Enviro-lent

Hi, Chips here with a review.

I liked the interesting style of writing you had going on here. It was a very descriptive poem and the feeling of being cold was definitely evident so well done on that. The internal rhyme was also quite refreshing to see.

But, I do have a few suggestions which may be of help to you.

As much as I did like the interesting style you had here, it was quite confusing at times. The descriptions became too much and the actual story was getting lost within them so by the end of the poem, I didn't really have a clear idea of the message you were trying to convey so perhaps work on the clarity of it a bit more.

The formatting wasn't ideal for this poem I think since you have internal rhymes which are great by the way. They cannot be spotted straight away because everything is written together in sentences, and some spaces, which also begins to give a more story-like feel as oppose to a poetic one. Stanzas would work better here, but the formatting is up to you as a poet.

You had a few punctuation and grammar errors so remember to spell-check and proof read your work afterwards.

"We rushed, begrudgingly, to the promise of excitment,

so rarely touched on, by snowflakes, frozen lakes,"

You have a spelling error in the first line here, "excitment" should be spelled as *excitement*
I found there to be too many commas in these two lines also. I think the comma after, "rushed" is not needed so it can be taken out. Even the unnecessary comma after, "on" in the second line is not needed. Without them, read aloud the flow sounds better.

"bombarding our exposed faces with fraggle"

Here, you have another spelling error, "fraggle" should be *fragile*

"disjointed expierience two part, for the price of our senses."

And here, "expierience" should be, *experience*.

Overall this was a nice piece, just look over it more. It definitely has potential as your use of description is great! Just don't let the descriptions take over too much. Keep writing and I hope this review helped.

--Chippy

Hey LanguidLiger,

So automatically, the spelling in this poem isn't so good xD Come now! Browsers come installed with automatic spell-checkers, no? Also, lots of comma splices. Try these resources! They might be able to help with that.

I agree with ccwriting, the diction/syntax for this piece is interesting because there's this sort of stream of conscious style of writing that makes it really effective to imagine the cold, frigid atmosphere. So, I absolutely love that along with a few of the details, like tingling toes, callous hands, because it really adds believably and puts us right into that scene. So while I like the style and the choppiness, there were some points where it makes it difficult to read or understand what is going on. So for example, the second line "so rarely touched on by snowflakes, frozen lakes" it's difficult to understand -- what is the subject of this line, and how does "frozen lakes" fit in? Is the lake, along with the snowflakes rarely touched? It's slightly confusing.

Other lines though, such as "extremities flushed, tones hushed" I really loved. I didn't even notice the rhyme until just now, and I like the movement of these thoughts. The content itself describes winter, but the movement of the thoughts -- fast, clipped, and the sounds of the words themselves: airy and sort of spitty, all of these I attribute to winter as well. It's rare to find a poet on here that uses the full extent of their poem to the way that your poem is used - it's not just content here, but also the way that the words are working together, the way the words sound together, the way that the piece moves -- impressive!

Maybe just work on cleaning it up a bit! I hope this helps.

~ as always, Audy

This is an interesting format for poetry. I wouldn't usually put it in paragraph form, but as I'm reading this, the poem has made it more interesting. After the thunderstorms for the past few days in my area, I wish it were winter, so it would be snowing than constant flooding. The words used in this poem to describe the cold makes me imagine the weather being snowy rather than rainy outside right now. I really like that because of what I explained before. I do have a few things about grammar that you should fix to make it look nice.

"wouldn't"

"bodies"

"cold's"