well here we are again,
me stitching stars into your spine even though you scream
and you beg with blue lips and blood stained teeth
stop, you're hurting me, ow.
[you can scream, you see, till you're blue in the face.]
there's poetry written inside your ribs, and i read it
when i can't sleep, and you tell me that you wrote those lullabies for me.
your voice sings to me with honey, but your kisses are sandpaper and i whisper
don't make me, i don't want to leave, please.
[there's a million ways to say stay and go, and i always pick the wrong one.]
the heat between your thighs cooled a long time ago
but i still kiss as hard as i can to see if i can make fire lick your skin
and burn away everything you've ever seen that made you cry.
listen to me darling, it'll make you feel better, i promise.
[hold my hand and follow me, i promise i'll fix your every misery.]
i can't stop looking at your eyelashes when you sleep
i swing from them when the lion's roar is keeping me awake and the colosseum is calling me
to battle again, and i'm pretty sure i won't survive the fight.
don't wake up, darling, i'm keeping the monsters at bay for you.
[all the wars are fought in my head, i guess, cause when you wake up, the blood and guts are gone.]
so here we are again, the end of every litany i write for you
comes too soon, or not soon enough.
i pray to your visage painted on the inside of my eyelids every time i sleep
but every day when i wake up, i remember there's no god, because you might be dead.
don't die, sweetheart, i don't know what i'd do if the ghost of you haunted my daylight.
[i hold my guts inside me, because if i spill them i'm afraid you might take that last step out the door.]
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
<3 I hate you because you leave me with limited things to say.
You are just as addicted to the colloquial tone of second person as I am. There are points I could debate on this subject, but in general my philosophy is that poetry is at its strongest when colloquial and without pretense, so I will leave this be for that reason. The opening line, though, feels like it was how you personally broke into your writing method--sort of how I sometimes break into my method by prefacing everything with "I'm going to pretend I know what I'm doing" or give something of note to the you in the poem that there is enclosed material that is very personal and for their eyes only.
My major critique of this piece is that stanzas three and four meander out of the ideation of the remainder of the piece. Despite this you deliver one of my favorite lines:
So not all is lost. But no. The stanza about healing sex doesn't work with the rest, and the stanza with the lions is very clunky and hard to get around. If you want them to work, I suggest a rethink of how you approach them. They do contain salvage. I just don't particularly know off the cusp how to bring it out without fire.
You continue to have your flow interruptions and hiccups in the vein of your typical suspects:
and so on. It's just a matter of knowing where the line between prosaic poetry and prosaic dialogue lies, and I think sometimes you get wrapped up so tightly in your method that you ignore the trace of the line.
As always,
Ty
<3 thanks darling <333
So I couldn't tell if this was just a regular poem, or if these are lyrics to song.
Well, either way, I'm very impressed.
I actually just broke up with my boyfriend today, so reading something like this really does speak to me, because I'm kinda having the same emotions as the person in this story, though maybe not as gory (gore makes me vomit). That is a great sign. The fact that I am able to relate to your poem gives it a deeper meaning of being emotional and understanding of human thought.
No human wants to be alone, even if the one leaving you isn't . . . actually leaving you - yeah I'm getting off topic.
Basically, I relate, that's great.
One literal TINY nitpick:
Why is there a double space between lines four and five? Seriously, this is my only legit issue with this. It makes it just look a bit weird when you first come across it. I don't know if you did this on purpose, or if your computer just decided that it wanted to be random, but I do suggest fixing the hiccups in spacing.
Alright, that's basically it.
You have great vocabulary, your flow is wonderful, you description is stunning, and all in all, I'm glad I found this.
Merry Christmas!
~Maddie
for some reason the spacing isn't working on those lines no matter how many times I try to respace it.
Ah, well, that happens to us all XD
I just figured out how to fix it, thank god! It was really bothering me too xD I'm sorry about your break up, darling. <3
Thanks, it was kinda sudden, and today was also our 13 month. . . it really is an unlucky number
Wow. Intense. Your skills are pretty righteous.
Petty nit-picking things;
I think quotation marks are needed in the first stanza,
'Stop, you're hurting me, ow'
Maybe a period after 'blood stained teeth'? I think it would be more satisfying rhythmically (but your style is your style).
In the next stanza I think the repetition of 'and' is a bit clumsy. Maybe you could try
'...inside your ribs, I read it....' OR 'inside your ribs that (or which?) I read'
Again I think the last line needs quotation marks like the first stanza.
You're missing a punctuation mark after 'I can't stop looking at your eyelashes when you sleep'
It could be a comma or a period.
The use of 'cause' seems out of place. I think because would be much better. But again, your style is your style.
Potentially a typo, but did you mean 'on the inside of my eyelids'?
The important thing here is that this poem is beautiful. It's very evocative, I felt a real connection and I actually developed an image of this person, a desperate person.
You are so good, and so talented.
Do you want to swap lives? Please? Or just brains. Whatever suits you. I want to write poetry like this.
Love it.