ribs and other things

This is B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. SUCH a good read. I love this poem so much!
There are a few grammatical errors, such as the use of "i" instead of "I" and the following:
"to through the skin."
This does not make much sense to me. Perhaps "to go through my skin" would be more fitting?
"to where all the bad thing goes."
"All" implies thereis more than one bad thing, so the sentence should be: "to where all the bad things go".
"just make me feeling better with tongues that transform numbers into song"
"Just make me feel better" would flow better here.
Aside from these little things though, your poem is stunning.
The metaphorical use of the ivory bones conveys such a poetical yet sinister tone. Your use of beautiful objects such as the sun to show the bad, like "the skin that hangs in folds".
You've used incredible vocabulary with a natural flair to create an awesome poem which is simultaneously beautiful and heartbreaking. You approach the sensitive subject of self-esteem and doubt about the way we see ourselves in an incredible way, and your piece has blown me away. Fabulous work, you should be very proud of this

I'm wordless, this is a stunning ode to the book Wintergirls, since I've read it. I love this poem so much more. I have no nitpicks that hasn't already been said. This is ...just. WOW.

Hello SparkToFlame,

Magenta here to review your poem that you wrote. I must say first of all, that this was very well-written. Though I have some suggestions for you...

I like the way you started each line with "I dreamt". It added to the poem. You started the first three stanzas that way, and then the fourth, I believe that you meant to do it again.

"i dream that my blood was rivers that swam in, polluting it with your lies.
and it was holding on with fists to the skin that hangs in folds
of fat i can't get rid of."

I would start first by capitalizing your pronouns like "I" or at least the first letter of a sentence. Then it can be grammatically correct. Sometimes it can distract the reader and take away from the beauty of the poetry. I would then change "dream" to "dreamt" so that it follows the pattern unless you did that deliberately. The sentence itself, however, doesn't make sense. You wrote that you would "dream that your blood was rivers that swam in, polluting it with your lies". What exactly is your blood swimming in and what is it polluting. Even then, I am still a little confused. I would suggest changing that.

"I'm not beautiful, hush."

Again, I am still confused about the "hush" part. Are you speaking to someone? I don't think you really need that part in there.

By the way, I don't think you need the rating for violence. But I suppose that it is fine the way to is. But I like how you wrote, "playing the piano on my ribs". It was a good way to describe how here ivory bones were like the keys of the piano, thin and jutting out.

Good job and continue writing. These were just s few things that I noticed. I hope to see more of your writing!

- Magenta

Sparks, this is a gorgeous poem <333

Hello!

I also read the book ,,wintergirls'' and I have to say, you work could just be put in front of the book...
You managed to hit the right tone and covered the theme of self hatred, which is quite delusional and self-harm pretty well.
I really like the image you creathed with:
,, i dreamt last night you were playing the piano on my ribs,
your fingers tickling the ivory bones threatening
to through the skin.''
The rib carriage as an instrument is quite a morbid,yet beautiful metaphor. That girl (I assume) can only hear music, which I think equals happiness and being content, when she is so skinny, her bones protude and I think that describes anorexia perfectly.
Also you covered the resulting isolation with another brilliant line ,,my cave that no one looks in.'' when speaking of her heart. I can feel how uneloveable she feels, getting deeper and deeper into anorexia in search of perfection..
I also love,love,love how you personalized the mirror ,,because if the mirror's eyes are broken, what does that mean for mine?'' It paints a picture in my mind of her standing in front of her,talking to it as if it were human, feeling judged by its eyes just like gods (reminded me of the great gatsby)
And finally you managed to connect the ending to the beginning and thus give the poem a nice form!

All in all super good work.
I think it's great that you rated your work appropriately.
As your work is so detailed and realistic I just want to pint out, if you ever need to talk to someone you can hit me up anytime or call various hotlines you can find here http://overcomeyoured.tripod.com/id16.html


-sophiewrites