Hey, Laure! Here as requested.
Okay, first off, you rendered me speechless. Your descriptions; I—wow. They suited the atmosphere, fit like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, splashed color to the setting. I couldn't read fast enough—not nearly—to satisfy the thirst. My eyes and emotions glazed over, fixed on the screen ... this piece has ensnared my soul.
My favorite description? Gosh, that's a difficult question.
... and his low, timbre voice spinning tales of bygone days.
I think this struck such an impact because of the word choice. You could've just easily gone with "him" instead of his voice. So what this suggests ... he often surprises even himself: he simply parts his lips and slackens his tongue, gives his thoughts free rein. His inner consciousness is left to roam in his memories.
... a quiet voice that was both melodious and melancholy.
And this ... the consonance and assonance. It was pure genius.
But the clauses were fanning across my vision, trapping my gaze. I focused more on their length than their content. They were simply loaded with prepositions and adjectives, to the point that the descriptions detracted from the paragraph-in-question's meaning.
As she grew older and brought home clumsily drawn pictures of trees and rectangular houses, only the vacuous silence of an unloved house welcomed her.
This could be sliced up and reworded, while still establishing variation of sentence structure. Always check for what can be clipped without affecting the meaning, clipped.
I also caught several variations on "smog-coated leaf." I'd advise against recycling descriptions, but that'd make me a filthy hypocrite . Just don't put scraps too near each other, and try to transform them as much as you can.
That aside, I can only gush about the pacing. The conclusion was satisfying, and impressed upon the reader a sense of finality. The theme's cliché, I'll admit, but you crafted it into something unique, weaving imagery through the piece. My only other nitpicks concern grammar .
clumsily drawn
This should be hyphenated.
For it was only in the evening, she had an inkling of true content and happiness as she and her grandpa explored the parks and she remembered ...
The second "she" is the object, as opposed to the subject, so it should be exchanged for "her." A comma should also be inserted before "and," as "and" is the conjunction connecting the independent clauses. The comma after "evening" is also unnecessary.
There are no adequate words to describe those feelings.
Switched to present tense here. I don't really have anything against it, but as you concluded in past tense, I'd recommend converting it to past as well.
head titled to the sun
I think you meant "tilted" here.
grandpa’s hair
"Grandpa" should be capitalized, as no possessive pronoun precedes it.
After, the two
The "after" should be exchanged for "afterwards."
Quick lesson on dialogue: when a period concludes it, but the period's followed by a speaker tag, then the period should be replaced with a comma. If I was too confusing, this might help.
I also caught some comma splices, but those can be mended with a quick sweep over the piece .
Overall, fantastic job. Keep up the good work!
Points: 31200
Reviews: 308
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