there are tongues that taste like dust clamped between my teeth
and they speak in bloody words that dig holes in my skin and cut corners
when i'm running
so i fall and bruise my shins
i dried my lips out chasing you around and covering you in velvet
so you could scoop out my insides and fill my bones with oil
that smoothed your skin across bed sheets
i came to terms with everything you wrote about me in the bathroom stalls
and when the sharpie faded i retraced the lines of red and black and blue
to make sure they stayed there forever
my eyes are full of bullet holes and i swallowed each bullet every time
it raced down and settled in my toes so every step is a lead weight
and i can't take anymore, so the vultures are circling to take a bite
when they get close they fly away
i think they can hear all my words spilling out in my head
and flying around the light you hung in my chasms
flies drawn to hate and desire
i smell dirt under my nails no matter how many times i wash myself of you
so i think i need to find someone else to fill my holes with concrete
so my demons don't escape
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hello!
This had a very... creepy and insane tone to it. It sent shivers down my spine.
Every line was very descriptive. I like how you tied the holes from the first stanza into the last. You had all these words that hurt. Blood, bruise, bullets, dry, bones, skin, "scoop out my insides," lead, vultures, chasms, dirt, holes, concrete, demons. They all add a lot to the image. You painted this painting of such a dirty, violent world, with all these actions of violence. "For what purpose did this all happen?" wails the reader. It's all very sad, and there's not a lot of backstory as to why.
But it was so vivid, there was no reason there should be a backstory or anything. This sort of confusion fits very well with the tone of your poem.
I'm sorry I keep getting distracted by visualizing these images. I'm sorry if I don't make sense.
One part that I thought was a bit forgettable was the fifth stanza. It seemed to me that all the other stanzas had cut-and-dried images, but I'm having a hard time imagining the fifth stanza. The last line of that stanza especially seemed out of place, probably because I read "flies" as a verb, not a noun.
I would also like to agree with what Monsters said.
Otherwise, I very much enjoyed reading this!
Great job, keep writing!
Sorry for the rambling review.
~fortis
Hey sparky, it's monsters.
So I was reading this and I find myself cutting words and phrases just to get to the meat of the whole poem. The problem isn't just the long lines. It wouldn't be so bad if the lines were longer because they are jam packed with content and literary devices. The lines are long because they are wordy. You can say the same thing with better diction, more structure, and less words.
Let alone the fact that you suggest you have multiple tongues: it could be said better, it is awfully long and it does not give the reader enough time to breath. if you think about the phrase it is actually saying "I taste my tongues and my tongues taste like dust." The attention to details makes it sloppy.
I don't know if anyone knows what you are talking about when you say 'cut corners.' What are you cutting corners too? What constituted a bloody word? What is a bloody word?
It's sloppy to say the least, try cleaning it up a bit and cutting the weak phrases out and taking the strong imagery you have and remake the poem. Just salvage and repeat 'til it seems right. Right now, it seems rushed and sloppy.
thanks!
I'll def clean it up.
'there are tongues that taste like dust clamped between my teeth' who says the tongues are your own, that's just one interpretation, I don't think it needs changing. I read it to be other peoples tongues, metaphorically, that feeling you get when you feel like you've had enough of every one 'getting' at you all day, having a say about everything you do; leaving you with the sour words of others 'clamped' inside you. This poem is ultimately a love poem although in a strange way, it could be read as kisses that aren't kind, I think you should keep it, it's much more vivid the imagery of many tongues than just one. The fact the reader doesn't have time to breath even reflects the feel of a dry mouth, 'dust' i like it anyway
okay wood, but interpretation is leaning on multiple what-if's when it should be clear cut because sparky is talking about what is going on in the story. This is an interesting interpretation but it%u2019s escaping many readers: I%u2019m asking him to clarify. I love arguments but it seems like that%u2019s reaching bud. Anyways it would be better if you wrote sparky a review instead of disagreeing with reviews.
uhhhh....poetry. pretty cool though.
I'll review later if you'd like me to :3
of course I would <3