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Remember our pattern

by LanguidLiger

We are lucky to be in a time and age. When all that we do is kept on a page.

But not by a sage. Or a scribe. But the infinity realm of the worlds hard drive.

And although many may not subscribe, you can show all on a blog, echoing the vibe. Your memory stays jogged, So although you wish to be remembered by our race. In reality you'll see that your impact was a furtive glance on a stoic face.

And that relatives see us in greater depth than the squall,Revealed is a pattern of seeking approval, From people who are seeking the same from this cold earthen ball, reconstructed from silicon pain-proof withdrawal, Algorithmically indistinguishable insane sea gulls.

Me me me, for all our time in space we believe that were the star, in a devu of life, we think we can beat the par, it only began at our conception, were like a dull knife, were adored and were all opposed to strife, but in the process we fail to draw blood, and leave an unevolved unresolved freak show fife, shrieking on high, but its a high thats been preached, allready reached, but not impeached, and inaudible, irritating to the masses that divide us little, but become the focal point in a synthesized teams riddle, and others are just extras in our minds eye projection,We could keep things together, or replace the parts, but after restoration deterioration starts.

And the repairs are a marketable reconstruction of your charts, by-which you pin your lifes path to anothers empty hearth. And when it springs to life with a fire of passion, all that youve said will become out of fashion. So take photos, you say, or sketch your concept, and even these will fade, our memories still inept.

So truly it is the only way, in indifference to the sentimental fray, the truth with which you wish them to be scarred, the iron grating an unworthy safeguard, an expansion of indistinguishably bland coal chard. Hope is a vanity we've longed to discard.A calling card for effort and energy discharged. A non-renewable resource, not found in the eyes of a racehorse, nor the jockey whos paced force, is what gets past the second place, not in the childs eyes, the ignorant parosyte, but in their fanfare, parents and gamblers. They remember you first, they remember you last. Thats not the point for those who care, the swords double edged, the lasceration keeps leeking and their proud of you, but the rest of the apathites fall through. Were forgotten unless we happened to found that level, through legal papers and moneys gavel, forced respect, so when you fall hard on your piles of gold coins, hoping they were liquid, your funds will become obsolete, like evrything in this world. Theyll eventually deplete, materials you accumulated. And when your gone the possesions are divided. So accumulate expieriences, accomplishments, good deeds, and youll live on through your impact on the petri dish. Still here.

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1416 Reviews

Points: 3633
Reviews: 1416

Mon Aug 04, 2014 1:44 pm
Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there!

I find this a very interesting piece. It's under the category of poetry, yet it isn't in the same poetic form that I see other poetry in. As I was reading, I thought maybe it was a short story and you just put it in the wrong place. But then I realized that this really is a poem, just not one in the original sense of poetry. The lines are long, super long :3, and the stanzas are all broken up differently. I'm impressed by what you've done here. It's quite unique.

EDIT: Now after I've read through it all, it seems like it's more of a formatting issue, but I'm not really sure. Did you mean for it to look like this or did YWS just decide to mess with your formatting?

Your memory stays jogged, So although you wish to be remembered by our race. In reality you'll see that your impact was a furtive glance on a stoic face.

These few sentences here are worded awkwardly. I think you were trying to make sentences here and the punctuation got in the way (how rude of it). The part here that I underlined looks like it should be the beginning of a sentence. However, it comes at the end of a sentence instead, stuck behind a comma. What you can do here is change that comma to a period, make that the beginning of a new sentence, and then get rid of the period after the word 'race'. Then you'll have two sentences that fit together quite nicely.

Since I'm not really a poetry person, I'm going to stay away from the technicalities of this piece and just focus on the overall feel. I'll let someone else come behind me and help you with the technicalities and formatting and all that.

You've got a poem about technology here. What I find hard about focusing on that subject is the fact that it can very easily turn into a rant. Technology is one of those topics that people get intense about and just want to talk and talk about how it's ruining our social interactions in life and blah, blah, blah. What you did here, however, is take that topic and make it something more interesting. You took all of our feelings and put them into words, pointing out our insecurities in life because of technology. It all flows very well, and it really, honestly made me think about my own life and how attached I am to technology. Well done.

Alright, I know I said that I wasn't going to focus on the technicalities of this poem, but I am going to make a comment about your rhyming. Now, I know that rhyming is difficult. You may want to say one thing but then the only word that rhymes has nothing to do with your original idea. So you have to stretch out the poem, make a few detours before you can come back to where you were in the beginning. I get it, it's tough. And you do have a few of those in here. For example (this is one that really stuck out to me):
A non-renewable resource, not found in the eyes of a racehorse, nor the jockey whos paced force, is what gets past the second place

I think I can see the loose connection here, but what exactly does a racehorse and a jockey have to do with technology? Are you trying to compare technology to the force of a horse running around a racetrack? That's the only thing I could come up with while trying to figure this out. Like I said, it's hard to find rhymes. But when you do find them, you want to make sure they absolutely, 100% (or even 90% will work) fit into your poem. Otherwise you're forced to go off in some circle that'll take you farther away from your original point. Please PM me if you want me to point out the other rhymes. I'll be happy to come back and help out :)

So overall I really enjoyed reading this. Even though it's formatted like this, it flowed really well. With all the punctuation you have in here, it's easy to follow and I understand where you made the breaks and everything to help this poem flow. You took on an interesting, and sometimes tough, subject and portrayed it well. And the best part is, you got me thinking. That's one of the many wonders of poetry in my opinion. It gets you to really think and feel about something that has been going on in your life. Thank you for writing this!

Keep writing!

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Points: 657
Reviews: 11

Mon Jul 28, 2014 5:47 pm
danceofparchment wrote a review...

Wow. This is just ... fantastic! I love how well you've conveyed the word we live in today, the world of technology. There were a couple of grammatical errors, such as you spelt 'they'll' and 'you'll' as 'theyll' and youll', but overall this was great.

One thing, though: Your verses are a bit odd. You didn't really put them into separate lines and that after the second line, and by the end it really seemed more like a rhyming short story than a poem. I am not sure if this was intentional, or through a fault of your own or whatever you use to write, but I would advise you to fix this.

As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda