Run to the promising sun. Its a hope thats receded from our bow.
Its implied light will lighten you a ton. Unlike the steel hull of here and now.
The anticipation of it beams right through. The conduit mast lifts our bloated sail as we run.
What did the crew scrawl across it now?
Your eyes are still clouded by lifes insurmountable sum.
My own waterlogged mind clings to you. The cannonade is white noise long due.
Like a cat with a litter thats a heavy and burdoned one. I hide in the galley eating the weakest notion.
Eating my responsibilitys one by one. The worm eaten wood is the structure we must preserve.
Ancient emanation from a possibly dead sensation. Blind hope, enough for me to lose my nerve.
Are we looking to a dead star for guidance in realties clown car? Or are we looking to a vibrant young blue and ignoring our current vector.
Is this a moving-part nation? Or is our movement from fear and the stale gales in the sail?
Or are we parietaly dead in our tidal pool of dread and zeal? Will we ever heal, or feel the light we've sealed?
If you favor hindsight, peer in denial at our sagging keel.
You'll find that the weight of our past is what guides your gazes upward peel.
Were capsizing vertically.
And the futures spoils are cascading accordingly.
Thats why I stole all of this cheap enjoyment, cant you see?
The lightest aren't falling into deaths gaping maw, just behind me.
Because the lightests path is lighter to the last, and it wont come back to bite me. The gimbal of null is all thats inside me.
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hello.
You have dozens of grammar errors in here, most of them relating around apostrophes. You don't mark out possessives or contractions very often, which gets extremely confusing when the only difference between words is an apostrophe (for example, "were capsizing" can be either "we are capsizing" or past tense of "capsizing" depending on whether or not an apostrophe is there). Punctuating poetry properly is important, if only to avoid mix-ups like the one in my example.
Onto your lines. You have one idea per line, which not only makes each line long, but robs the poem of all flow. Poetry often, if not always, uses enjamblement as a poetic technique, which is basically a fancy way of saying "a sentence goes across multiple lines of a poem." It makes the poem much more appealing, visually, and adds a wonderful element of flow. Because sentences cross over lines, the poem ends up less choppy and generally easier to read.
Your rhyming is also very inconsistent, without any pattern. Rhyme schemes are best kept consistent simply because people look for patterns and pick up on them. Whenever you break that pattern, it draws attention to the fact you have a pattern in the first place. Structure is best kept invisible.
I know I'm not talking about the content of this poem much, but it was honestly really difficult to get any idea of content because of how choppy and inconsistent this was. If you work on the structure, then you can have people find meaning in your work.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hello and Happy Review Day!
Like your username. Is that a homestuck reference?
"Its implied light will lighten you" This line is a bit confusing. How and why is the light implied and not real? I know light isn't substantive, but that doesn't mean it's implied.
"Don't stare to long at what you hope to have won" to --> too. I also think the hope should be past tense since the winning is.
If you're not going to have apostrophes, that's totally cool. One of the great things about poems is you can be grammatically free. But please be consistent about it.
There are several spelling mistakes in this poem. Those are easy to fix though; just read it through with those in mind.
"Or are we looking to a vibrant young blue and ignoring our current vector." This is incredibly beautiful.
You've got lots of wonderful imagery and incredible word choice throughout this poem. You've also captured very well a subtle sense of foreboding throughout the piece. Overall, a lovely piece.
Hope this review helped!
-tgirly
Nice poem! Good job! I really do like the ending line. But, one nitpick about it. You don't really begin a sentence with the word, because. If you look at the sentence before the second to last sentence, and then look at the next sentence, you but the word, because at the front of it. It isn't really good to do that in a story. But overall, good job with it all! I love it! I will look for more of your poems! Don't give up and always write!