[Character two in the prose character series-Saffron. Wrote this when I was near dying, probably a bad idea. Rip it apart, please.]
she circled over the sky
In wings of cloth
The fingers of the wind, tugged on her noir et bleu streaks
her eyes acast, of saffron jewels
they saw her
as 'the joker'
one hand, you see.
formed the head of joker, with the horrowshow grin
and the silver bells that jingled
With each step she took
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Ello.
}
Jonathan here with a review for ya.
{Well the note made sense, except for the "when is was near dying" part. (What do you mean)
Okay the first line could sound better if you wrote "She circled through the sky." unless over was just for affect.
Second line would be cool if it was like "on wings of cloth" because in makes it sound like she is IN the wings of cloth.
Okay "of saffron jewels" gives a bit of affect but it really doesn't NEED to be there.
Otherwise I love it!
Good luck with your writing.
~Jonathan~
Hello, Laure!
She circled over the sky? As in she's in space? Or she's circling around the sky? I suggest you find a different word to replace "over."This is supposed to be about a character that you made up, yes? I'm assuming so, and if I'm wrong, I'd clarify your author's note at the beginning. ^_^
"In" feels weird to me. I get an image of her enveloped in these wings, but she can't be enveloped if she's flying. If you meant "in" as in "wearing," I suggest you find a word that properly conveys that, so there is no confusion of images for the reader.
I don't understand why noir et bleu is in French. It sounds nice, but what is the point? The character might be French, but there are more effective ways of showing this than to put random words in French. Unless I'm missing some cultural/fictional thing. In that case, carry on. Also, are the streaks in her wings? In her hair? Skin? Be more specific as to the location of the blue and black streaks.
I don't really understand the second stanza at all. "Acast" isn't a word. Are you saying that her eyes are cast from saffron? Or are you saying that she cast her gaze somewhere? Make sure you clarify. The other reason I don't understand this stanza is because of the sudden jump you make in it. The first line seems like it would be more at home in the first stanza, and I don't see the connection between the first line and the next two.
As a side note, I'd combine the last two lines in that stanza, as the rhythm is choppy, anyway.
So foremost image that comes to my mind when I think of "the joker" is The Joker from the Batman series. If you're talking about the playing card, and your character is French, maybe now is the time to use a French phrase to erase the pop culture image many people hold in their minds.
One hand? She's one handed? Or are you talking about a hand of cards? Clarify. Also, did you mean for there to be a period at the end of that line?
The next line makes me think of shadow puppets. Unless you meant for that period to be there. Then I have no idea what you're talking about here. Also, it should be "horrorshow" if you're making it one word. You've got a wandering w in there. ^_^
It seems to be an odd choice, capitalizing the first letter of the last line, when no other letters are capitalized in the whole poem. Could it be a typo? Also, I feel that the end of a poem needs punctuation if you're going to use any punctuation in the rest of the poem, which you do. That's your choice, obviously, but I think that it would make it feel more finished.
I like the character. She seems pretty cool! Now just work on clarifying your images. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Thank you so much for pointing those things out, I will admit that the imagery in this is very blurry which is why I'm going to rewrite it again. Taking into all you have said into consideration. Thanks again!