Why must everything turn out to be a placebo. Tunneling in and out, like a doubtful weevil, I want to shout at myself, but It keeps luaghing at what Ive felt.
Like it thinks I cant comprehend my brain, it tightens its belt. I must accept others lies to live as well as theyve sold it,it all wears away, no matter how much I solder it.
and new hedonism emerges plain as day. Before I even know what to say. To a mind that reads itself but cant Write on its own behalf. I strike an iceberg not a brain freeze, but theirs no escape raft.
Ive thrashed for so long, its teased my oblong fear and uncertainty for as long on the horizon as I can see. And Ive swam toward it for the promise of eternity. So when I dont sleep Its like a hot needle, driving itself into my territory of leibel. The lines been cut and spliced with an unholy bible. The learnings are set apart in each phonetical mood. Speech is not the issue, its the way that its subdued.
Lying about myself is as much the truth. Because I dont decide the quality of reception in this broken phone booth.
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Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hey there! Purple here to review for you! Let's get started.
First and foremost, I've noticed a lot of things in your 'writing style' that actually get in the way of what you're trying to say. The format of this piece isn't in the norm usually used for poetry. And I'm not sure if this was a personal choice, but poetry is usually in shorter lines because it creates stanzas that organizes your thoughts much better than long sentences. When you format a poem the way you have, to me, it's hardly a poem and then turns into these emotional paragraphs without clear meaning. Stanzas also help greatly with rhyme scheme. Simply hitting the enter key would make the reader see the flow and whether it's ABCB or ABAB etc. Reading your poem was difficult in all honesty, because it's as if I had to mentally highlight which words rhymed to try and find the rhythm.
Secondly, grammar was definitely an issue. Typically, a poet might either punctuate and capitalize everything that needs to be, or they don't. However, other aspects of grammar apply like 'Ive' should always be 'I've' no matter what. Any contractions have to have an apostrophe whether you decide to punctuate a poem or not.
I can't really comment on the poem itself after noticing these things, because they would change the whole thing. Good luck and happy writing!
~Purple
Hello~ firstly you misspelt laughing in the second sentence. But i notice throught you dont seem to care for the grammer. But i seriously consider it to prevent confusion in your writing. this piece is a little difficult to comprehend. You have a good idea going but the execution of your words left the piece weak. Go over it at least three times over to make sure your voice is heard in what your trying to convey.