He said "You're cold and I don't even feel bad saying that.
I told you how much I cared and you said, nothing back.
I've moved on, left you, in the past."
It makes me feel old, as I turn away from you,
heart stretching painfully, singing 'I'll do anything you want me to'
I care much more then I should, though you wouldn't think it's true.
But it is with silence, that I respond to your cut.
If you were looking for confirmation, my reply seems enough.
You turn without looking back, and walk off the bus.
...
If I'm so harsh against your skin,
why in the first place, did you ever let me in?
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
You're poem is unbelievably sad, but I liked it. What makes it so special is that you wrote it in a way in which many people can relate back to it. You did not make it so personal and still, your pain breathes through your lines. Amazing work. If you ever want me to review anything specific, just pm me that.
This seemed like it was taken out of story, not poetry.
Maybe you should try writing a story instead =)
Hey Kat, I definitely agree with ellinor, this is all jumbled. You need to give it some substance, some description, some life!
Instead of pointing out everything, I will just give you some points to run through when writing poetry.
. Always read your poems through as you go (don't be afraid to say them out loud, people won't think you're crazy), this will do many things. Firstly you'll be able to see how they sound/flow with the current grammar you're using and secondly you should get a sense at how everyone else reads it and what they'll think of it.
. On each line consider what you want your audience to fell, whether it be sad, happy, curious..ect. I sometimes think when writing if you think of your own personal experiences of these feelings, it will help you write them and find a more ordinal way of putting them, as so many phrases are overused now and sound cliché.
.Be creative! Poetry is all about looking about things in new ways; you don't have to lay out your poem in lines, you can use any vocabulary, grammar or punctuation you choose. There are no boundaries, you can use all of these at your disposal to make a truly great poem.
With this I suggest going back to the root issue you wanted to express while writing and brainstorm all the different ideas you wanted to put into this poem, then try to rebuild it using these tips.
I hope this helps,
Izzy xx
Hey Kat.
My main issue with this poem, I think, is that there isn't much in way of poetry as far as this piece goes.You definitely have some interesting ideas, but on the other hand, there really isn't any imagery, rhythm or flow. This just feels like you wrote a story, chopped off a few words here and there and divided into stanzas.
When we're writing poetry, we talk in a very different way then we would otherwise. Although poetry certainly does not have to rhyme, it has to flow well and have a beat to it to be interesting. Let's take the first three lines of your poem:
Right now it has little. What can you do to make it more exciting? First, with poetry, you have to really condense some stuff so that it has flow. Right now, the first two lines are kind of a mouthful to say all at once. See if you can draw this initial dialogue more. Add some adjectives. When did he say this? Where? Maybe you can include some build-up to the scene. Describe why the characters are feeling the way they are. Show, don't tell.
Good luck, and shoot me a PM if you have any questions.
-Elinor x