i carved our names into a tree.
"you and i 4ever"
but forever doesn't last.
the rain eventually washed away all
the words you wrote in the sand
you didn't believe in forever.
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140,212 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hi there,
I thought although this was a short poem, it portrayed a lot of meaning and passion to the reader. I thought it flowed well, all of it. I agree with everyone else that the last stanza was perfect, don't ever change it
~cassaundra~
That was a short poem, but it was beautiful. It was so beautiful...... I loved the way you wrote that "the rain eventually washed away all the words you wrote in the sand". Was there a reason that you wrote it all in lowercase letters? I'm going to remember this poem for eternity...... PLEASE DO ANOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!! (i loved that poem im going to cry!) :')
Hi Spark!
First off, cap the I's! They're so small without their cappings! Anyways this was nice and short but still drove the message clearly and with emotion! It reminds me of a line, nothing lasts forever, and it fits this poem. It's true that sand can be washed away and eventually the tree will lose it's markings as well.
I enjoyed this poem and believe it was really well done.
Sincerely,
Soulkana
It's cute and short.yes, you are right, forever is not actually forever.Nothing stays with us forever not even love.No matter how much we love someone or something, one day we are actually going to lose them or that thing and the thought of losing someone or something so special is itself revolting.I like that you have written it as 4ever instead of forever, it is kind of a different thing.I like the way that you have told such a big thing in just a few words.I love the ending of the poem.It is a little poem which says a lot in a few words and has a perfect ending.It made me think if I really do believe in forever.
Hey!
So, I really liked this little poem. Very simple, but packed a nice punch.
I agree with the previous reviewer that the tense shift is a little confusing and just a bit messy. A bit of editing should tweak that..
Just my own personal suggestion, but I think I would change the second stanza from the rain, to the sea as you are speaking about the sand. I just prefer the imagery of a wave erasing something written in sand, rather than rain. Just seems more fitting to me... maybe more cliched? Haha, you decide!
Final line is perfect. Love how it stands alone from the rest.
For a very short poem, this carried a lot of meaning. It flowed well and all, but I'd suggest you to change the third line to :
"but forever didn't last"
The change in tense hindered the flow a bit and didn't seem to work.
I love the way it ended. The last line was perfect.
Hassan