck it's a beautiful day in all of Icarthia. So Natura, you get your skinny little self out here and let me look at you!"

I laughed to myself.

Ah Christiana, you'd think every time I say her that I hadn't in four years and I wouldn't see her again for at least three more.

I hear the gate slam shut and footsteps coming closer up the stone walk in the front of our little cottage.

"Christiana you saw me yesterday, I have not changed nor will I change before you get in here." I call back to her.

"Fine, I guess I do enough changing for the both of us." her voice was closer now, just outside the open doorway. "Okay, brace yourself, I have a surprise."

"Oh no," I moaned, "what did you do to yourself now?"

She jumps dramatically through the door.

I look her over, not much is out of the ordinary, well ordinary for Christiana.

Her hair was her usual mix of soft pink and light blue. She still had the same number of metal rings through her ear, and I could still see part of a flower she painted on her right shoulder.

"What's new?" I asked. I really couldn't see anything different.

"Well," she says as she plops into the chair across from me. "I found these fantastic green flowers just outside of town. And you know how I make my own dyes, so I drew this." she thrusted her left arm across the table, revealing badly drawn lines weaving from her wrist around her fingers.

"What exactly is that?" I asked.

"Vines! I looked it up and they stand for strength" she bragged proudly.

"I hope that's not permanent" I frowned. It bothered me that she could be doing lasting damage to her body.

"Ugh, Natura you are so not open to change are you?" She complained as she throws herself onto the table.

"No, I'm perfectly open to change, what I am not open to is putting badly drawn vines on my hand." I commented indifferently.

"No you're not." she complained with her face buried in her arms. "And thanks for the confidence in my artistry."

"I'm sorry Christiana." I said sincerely.

"Good." she popped back up energetically. "So when are you going to let me take those pretty green highlights of yours and dye them something fun."

"No. No way. Never." I panicked.

Christiana leaned back in her chair, "Ugh Natura you always panic. And you call me dramatic."

I scowled at her, "Well I'd rather keep my hair the way it is thank you. And by the way you never told me if that is permanent or not."

"No, it's not permanent." she sighed, "I can't figure out how to make a permanent dye and I don't have nearly enough money to get anything real."

"Speaking of money, is Haro expecting us at all today?" I asked, stirring left over oatmeal around my bowl.

"Yes actually... I meant to tell you that yesterday." she smiled apologetically.

"Well when do we have to be there?" I asked impatiently.

"Mid-morning" she said confidently.

I look out the window. "Christiana it is midmorning."

She shrugs her shoulders and mouths "oops."

"Come on." I said as I stood up and grabbed her by the arm, dragging her outside with me.

Comments & reviews · 7
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User avatar
Dark Sploosh
Review

As I seem to always have to say at the beginning of my reviews, there were a lot of grammar errors, shift tenses, and other such problems that I won't be bothered to comment on because someone else always does. What I am good at reviewing is the plot, characters, and wording, so I'll do that.

This story has me confused. Not because I didn't understand what was going on, but because I can't figure out why it kept my interest. I honestly don't know, I just found myself reading on to see how the first chapter turned out. From this chapter I get the impression that many people in this world of yours have wolf companions? If that's true, you did a good job of showing it rather than just saying "Everyone had wolves" or something to that effect.

At the same time, there are times where you oversimplify your descriptions. The one that really stuck out was "Suddenly, my horse threw me to the ground and galloped away." That should be two or three sentences at least.

It's a minor detail, but honestly, I can't find too much to criticize beyond the grammatical errors. Oh, except for this: avoid adverbs like the plague. You use them a lot in dialogue attribution. Any time you say (I'm just making these examples up) "she exclaimed excitedly" or "he laughed evilly" you're doing it wrong. What I mean by that is that just "said" on it's own often works the best. After all, if your reader can't figure out how your character is saying something based on the context and the sentence, then maybe something else is wrong.

Take my examples. I would change "she exclaimed excitedly" to simply "she said". If the sentence she said ends in an exclamation mark, the reader will probably know she's "exclaiming excitedly" on their own. At the very least use just "exclaimed" if you must. Eliminate "excitedly" or whatever adverb is there almost every time. In the case of "he laughed evilly" I would do just that, changing it to "he laughed" because this is a time where "laughed" might be the only way for the reader to know how he speaking. Still, if he's evil or has just said something evil, the reader will, once again, figure out on their own that he's doing it "evilly".

I hope I was helpful. PM me if you need any more advice.

User avatar
elijah1
Review
elijah1 wrote a review · Mon Mar 23, 2009 8:52 pm

I'm just going to critique the very beginning of this piece.

It was a normal day in the forest


Try beginning with a sentence that hints at change, since change is more likely to grip the reader's attention.

strange path


What made the path strange? What is the difference between a strange path and a normal path?

I must not have any common sense for I followed the path with little hesitation.


try to avoid summarizing

For example,
"I must not have any common sense, for it did not frighten me. Walking down the path, I gazed at the jagged tree branches above me. The light fell away as I started down the path..." etc.

I not only wanted to see what was down the path, I needed to see what was down the path.


show, don't tell
For example
I wonder, I thought to myself. I wonder what is down this path. An urge rose inside me. I needed to know.

Something seemed wrong. The shadow, the cool clearing that should have been warm from sunlight. I had the strangest sense that something, or someone, was watching me. And that something did not have the best of intentions for me.


this part is good. it grips the readers attention by telling to us that something is going to happen

Suddenly, my horse threw me to the ground and galloped away.


since when was the character riding a horse? This threw me off, because you didn't tell us that the character was riding a horse. It seemed random.

dark and ominous voice


"dark and ominous" is redundant

"You know who I am," he laughed at my fear,


you can't laugh and talk at the same time
For example, you could say:
"You know who I am," he said. His mouth twisted into a smile.

Overall: this was good, but be careful not to summarize.

User avatar
Lauren2010
Comment

thanks for the tip on the dialouge Sura. I think microsoft word does that for me for some reason so I wasn't sure what was right. thanks to everyone for their thoughts!

User avatar
Sura
Review
Sura wrote a review · Sun Mar 22, 2009 12:31 am

I actually enjoyed the first bit. The story so far is interesting enough, which is crucial. The characters are believable and I'm rather fond of them.
Also, I really like your writing style. I find it refreshing and easy to read.
One easy fix is your dialouge.
EX: "Frena!?" My father called from another room.
The 'm' should actually be lowercase.
I spotted a few other punctiation issues as well.
Anyway~
Thank you for posting and g'luck with your writing!

I liked it, but at first didn't, until i read on. It only picks up in the middle of the chapter. hHowever i do like the characters, and the way they link with each other. Overall i would say this is a 6/10. just need to improve the start.

Good. It was a little slow and at the begging part of her dream their were some improper sentances. I think I would like the story more If I could read more chapters becuase from what I've read I'm hmmimg and ahhing I don't know if I want to read more try to make it faster but I like the story line.



The important thing is never to stop questioning.
— Albert Einstein