you two-fisted the handle of your umbrella,
'cause you said a storm was coming.
i watched it roll in across your skin,
and counted the rain drops that speckled your cheeks.
you imagined thunder clouds circling your head
and i tried to huff and puff them away,
but your wind is stronger than mine, and i wasn't sure i saw them anyway.
you dressed all in scarlet to brighten up your days,
(or fill them with the color of blood, i'm not really sure anymore.)
Stained glass teardrops covered my neck where you hid.
your umbrella got turned inside out
and you let it go on accident, watched it float away like a balloon.
i tried to grab your hand to stop you, but you ran after it anyway.
you dissolved into a puddle on the mirror sidewalk,
your cheek pressed to the reflection that was your downfall.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
I really like this poem, there's just a bit I have to pick on. The lines in each stanza is inconsistent. You jump around from 2-4 lines each and I think that takes away from the poem itself. I would suggest that you make the first four stanzas all four lines a piece, the end is okay to leave shorter, it kind of begs for more to be said which makes the reader feel that way and demand to know more. Other than that, I think it's a really good poem.
This will be quick and painless, I think. Let's jam.
The problem is that stanza two takes a break from this constant flow of brilliant imagery to shift into "you told me...i tried...i truly did...your wind is...i wasn't sure." Notice how the imagery is suddenly laden beneath blatant sentiment? That should change to fit the remainder - because you have to know that the remainder is blindingly on-pointe. So when you revise this, ask yourself of stanza two: "How may I take myself out without taking myself out?" This is an image-based piece, and rightfully so. I'm biased because water imagery > all things, but whatever you do get rid of the phrases I noted above. You'll find it flows more smoothly and has a stronger basis for its images.
♥ Ty
Thanks my lovely darling <333
Nyc poem