You. A collection of thoughts, constantly shifting, pounding the rocks. Who really cares how you get them off?
A conciouse stream that never knocks, questions the seams but never the locks.
Frustration abounds where vision is limited. Regret is a chemical, when will they mint it?
Drugs are freedom, freedom is crushed, snorted, injected, swilled, and spilled when the hammer is dropped.
A mind is a sea, seething, conceding, the concept of others is seedy when mistreated.
Capped by the moment, the outward restraint. Self perception is flimsy and faint.
But others are constant, defined by past acts. When is this fair, when we all redact?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hey LanguidLiger, Chips here with a review!
Good Points:
You have a vivid and interesting perspective on quite a lot of things from what I can see here. You have an extensive vocabulary and sound diction. I also liked your use of internal rhyming.
Almost every line held its own impact.
"You. A collection of thoughts, constantly shifting, pounding the rocks. Who really cares how you get them off?"
I actually liked this line best, as it was the most straightforward and the descriptions created a great imagery I think.
Improve On:
The formatting definitely holds back how much better the poem could be in terms of presentation and ease for the reader to read it directly. It's written in long sentences which makes the poem appear longer than it is and the descriptions seem squashed together.
Sometimes the rhyme scheme didn't flow, particularly in the last line.
"But others are constant, defined by past acts. When is this fair, when we all redact?"
I think sometimes your vivid descriptions could have been reduced as the actual message of the poem becomes lost within them.
Overall:
Very well done on this piece! I hope you continue to write. Hope this review helped.
--Chippy
Whoaa Whoaa Whoaa.-*Regains back senses* Must say,you have an amazing vocabulary with a mindboggling perspective on life.
It would be more than perfect,if you could do it.
You know,I really adore the ones ,having such a depth about themselves.People who stand fixed to their ideals and visions,no matter what.And yeah,you're one such person.
Turning back to the poem-It is quite a masterpiece.The choice of words to create the desired impact is outstanding.
You did your best with the line-"A mind is a sea, seething, conceding, the concept of others is seedy when mistreated." -That just blew me off,completely.
But what I feel is this-That you could really do better with the last line,you know?
I mean,you have maintained a strong flow of imagery all throughout the poem,which doesnt quite seem to melt well with the last line.I just saw what you are capable of,and so,you know,I wish for more.
But anyway,you are simply awesome at this.Keep writing!
Thank you for the review
Ill take your concerns to the drawing board!
Interesting view on different things. It's nice to see things from your perspective.
Hey!
Wow, I really love your word choice, and alliteration in this - it really makes the poem flow. I love this because it is so little, and yet impacting. You did a very good job on this, thats really all that I can say. The way you wrote it is very different, in a way that you take weird synonyms, and yet make them go together. Great writing!