The art of life

very cool!

Hi Laure, you asked me to help you make this a better poem, so here I am

In chat I gave you a good idea about the basic things I'm seeing from this poem that will help you improve in the next one, but that doesn't say much about what to do for this one.

First thing I suggest to most people is re-write it. Take the same idea, and write it over again so that you get a clearer picture of what you wanted to say in the first place. the idea I get from this is "The faint trail of shadowed paint - blurred memories/Overlapped by pools of illuminating lights,... controlling the possibilities of everything." For me this says everything else that is in the poem. If you start here or end here, it doesn't much matter, but getting this idea through in a new way, saying it differently, thinking about it more, or just re-writing it and continuing forward from there will get new ideas out.

Try taking this idea, this moment and explore it through the creative language. How is the paintbrush controlling everything? How is everything at the tip of the brush? What about the hand and the brush themselves being excluded from everything? Why is it a faint trail of shadowed paint instead of a dug trench? Do your best not to repeat yourself as you explore the poem again.

Once you've written another version based on your new knowledge and your new outlook on life, see if there is anything you can do to improve it by taking out useless words (The canvas that was blank = The blank canvas).
Limit down things that are repeated to just one of the multiple assembled.
Pick the one you like the best that shows the most depth and character.
If you don't like any of them for a particular idea, pick up the idea again and write it again.

When you're satisfied with it, you can move on to the next section, but take your time to think about the connotation (related meaning of a word) of the words you choose.
How does saying "splattering" vs "smattering" or "smear" change the meaning of the poem?
Try replacing words to get deeper meanings. Look for words that you can use to make internal rhymes that will help with flow.

Now you're where I'm typically working the hardest: line choice, and stanzas.
For now I'll say this, each and every line should be unique in and of itself. "Splattering teardrops" is different than "paint splattering teardrops" but both of them are possible lines in this poem. Use the line breaks to create an interesting and unique experience when pulling the lines out of context.
If you have something like Of, A, The, About, Or, And, As, We, Us, You (Determiners, Pronouns, adjectives,) they typically go best at the beginning of the next line
Not the end of the lines.
Important words should go at the end of lines if it works nicely.

Stanzas are typically broken up into sections of an idea. A stanza for one metaphor, a stanza for the next, a stanza for one symbol. They can work beyond sentences, so one stanza can be a small section of a larger sentence. This really lends nicely to playing with the ideas within a sentence and making huge sentences.

If you work on this poem by using these things to keep you moving, you should end up with a poem that is completely different, cutting out the repetitive words by exploring your word banks through free-writing, expanding the idea through studying what ideas you have in the poem, and synthesizing them together to specify your word choice.

As you keep writing poetry, you might begin to realize you're writing longer poems and then trimming them down before you post. This is typically how I write poems and a lot of other people on here. We start with something several stanzas long, and then trim down to something that's compact and really what we meant.

I'd say the best thing about poetry though is the ability it has to surprise you, so don't strangle a poem into submission. Let it come through what metaphors you pick, what language pops into your head, and what ideas struggle to the surface as you write and develop. A lot of poets say that if a poem doesn't surprise you when you write it, it's not going to surprise a reader.

Loooooooove this. Hard to find any peccadillos.

But, the word choice "illuminates" is a bit elementary, or trying- even far fetched as a fitting word. Rather, i would say "radiates" or likewise another 'emitting' word instead of 'lighting' word.

Love the parallels in first two lines- KEEP. Maybe a better, more interesting word than "very" for that pair of endings, but still great lines. Love it.

Also drop the s in increases; it should be, "the ridges that increase" right? Not too good with grammar.

Anyways, great! Love it!

I totally understand what you are saying with this! I am an artist so this was worded perfectly. I love how your words flowed together. The imagery made me want to get out some art supplies and actually SEE this poem happening. It seemed like you kept it simple, and I love that. There is so much power in your words, and you don't even have to use a lot to bring that power! It's like magic:)
You have so much potential so keep up the good work and write some more stuff like this!

Hello, Laure.
Kanome here with a wonderful review for you.

First off, great imagery x3 I love the wording and the way the words turn into images in my head.
Secondly, I like how you did your sentences, with one normal and the other italic, it's basically showing a beginning and an end.
All I can say is to keep up the good work, because I really love your writing.
It's beautiful, the way you write.
It's so different, which is a really good thing if you plan to become a writer in the future.
<3 <3 <3

Anyways, I didn't see anything wrong in this poem. Keep it up. I can't wait to read more!

Kanome out! :3

This is really quite beautiful, and has some fantastic imagery in it. The interchanging use of the regular text and the italicized text was well done, and the idea was very very nice.

Some nitpicks:
1. Easily fixable, when you typed "at the very end ," there was a space between the comma and the 'end.'
2. I believe that the '-' symbol in the first two lines are unnecessary. Instead they could read, "The canvas that was blank at the very start ... And the canvas that was blank at the very end,"
3. The last line should read, "That illuminates from THE paintbrush in our hands -"

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this and would give it six out of ten stars.

Hey Laure!
I love the fact that there is not a single spelling error in your work. Specifically, I'm not aware of any. The concept of life as art reminds me of shakespeare's "all the world's a stage" in "as you like it." There's just a tiny bit similarity, and that to me gives your work all the originality I think a literary work requires. It's nice.