A brisk wind blows across a plain
of pitted concrete cracked and stained
with pen ink and broken dreams
and whispers of forgotten things.
I know as I wait in the open, the door
of the school I've been in, a thousand times before
that my goosebumps are fueled by the hush
of silence, foreign to the morning rush.
There must be something wrong today
It's the moment of silence, but students have stayed
with their hands clasped in grim petition
to any god they think will listen.
My eyes slide across the room
surely one of their heads will soon
lift so I can ask what grief has caused
an entire high school day to pause.
But no answer comes and no head sways
and I know this must be a tragic day
so I clasp my hands tightly together
bow my head and think about the weather.
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140,995 Literary Works • 673,802 Reviews
Could you specify what grammatical mistakes please?
Thanks,
and thank you everyone else for your reviews also!
I really loved this poem. It has some gramatical mistakes, but otherise i really liked it. Keep up the good work.
i kinda like the "whispers of forgotten things" , nostalgia is that what it is.
I was guessing of what the poem was truly about, school scenario with moment of silence. I can't guess. Anyway nice mixed of words.. just have to use coma or separators like in this part
Keep writing..
This was really good, it flowed really well and the ryming was really good. I didn't notice anything about the ryming that was forced or bad which is really good because I always struggle with it so when I find a piece that doesn't I take notice! The only comment I have is the punctuation, because if you when through and added some more comma's or periods the piece would flow even more then. Thank you for posting! I really liked this and made me think about my high school....
Peace,
Snickerdooly
KatTrain,
This poem was pretty good. The rhythm was great, and your wording was beautiful. The only thing that I think that you could add to improve upon it would be some punctuation, the sentances at the end of each stanza just quite doesn't do it.The form was awesome, and I hope to see more of your work soon, keep writing!
Wow. This was awesome! Great job! You have a follower haha. Keep it up! Just wondering, what was the tragedy you were referring too?