A quick little poem prompted by a random word generator since I haven't written any poetry in a while.
To Lie:
To lie is: to believe in a false truth,
To deny things as they are, and
To deceive oneself.
To lie is: not to stand against the force
That constantly pushes what is,
But not what might be.
To lie is: to surrender all you are
To a power that you perceive
As greater than you.
To lie is: to give up what makes you you–
Your dreams, your hopes, your ambitions–
To kill your own heart.
And yet so many of us lie.
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Canary word: Present
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@Light_Devil! - I'm glad you enjoyed it. The colons were deliberately placed; I was going more for a prompt-and-response format than a list.
@Galerius - Ouch. While you bring up a number of good points, your delivery could use some work. There's honest, and then there's brutally honest; your critique is definitely part of the latter category, with emphasis on "brutal." If this was one of the first critiques I had ever received, I'd probably be a sobbing mess in a corner somewhere by now. There are far less destructive ways to point out flaws and things you dislike. Try using them, especially when critiquing new members' work; you never know if yours is their first serious critique.
That said, I do agree with you that this is a pretty empty poem. I also agree that it isn't particularly engaging. However, I disagree that this was a useless exercise; there are other aspects of poetry, such as the technical, that are important and that this exercise provided practice in.
Hi Kyllorac,
And this product is exactly the reason why writing poetry from a "random word generator" and not your own thoughts is a risky thing and can lead to failure.
Good, you looked up the definition of "lie" and threw in some pseudo-philosophical-emotional-heartstring jetsom to puff it up and make it sound poetic. Doesn't cut it.
This is boring and I am at a loss to see how it could possibly help you write poetry, even if you are, as you say, still trying to get into the habit again. You've just...all you have is a husk, a shell devoid of anything that could bring interest to the reader. Poetry isn't about telling others what is. That's what a dictionary is for, an encyclopedia, Wikipedia. Poetry is convincing people what is, and the way to do that is through the barest instincts of the human mind - that is, the crevices of sight, sound, touch, what have you. Lying can produce a visceral reaction, and even if you don't believe it can, you can still construct a world in which this is possible. Expand upon the principles that you denounce or espouse and use imagery to build the skyscraper. Can it be compared to anything in nature? Any events? How does it smell? Rancid? Sweet, the scent of poison mixed in drinks, carnivorous flowers curled up inside themselves, their beautiful sap attracting the wretched insects of the beating heart in a death trap. Something. Anything beyond the skeleton you have here.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
First off, this is sweet.
I liked it, but I have trouble trying to imagine myself lying and believing that it is true. Usually, when people lie they know they are lying and believe that they are lying - I do not think they think they are telling the truth. Unless they think it is the truth - but that brings me to a whole other point which has nothing to do with this.
I loved the last line. It sang true.
I think you accidentally put the colons in the wrong place. It makes more sense when you put the colons before the "is", or maybe just completely take out the "is" altogether.
I think it would make it looks more like a list without the "is" and that was what you were going for, weren't you? A list of what a lie is?
Anyway, I liked reading this. It was very cute. And unlike some people you know that not all poetry needs to rhyme. Very nice.
Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.