Busy as a Bee
She pranced like a tethered pony
Held just out of reach of a carrot
By the fraying hemp rope on her halter.
A little boy taunted her with the treat
As she strained and s t r a i n e d against the tether,
Her every muscle screaming,
But her teeth still closed on air.
She fluttered like the humming bird,
Flitting from flower to flower
To sip each sweet blossom's nectar.
Her wings were tireless engines,
At speeds that make the cheetah envy,
Levering up, CRASHing down,
Until they ran out of steam.
She toiled like the industrious termite
Through rock and soil and mud,
Slave to a singular will and purpose.
The hive queen gave her orders
Which she dared not disobey.
Incapable of independent thought,
She was as busy as a bee.
She's not so busy now, is she?
-=-=-=-
The first two stanzas are my favorite, though the second to last line is what inspired the rest of the poem.
[Edit] The phrase "busy as a bee" was first used to refer to housewives, and is still used often in this context. Applying this to the poem, does it change the meaning any?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Aww....this was nice sweet piece.
The only real grammar errors I noticed were already pointed out. The fluency is okay, and more stylistic devices could be used. Make use of similes and metaphors and parallelism and personfiction, they are you tools to success in poetry! Some people think choruses can only be used for songs, they are wrong. Repetition is good!
Overall, I liked it. There was a simile, but more could be added. I see a homeric simile in the making.
Bravo!
-Colt
Oh, well:
I found this very "I don't know". It's perfect to some point, it's awful in other. Don't worry, it's great all-in-all. Your only bigger mistake was punctuation(Again, again and again. People! Put the punctuation!).
Next, the last verse is not making any good to all of this. I suggest you just delete it. The underlined words are suspicious: It's nice when on screen, but by making that decoration, you consider the reader as a dummy. Come on, really, who wouldn't notice "levering UP and crashing DOWN?"
On the other side, I was amused when I saw how smart-word are you. You really have a gallery of right words and you have the sense for putting them in the right place. Bravo!
[spoiler]7/10[/spoiler]