[This is a tribute to a wonderful neighbour that passed away last year due to Cancer. Is nothing fancy, just straight from the heart. Comment and review as you please]
I went to see the night sky
Filled with all those stars
Just glowin' right up there
Shimmering against the dark
Is been a while
And sorry I couldn't come sooner
because I should have
Of all you did for me
A stranger out of nowhere
But you gave me all you could
All those little things
Shimmering like stars
A package tied in twine
A spoke lined in line
The crinkle of your smile
The sky your eyes are
They merge into constellations
Ingrained in my universe
And oh, I wish you are here
Because the stars tonight, shines brighter than ever
[Rest in peace, I hope you're happy where you are now.]
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140,740 Literary Works • 673,684 Reviews
Hi there! I'd just like to go all out and honestly say that this is a beautiful piece of work. I love your descriptions, especially how you described the face features: "The crinkle of your smile, The sky your eyes are."
It's a beautiful poem. Definitely one of my favourites. But here I'd like to share a different way of describing the stars in the night sky. Maybe you could use this in your future works, especially short stories and novels.
" Stars had begun to dimly pepper the night sky. "
I find that a very creative way of describing the stars. I don't think it appears too cliche, or maybe it just isn't for me. xD
And I feel terribly sorry for your neighbour who passed away.
But, overall, I love this. Publish more poems, please. xD
-Lisa
hello
i really like this poem, it's full of feelings
and i'm sorry for your neighbour who passed away
keep writting like this
Hello there, have a great day!
I am really impressed with you poem here. Although it is expressed with a sad tone of voice, you are still able to make this poem feels like a beautiful piece of art with a good diction. You certainly deserves applause for this.
You enter some hope that makes him/her seem to remain alive even though he/she had left the world. Expect it to be a constellation of stars in the night sky may have become a cliche, but somehow I still felt the deep impact through it. You using a simple language style, goes on to say everything with light and thus making the poem easier to read and understand.
However, I think the impact/effect will be more wonderful if you put some punctuation to make it flow slow/smoothly. Some sentence structures I found here are kinda interesting;
Written in passive sentence seems to give advantage/fit with the poem so that it doesn't sound plain and boring. Good job!
Keep writing
Thanks so much for taking time to read it, I will work punctuation into my future poems. But I guess I'm a tag afraid of them, they tend to run all over the place and I can't rein them in.
Thanks so much for taking time to read it, I will work punctuation into my future poems. But I guess I'm a tag afraid of them, they tend to run all over the place and I can't rein them in.
I love the title of this work. And the formatting.
It's really easy to read.
Since this piece is so personal to you, I feel like I want to be honest.
It's beautiful without being cliché. I loved it.
You touch on all the main areas of the senses:
'The sky your eyes are'
'And oh, I wish you are here'
I could just quote the whole piece. XD
I am sorry for your loss.
I really thought this work made a beautiful tribute.
A wonderful job, well done.
hello there
so first i wanna say that this poem was so touchy , because you wrote it from the deep of your heart .
i liked how you turned all that sadness to a wonderful piece , that it's expressive and very touchy .
i think that the starting of your poem was so nice , it presented the poem in a meaningful way .
but from another side , your poem needs ponctuation , and you should add '' it '' in the beginning of this stanza
'' is been a while ''
also this part confused me '' the sky your eyes are '' , '' they merge into constellations '' , i think maybe you should remove the '' are '' in the end of the first sentence .
in general , it was a very good poem .
keep writing
smile
Punctuation? I shall attempt to work them into my future poems. Thank you so much for taking time to read this and I'm glad you liked it.