The silence was deafening with shadows playing strings,
And my heart beats in rapid succession, echoing the rings
It hollows out hopes and warm vanilla dreams
While tendrils of coca dripped, crumbling the seams
And I too, crumbled like bread in searing darkness
Melting
Swirling
Dissolving
In a maze of swirling terror
But
Oh
But
Oh
Through the maze swirls, a silver lining of white
That I call, vanilla.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Woohoo! I simply love dream-poems, because they really allow the writer to explore areas of their creativity that other poems (especially love) don't allow them to do.
Firstly I shall get my single criticism over with. You have written two rhyming couplets as the first two lines, and so I am expecting a third,so when Terror wwon't rhyme with Darkness it was a bit of a let down.
What I really like, however, is the recurring theme of vanilla and cocoa, because cocoa is such a likely thing to dream about if had before bed, and vanilla seems ro match perfectly! It was really nice when you brought vanilla back at the end as you "silver lining".
Hope This Helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thank you!
Hello Laure! Griff, here for an extremely short review.
I love this poem! It flowed really nicely, and the ending just made me smile. My favorite line was
It made me both hungry and sigh at the lovely poetic-ness of it all. Warm vanilla dreams...I love that so much.
Overall, great job! This is a lovely poem!
Keep writing and being amazing! Go Beasts!
~GC
xD, thanks mate. Love your username by the way, are you by chance a Harry Potter fan?
No prob. And actually, I just picked my name because I really like griffins...but then multiple people pointed out that it sounds like a combo of Gryffindor and RavenClaw... Oh well. XD
Oh, well, hey griffins are awesome. But dragons are better.
O.O You did not just go there. XD (But they kinda are. Haha.)
Hi, Laure! A wonderful poem you have here. A simple one but it has a good use of figurative imagery. I liked how the poem flowed- it wasn't choppy so congrats for that. The whole used food to describe each moment; I think that was very very creative.
My favourite lines would be:
"It hollows out hopes and warm vanilla dreams
While tendrils of coca dripped, crumbling the seams
And I too, crumbled like bread in searing darkness"
Overall: An interesting poem and wish you luck with your future poems.
- Anshira; Ink Force
Thank you so much for taking time to read this.
My pleasure
My pleasure
My pleasure
My pleasure
My pleasure
Hey there Laure, Niraco here this Review Day giving you – what else – a review!
I also liked the formatting of your poem. I liked how you started off with long sentences then suddenly broke away with one worded lines. For some reason, despite the obvious darker tone of this poem I got a rather warm feeling from the cocoa and vanilla imagery.Firstly I’d like to talk about your title. It made me hungry. As did your actual poem. I loved the food images you put into your poem which were related to your title.
Such as:
This line I think is where most of the conflicting warm and dark feelings are best described.
All in all a nice and pleasant poem but I felt there wasn’t much other than the shift from long to short sentences that really made the poem stand out for me. It was good just not amazing. Good job and happy writing!
Thank you all so so much for the likes! I can't believe I made it into the spotlight!
Wow! This is so amazing!
I love your writing style in this, it's so brilliant!
"shadows playing strings," Beautiful!
The title intrigues readers, and the poem blows them away completely.
A few little improvements..
Perhaps change "dissolved" to "dissolving" as this is in present tense, and it just gives the reader that image of fading more.
Now, I love your last line, it's great and finishes the poem, making it complete, I'd have suggested to perhaps put "vanilla" on another separate line to add effect, but I actually think it works great on the same line, with the comma there it adds a lot!
I also quite enjoyed how you contrasted the fear with the sweetness.
With words like "terror" and "darkness" with "hopes" and "dreams" great work.
Plus, I ALSO love your second last line, referring to it as a "silver lining of white" which kind of links to clouds, and making the poem have a positive vibe and it's just- just- amazing!
Great work, bookworm.
-CFG
xD, thanks so much, Girl on Fire.
Your poems are amazing, I envy you.
Aha, thank youu!
I prefer yours though, amazing!
Always the humble poet...xD
Haha, you make me laugh. I is notz humblez, I iz truthfulz.