Young Writers Society

... Mind if I review this? >_>

I'm not sure I can offer a whole lot of criticism xD magpie hit it on the head. But let's try.

high into the treetops
high on the tree tops.

Are treetops and tree tops two different things? I don't think they are, so I suggest you make that second "tree tops" into one word so it matches the above and makes this prettier. Also, I like the somewhat repetition here. <3

you held out your hand and waited for me to jump

I feel like this can be formed in a better way? The way it's stated makes it sound like she's going to jump into his hand, and since they have a chasm between them, it wouldn't make sense for him to hold out his hand anyways. Maybe he motions or beckons or something?

that i would see you as i dream of you.

The way this is formed is bad. I assume you meant that the narrator wants to see him in a dark cloak, as you state in the next line, but the way this is formed, it sounds like you're trying to say "I want to see you in a dream that I'm dreaming of you" which is pretty much self-explanatory. I suggest revising this and making that connection more clear.

with a dark cloak pulled up over your head
hiding your halo.

Instead of "hiding" how about you try "to hide your halo"? I think it would sound better.

filled with too much gasoline.

What was filled with too much gasoline?

hot to touch

Would be better if it read "hot to the touch."

i would have followed you into hell, i screamed

Change the comma to a semicolon.



OOooOOh that ending. Ugh. That was perfect.

Okay, so boo. This was really good! That's literally all my nitpicks. You've got some extremely strong imagery going here; lots of pretty details. I could clearly envision the pedestals falling and burning and the pain between the narrator and this boy. All of this was just so beautiful and strong and really really amazing.

There's nothing else to say. I really did love that ending, oh my goodness, it was great. This was overall amazing, Pey. The flow and emotion and intricate word choices and imagery and it just came together so perfectly. I loved it beyond words.

Hi there, Sparkie!

This is certainly an interesting poem filled with nice images. I do have a few suggestions that would make this better.

you hung the moon too low
so it brushes my head when i rise

I suggest you use a semi-colon instead of a "so" there because starting a line with a conjunction so soon after the beginning of the poem is a rather bold move, and it sounds strange here.

your fingers scribbled words onto my palm
i did not understand.

Instead of not understanding, why don't you say "In a foreign language" or something similar? It would create more of a disconnect that is the fault of both participants instead of the fault of the one deciphering the message.

the red lines mean nothing to me.

This line is a bit redundant and only gives the reader one new piece of information: that the writing is red. If you incorporate that earlier, you can take out this line, which should be, as it is otherwise redundant. I might incorporate it like this: "you scribbled red words onto my palm" or "your fingers scribbled red onto my palm"

but the space between us grew into a beast
that wasn't fair and wasn't happy
to see us.

I like that you make the space into something living, and I like the double meaning in fair. Fair as in the beast was not being equal to all, and fair as in the beast was not pretty.

There is a disconnect between the first and the second stanza. You create a nighttime world in the first, moons brushing heads, and in the second, you've transported us suddenly back into the real world, a college party or a bar, the bartender saying that vodka is better (at least in the first few lines). Try to incorporate the world you created into the bartender speech.

pedestals are scary when they topple

The word "scary" rubs me the wrong way here. I might try to find a different word, or rewrite this line altogether.

The third to last stanza is fairly weak. It's not really needed at all in the poem-- I'd take it out. I'm not saying it's bad, just not needed and a little cliche.

didn't believe what i was seeing

I'd find a different way of saying this. It's a bit too long, and brings the poem dangerously close to the world of prose.

pretty seats

Don't tell us that they're pretty. What do they look like? Are they stone pillars made of rose quarts? Are they mountains with gilded thrones on top? Are they stained glass barstools? You don't have to describe them here, but slip in descriptions through the poem. I want to feel the splendor breaking.

and i'm so so sorry it took you falling
for me to learn how to hang our moon.

I don't really understand these last two lines. The narrator shouldn't have to apologize since the other hung the moon. Perhaps rephrase so your meaning is a little clearer.

I quite enjoyed this poem. I hope that this review proves helpful to you. Happy poeting!