Wait, before you go
turning my front steps into a year
(or you merge into another atmosphere)
tell me why your hands are shaking
and I'll explain my stutter.
It's only fair, right?
We trade an eye for an eye,
a few hours for a night.
That's how I get along, anyways
by tying my shoes in all the wrong places.
But you are the perfect knot,
unraveling out my door, and
treading those steps like so many before.
Casually, as if this isn't some renegade ending
with no plot line worth the trouble of mending.
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139,441 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Wow that was amazing!! I loved the line about tying your shoes in all the wrong places. I have never seen such an amzing poet that can make anything work. Keep it up!
hey KatTrain... This is a brilliant poem!!! I just Loved it...!!!:) The flow was so smooth and deapth of it took me by surprise and delight... Keep writing!!!:)
Hi there,
I am not a poet, merely a writer. However, you didn't need a poet to tell you that your poem was quite outstanding. I loved a flow of it, and how it didn't really make sense to a passer by. You kind of had to really read the poem to discover a true meaning.
Sorry it's such a short review, I'm trying to get round to as many poems as possible!
Love, Hayley. xx
What's all this rage? Hm. Hope you don't mind if I do Kat.
Hah! Splendid, you've got the idea finely tuned. The third line is superfluous though. You haven't established your premise enough, or provided vivid imagery to suddenly make this metaphysical allusion (and the *cough*forced*cough rhyme). This is a pet-peeve of mine by the way, but in modern poetry, I don't quite get why we still use words as concepts...your last two lines use "shaking/...stutter" as the crux of emotional action. Do more. Or play with the basis. This a short poem, but give me a small strawberry short cake to sink my teeth into, not just a pop-tart. Also, your first line, I feel you're going for drama (I never EVER DO THIS, but one time I'll advise a change in writing), so why only a comma after "wait"? Use a dash, emphasize the element. Read the difference aloud. It's very real.
Bold, you used a question, and with real voice. Hm. Line 2 & 3 here....you're being too vague. This is a short poem, and you should as specifically vague as possible. These lines only highlight how more should be present, not an allusion which opens possibilities. Also, the lack of rhyme in all lines is ok here, since you have spectacular verbal/word ability. Hm, so the feeling in the last two lines is bad decisions (one night stands?), a speaker accepting they bad decisions, and not wanting to let them go. WELL, that still doesn't make line 2 & 3 better. I get it by concept, but in execution, I wish "eye for an eye" made more sense (that is, the poem wasn't so short). That phrase typically requires losing and giving something substantial; this is a request for some person to stay with the speaker, and it seems highly over-dramatic that an eye for eye is the decision.
Well, a dichotomy, someone used to failure is now professing something failing is perfect, but is gone anywho. And you repeat the door setting. Don't do that. You need to develop the metaphor more, and not be constricted by the poem's length. The final two lines don't flow like you want them to either. I don't like that so many people use normal grammar rules in poetry. There are no rules for this, and there is no reason to write like a sentence. The flow is as if the two are separate ideas, this subdivides rhythm and hurts theme continuity, though it should still be obvious. See as it is and read it "But you are the perfect knot,/ unraveling out my door, and/ treading those steps like so many before./ Casually, as if this isn't some renegade ending/ with no plot line worth the trouble of mending./" the jump from before to casually is disturbed by the period. You WANT these two to be the same idea, but it becomes a musing of itself that brings in the idea of plot lines and mending broken relationships.
NOW, I want to say something quickly. This was a fantastic stage for a poem. The very nature of such a short work requires exquisite control to detail and ability to conceptualize with control. This is also very easy for people to relate to. But, to make my critiques clear, I think you hold yourself back with some of the choices. There are pauses which make the flow awkward (or aren't as good as it could be) and concepts which either aren't really explored or seem to be too brief to see how they fit into the entire work. Of course, perhaps you intend the speaker to be illogical and immature. I can't tell, is my point. It can be read as a serious speaker, or not; the choice to make that ambiguous I feel is a loaded gun for you, so do as you will. Just be wary that elements of your poem take on a life you hadn't anticipated.
Very nice job. Such a short poem still demands work, but you're off to a great start.
Wow, KatTrain, I'm really jealous of you! That was wonderful. I also love the imagery. The rhythm wasn't perfect but the line "with no plot line worth the trouble of mending", well, mended it. For this poem, it just worked. Nice job.
Hey Kat. :]
I'm trying really, really hard to find something to nitpick, so I can feel helpful as a reviewer. But there really isn't anything technical I can pick at. xD It's such a good poem. I enjoyed the imagery quite a lot, and you hint at what you're trying to convey without being blunt. I guess that might be my lone criticism, and it's mostly a matter of personal preference. I know it's really artistic to be vague and whatnot, but leaving your reader with next to no idea what is going on isn't always the best thing. (Or maybe I'm just being slow.) But yeah, overall, a lovely poem!
Sporks
I too quite enjoyed this poem of yours. You obviously have talent in your writing. I loved your ending, it sounds so real and poignant. It's saying so little and so much at the same time!
Favourite line!Great work. Keep writing
-Amie
Wow this is such a beautiful poem. You deserve a round of applause, a pat on the back, etc
. purely ingenious and gripping and amazing. I love how it is simple but is such a work of art, the words aren't too complex yet it just touches something within me. And Rob is right. The last line 'with no plot line worth the trouble of mending.' is the most beautiful line ever written. Bravo! And definitely keep on writing!!
xxx Upile xxx
Hey there, KatTrain. I'm here it review.
First off, Kat. This is a such a bittersweet and sad poem. But I love it. The flow and rythym aren't perfect, but I've never liked perfection anyways, so it works well. ^^ For me, anyhow. And the imagery is brilliantly beautiful. And I like it. You've written a brilliant little poem, Kat.
Now, nitpicks. Sadly, none. I like it just the way it is and I've seen nothing that can be tinkered with. Overall, Kat, it's a brilliantly beautiful, bittersweet and sad poem and I love it. Adore it, even. *clicks like* Thank you for the beautiful and bitterseet poetry, Kat. I truly do adore it. ^^ Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar. ^^
Hy!
First, I just want to congratulate you on a very, VERY good poem.
It is perfect in every way. The flow is good, the emotions are really well contured and the reader can really live the things that come out of the poem.
I think that is the best line in the poem. Really dramatic and breathtaking.
Write more. Please!
Helloooo Kat,
Girl, you have mad skills. That was simply brilliant. I didn't want it end. Your play on words is clever and fresh and your rhyme scheme brings a smile to my face. It flows. It's not forced or contrived. The emotions and the theme of your poem were clear, but not surface level. I have no complaints.
Overall, it was an absolute pleasure to read. I just wish it was longer!
Write On,
Lette
Hey Kat,
You might just be my favorite poet on YWS. No joke.
I really don't have any criticizm for you, this is just brilliant. I mean, only a protegy is a fifteen year old who thinks of "tying my shoes in all the wrong places".
All I can say is keep up the good work!
-Alex