Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Politics

16+ Language

Powers Safety Net

by LanguidLiger


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Why do I hate so fucking much? The way they bullshit one another its compartmentalised and plush.

An insane asylum for inane defilum who make the same jokes, choke the same spokes, on the slowly rolling train of disposed of hoax, calling out to society for ideas weve decided are stained with to much blood.

this taboo pile that no-one pokes.I want to impose cascading herbicide on these weeds weve accepted as lives, and hope the lie dies.

Because maybe with lye, we'll find a way to get past, the piles and piles of detracted currency, cash, dictions, ideological sheaths of soiled schemes, the dirt that is caked around our human perception,the net that we no longer get to despise.

shed skins ignored as best as possible, but their dirt is eventually brought about. We'll test the temporary redrick that weve chosen to shout, the leaders view well see anew from the top of each uniquely vibrant flower shaft.

we'll know once and for all what gets us anywhere other than an escaping root, and well finally get to plant the ascending escape bulbs that we want too. Lets put it to a vote.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
33 Reviews


Points: 490
Reviews: 33

Donate
Tue Aug 05, 2014 5:54 pm
Romania wrote a review...



It took me two times to get the messeage clearly. I wont grammar nazi you cause im horrable at grammar.
First thought is the line "because maybe with lye," could have two meanings: one is the obvious clean up the mess that we all live in as a socitey or useing lye as a figurative poison to destory the poisonous. I dont know if you ment to do that but awesome if you did. The anagoly of sheding skin to dispose of dirt was well thought out.

The last two paragraphs have a nature theme to it that dosnt follow along with the rest of the work. Plus ending the work with "lets put it too a vote" weakens the message since the orginal motif in the first four phrases was disrupted. I would move the line to the end of the third phrase so that the nature theme and the more human driven problem theme dont clash.




User avatar
65 Reviews


Points: 607
Reviews: 65

Donate
Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:49 pm
wtppowers wrote a review...



Hello, LanguidLiger! It's Mr. Powers here, with another fun and exciting review! Today, I'll be looking at this thing you named after me, "Powers Safety net".

Okay, so the first thing I notice is the fact that "net" is not capitalized in your title. Usually, those words would be capitalized in a title. Now, onto the actual work itself:

When you said "Why do I hate so fucking much", is that a question? Because if it is, you forgot the question mark. The entire next paragraph seems like a big run-on. It should instead be:

"An insane asylum for inane defilum who make the same jokes, choke the same spokes on the slowly rolling train of disposed of hoax, and call out to society for ideas we've decided are stained with to much blood."

I'm not even sure if that's right. But I know that your version isn't, no offense.

In the third paragraph, it should be "we've", not "weve". You did the same thing in the previous paragraph.

In paragraph 4, there should be no comma between "past" and "the piles". I would also put an "and" before "the dirt", and turn the comma before "the net" into a semi-colon.

In the 5th paragraph, it should be "leader's" or "leaders'", depending on how many leaders you're speaking of. Also, "we've".

Finally, there are only three things wrong with the last part. For one, you should capitalize the first letter in every line. Also, you put "well" when it should be "we'll", and "Lets" instead of "Let's".

As far as the message goes, I don't quite get it. I'm going to assume that you're tired of the world being the way it is, and want people to own up to their mistakes.

One final note, the language you used is very sophisticated. I like it, it shows intelligence. Also, you classified this as a poem. I don't think it's a poem. It should instead be an essay or something.

But in the end, I know you mean well. So I'm giving this a favorable review. Take care, keep writing, and thanks for putting my name in your title :D




LanguidLiger says...


Well the safety net caught you this time, but next reveiw MOAR PRAISE! Lol, just kidding. Thanks for the reveiw, Im sure it will be helpful.




Be led by your talent and not by your self-loathing ... everything beautiful in the world is within you.
— Russell Brand