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Golden rules

by LanguidLiger


The golden rule must be turned on its side.

With conservative sense you hide that its died.

We cant and shouldn't stick in our ruts.

We can and should appeal to whats, ifs and buts.

For much to long we've stocked this valued commodity.

We've backed up our arguments with a statement of monogomy.

This code that helps us shoo the heavy thoughts away.

Its use is stuck in the past I pray.

Do not brow beat with the good old saying.

Ive tested with pressure the qualitys your portraying.

They're soft and flimsy like a kite in the wind.

The jet stream shifts, lets pull out our pins.


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Thu Jul 17, 2014 12:07 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



So, I'm not much of a poet but I'll give this a shot.

1. I don't know if it's the anger against society, the faulty grammar, or the rhythm - but this sounds like a rap song. I mean, just picture this

For much to long we've stocked this valued commodity.

We've backed up our arguments with a statement of monogomy.


coming out of Eminem's mouth. It just fits!. The rapping vibe was useful because it helped to convey the anger you obviously feel, which gave the poem emotional value.

2. I'm not sure I totally understand 'The Golden Rule' but it reminded me of my current government. I'm in the UK and we have a Conservative Government right now. My country seems to hate extremism, which is good, except that it means everyone's pretty much in the centre and nobody really has any opinions other than that they want votes. This gives the government a very bureaucratic, pointless feel and something about this really clicked with that. It was as if you were calling them all out on their crap.

Well done! :)




LanguidLiger says...


I am exited by your insight (: This is similar to my opinion that candidate are in it or themselves, and values are interchangeable. This distribution if power is further radizalized when the voters befome apathetic and allow the money of institutions to rule thier employed protector. That this false dicotomy is so interchangeably favoured, is a testament to its frailty. Thanks for the reveiw.



ExOmelas says...


You're welcome! Although saying that, my country (Scotland) is about to go through what is apparently the second most democratic referendum of all time so I guess that's good. (Although I do wish the whole thing would just shut up and go away. Shoo, Salmond, shoo!)



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Thu Jul 10, 2014 9:26 pm
MasterGrieves wrote a review...



Heggo there :) This is MasterGrieves, and poetry is my forte (although novel writing is becoming a habit of mine :P). I have thus come across your poem on my travels. I can definitely sense an aura of non-conformity, or at least in the deconstruction of societal values. The narrator finds the "golden rules" to be absurd and nonsensical. For some reason, reading this poem reminds me of Franz Kafka, specifically The Trial.

Now, let's take this four lines at a time.

The golden rule must be turned on its side.

With conservative sense you hide that its died.

We cant and shouldn't stick in our ruts.

We can and should appeal to whats, ifs and buts.


So, nitpicks in regards to punctuation: "cant" should have an apostrophe. as should "whats, ifs and buts" and "its". Content wise, this is not too dissimilar to my more politically-motivated works. I like the use of emphasis on "died"; it adds anger to the attack, which I presume is on an outdated ideal.

For much to long we've stocked this valued commodity.

We've backed up our arguments with a statement of monogomy.

This code that helps us shoo the heavy thoughts away.

Its use is stuck in the past I pray.


"To" should be too. So far, my main gripe with this poem is the punctuation. I can understand if English isn't your first language, though. Also, your message in this stanza seems a bit too ambiguous. What is the "commodity", exactly? And how does it relate to "monogamy"? Is monogamy a bad thing? If so, why?

Do not brow beat with the good old saying.

Ive tested with pressure the qualitys your portraying.

They're soft and flimsy like a kite in the wind.

The jet stream shifts, lets pull out our pins.


Ok, now this is the part of the poem where it sort of falls apart, in my opinion. I don't understand the first line very well. "Ive" should be "I've". "Qualitys" should be "qualities". "Your" should be "you're". The third line is ok, I like the simile, but "lets" in the last line should be "let's".

Overall, an interesting message, but needs patching up in the technical department. If you have any questions, just PM me. :)




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Wed Jul 09, 2014 8:10 am
ShakespearedGirl wrote a review...



It is a quite a brilliant poem.
But yet again,I agree,with #Donisback ,who suggested,saying that it would give the poem a clearer picture with the use of more apt punctuation.
The choice of words is really awesome.
And I really loved that line-"We've backed up our arguments with a statement of monogomy."

And I personally feel,you could worked a bit around the line-"Do not brow beat with the good old saying."-Its sounds kind of odd.You could somehow restructure some phrases ,to maintain the ebb,you know.

Nevertheless,its another great piece of yours.
Keep writing!




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Wed Jul 09, 2014 2:41 am
donizback wrote a review...



Hello LanguidLiger,

Welcome to YWS; hope you are enjoying and learning a lot here.

I am here for a mini review.

First of all, the use of punctuation was absent which, no doubt, made your poem a bit tough to understand and the flow lacked too.

However, the rhymes were there and naturally were flowing too. Your poem had a great message too.

I feel that you should change this stanza at least:
"We can and should appeal to whats, ifs and buts"

Don't write whats; maybe whats' or what's would do the work.

The rest was already pointed out by some other members.

It was a good poem and I can see some talent in you. Keep writing and don't forget, the more you make mistakes; the more you learn :)

Have a great day.

Cheers




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Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:52 am
AdjiFlex wrote a review...



Let me start with something good here. Your first line is brilliant - turning a rule on its side is certainly an intriguing thought. You have chosen a not very cliche topic to write about, which is one of the ways to more easily write good poetry.

Now for some pointers that I hope will help you. Your topic is "Golden rules", while your first line and onward doesn't reflect that plurality. Is it rule or rules? Also, I think the 'rule(s) should be stared with a capital R. Of course it is poetry so it's not a must to adhere to grammatical constructs, but make sure you know when you are breaking the rules. Rule breaking should be deliberate, not accidental.

On to a more general piece of the commentary, I totally disliked the idea of making silly rhymes while writing on this serious topic. Rhymes have their places, but I don't think you should bother to use that poetic device in a poem like this. Also, this poem is too short for you to have grammatical errors sticking out. I can't make sense of the second sentence (maybe the 'its' should be 'it's'?). "For much to long" should be "For much too long" I'm almost sure. "Ive" and "lets" both deserve apostrophes I believe.

For some reason I love your last line, especially the last part of it. You have a good idea working with here. With some ironing out, it can be a much better piece of poetry. When (well if) you've edited, you can message me to do another review.




LanguidLiger says...


Yeah this one was a bit lighter than my in my usual stule I admit. Thanks or the critique and all try to put it to good use. The golden rue bit was meant to represent a regime, like a dictatorship might be the iron rule. Just a bit of wordplay. Thank you for your time.



AdjiFlex says...


Ah, I see. Well remember that you can't keep the meaning of the poem in your head. Make it a bit more... readable. Or maybe I'm just a little dense :)



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Wed Jul 09, 2014 12:50 am
midnightstars wrote a review...



Fantastic poem LanguidLiger!

Your word choice was excellent and you seemed to know what you were talking about which is very important to the poem.

The narrator had a few grammatical errors and sometimes the rhymes seemed a little forced.

In the second line the narrator said...

With conservative sense you hide that its died.


When the word "its" needs to be it's.

In the third line the poet said...

We cant and shouldn't stick in our ruts.


The word "cant" needs to be changed to can't.

In the third to last line the narrator said...

Ive tested with pressure the qualitys your portraying.


The word "Ive" needs to be changed to I've and the word "qualitys" needs to be changed to qualities .

All and all keep great work and keep writing! :D





I sleep with reckless abandon!
— Link Neal