There was a truce in your hands,
nails blue, soothing my inflamed skull
while snow drift conversations blew into my eyes.
I found myself in the winters of our youth,
face down, hands frozen to your cross.
Because I was at the punch line of society,
(though you were ardent and held my
hand until I’d reached the register)
Forget your Jesus complex,
I was fucked the moment I laid eyes
on those dark tresses and tawny skin.
You’re too stupid to realize
that I’ve been crucified!
You keep whispering,
“I love you” and
running your fingers through my hair.
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hey, I really liked this poem, I guess I will start off with that(:
You used punctuation throughout, so I would recommend a comma and the end of the second line. I really liked the descriptive words used in this stanza- "inflamed skull," "snow drift conversations."
I don't know that the parentheses are a good idea in the poem. I suggest taking them out and leaving it be.
Again with the adjectives, words like "tawny" and "tresses."
You’re too stupid to realize
that I’ve been crucified!
You keep whispering,
“I love you” and
running your fingers through my hair.
Crucified with love, awww(:
Keep writing!!!!! ~Fortiiii
This stanza caught my eye right away, and I liked how you expanded on the image of "a truce in your hands" by showing them being soothing. My only quibble with this stanza is that I'm pretty sure "snowdrift" should be one word. "Snow drift" evokes more of an action of flakes of snow drifting as they fall rather than piles of snow that have been blown by the wind. I can see "snow drift" working, but it doesn't quite feel right with how you currently have the line structured.
You have another case of one word split into two with "punch line". As animekaratepup pointed out, a punch line is a line you stand in to punch in and out of something (usually work). A punchline, on the other hand, is the point of a joke, which I think was the meaning you intended.
Even though a single space might not seem like much, it really alters the meaning and perception of your poem as poetry is so condensed, every single piece within it counts for so much more than in other writing forms. As such, taking extra pains to make sure that everything is formatted and placed properly never hurts.
Hey there Kat! Splendid day to fulfill a request! Thank your for the chance.
So, grammar. I don't got anything. It was pretty much immaculate in that part, so kudos to you.
Suggestions/Questions: I agree with anime, I was a little confuzled when I got to the "Jesus Complex" part. Now that could be my approach to religion in general acting up, but I don't know, maybe explain it? Just a suggestion.
Likes: I have a lot to say here. I loved the word choice. It was truly marvelous. Some of my favorite parts include:
It was good. Another thing I was particularly fond of, was the emotion you managed to evoke. I do think this was partially due to your use of language, but yeah. It was great, especially the way it build up. So again, kudos.
Overall: Strong, smart, interesting, great, poem. Those are just a few of the words I can use to describe your poem. Good job. Keep writing, let me know if you ever want another a review. Next time, promise to give something I actually get to correct.
-HostofHorus
Hi Kat! Here to review as requested! ^^
I'm going to apologize in advance, because there really isn't that much I can say about this - so the review may be short.
I'll start off by saying that this poem was definitely a bit different, which is very much a good thing. There were, however, a few things that I didn't like about it. Number one being that it was extremely, extremely vague in a few aspects. I got that this person, a lover, maybe? seemed like a savior at first - like you said, they seemed to have a Jesus complex. This was definitely a point of interest, because I haven't seen it done before. Not that I remember anyways - and not quite like this.
But the part about the register was a bit... sluggish. I didn't see how it quite fit with the rest of the poem.
My only real advice here would be to take what you have, and maybe expand on it a little bit more? Add a few sprinklings of something that help tie it all in together a bit more.
Other than that, I really did like this poem - the ending especially. And oh gosh, this review was probably one of the worst I've done in a long time. xD I apologize for that.
Keep writing,
~~Ish.
I think I might love this, but I'm not sure.
Hmm. This is beautifully written, though I think the language makes it partially go over my head. Just a bit.
What cross? (I do like how you carried on with the winter/snow analogy here.)
Register? What? Do you mean the register to get his ticket punched? I mean, that would go along with the "punch line of society" theme you have in this stanza.
Yeahhhhh..... I have yet to experience this myself, but I've heard it a lot.
You don't make it cliche, though-- it's more a "Daaang, I am done for" kinda thing.
And oh yeah-- Jesus complex? What? How do we know she has a Jesus complex? (I assume from the descriptions that it's a she.)
((Ohhh, waiiiit..... that' my hair, not your hair. My bad.))
(((Is it a she?)))
By their looooove? ;3
Wait. Is the speaker a girl? I'm confused now. Running fingers through the hair, when in something romantic, usually indicates that the runnee is a girl. However, I am aware that it could be a boy. (Is this based on personal experience? Just curious.)
Overall, this was really good. Your wording is beautiful, and you have a unique way of describing things that somehow manages to combine the elegant and the crude. (The use of an f-bomb, the nature of..... attraction, are often considered crude.)
And I was really looking for things to nitpick, so don't worry about it. ;3