you will always come back wanting more.
you can scream, you see, until you're blue in the face, and i will watch, watch till every spec of your body has exploded. then i will sing you to sleep so you forget every last curse that kissed your collarbones.
you never understood why flowers look so bright after rain.
you can count on your fingers, remember, every time someone told you they loved you. and you can count on your toes how many times they meant it. i can whisper in your ears, along your ribs and inside your cheeks that i know.
you smoke too much, but you hate the way it makes you smell and cough.
your lips are purple bruises that have yet to become open wounds. Sometimes i bite too hard and when you ask why, i forget to say sorry. there's three little words you're waiting to hear but i can't muster up the bravery to lie.
you start to feel alive every time you drink vodka and stare at the sun.
sometimes, remember, you get drunk on things i never said. you make me promise to remember them for you in the morning, but somehow i always leave the memories in our tangled bedsheets.
your fists make tiny dents on my back when i try to leave.
every moon means something different to the two of us, your green eyes swimming in my blue ones, my bags packing and walking out the door without me. i just can't decide which one i want and which one i don't.
so i stick one foot out the door and hope you don't notice.
A/N: This is quite personal, I think, so it might not be the best thing I've ever written. But, it's here for you to enjoy anyway.
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140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
so beautiful. <3
Wow! This poem was extremely powerful! I've never really seen stanzas like this before, but you made it work well. There wasn't anything with wording or flow that seemed off or weird to me. The only suggestion I'd make it capitalize the letters that would normally be capitalized, unless it was purposeful.
I love your analogies and visuals and symbolism. I think lots of people can relate to this, even if it's not connecting to exactly what you say. I like that you have a line through the first line of every stanza. It's a really cool idea, and I think it helps understand the poem more, but I don't understand why you did that.
The last stanza and line were so grasping! It was intense and daring, and made you think. It represented courage and fear and tied the whole poem together. It was beautiful.
Awesome poem! I hope whatever inspired this art out of you changes for the better.
-Pendr
hnnng yes.
I read through stanzagraph one and thought to myself this is personal but damn. Then I read your author's notes and thought to myself but damn. You used a technique I've just recently picked up on after reading i wrote this for you that is basically additive phrases, or extraneous interruptions. I'm not very eloquent on the subject because I haven't powered it out as much as my usual suspects. One day we'll have a talk about it. In case the phrasing isn't specific enough, it's the lines like
There's just something about that one technique that qualifies the flow in a unique way. But yes. I like this and it does things to me.
You do have some of your usual suspects in flow interruption that I'd rather not see; like the way you follow 'watch' with 'watching', which would be more powerful if it were a repeated 'watch, watch' since it sets your sentences up to agree in tense. Other than that in this stanzagraph, I would lose the 'then' in the last line.
Stanzagraph three is my favorite by a long stretch.
And in the final stretch when you mention the eyes, it's phrased clunkily and I'd really like to see it smoothed out.
And you want to know the utter truth? Other than these little things, you've given me a wonderful phase one. The strikethroughs don't particularly do anything for me, but they don't detract either. I suppose stanzagraph four doesn't quite line up the way it should; but sometimes these things happen in earlier drafts. Headliners can be weird and personal in how they feel versus how they're executed. In this case, the feeling is there, but the connection is low.
As always, reading your poetry makes me want to write my own. My final bit of advice is that there are places that would benefit from line breaks, even in prose poetry form. I'm not sure how keen you are on the idea of combining the two elements, but if it's the right phrase, it can turn something good into something gorgeous.
Ty
This is a really good piece, very well written.
The title is really strong, I probably wouldn't be viewing it if the title didn't flow as good as it does.
The way you used the lines through the verses, and the bold at the end makes it all come together.
I love how this sounds, what its about, and I can relate to it.
I can't find anything bad about this piece and I'm kind of at a lose of words because it really just struck me.
Well done, keep it up!
- Phoenix
Hello!
This was really, really deep and kind of sad. At least for me. Others might no think so, and it might also be the nostalgic music...
Just a few suggestions would be to use proper capitalization and the last sentence, 'so i stick one foot ', I would replace stick with stuck since it's past tense.
I thought this absolutely wonderful and it's very inspiring. Keep it up!