Ever since Event #5, I've been itching to write a terzanelle. So I did, and here it is.
The Last Days of Winter
It is late in the season as I sit ‘neath a tree
watching the clouds scud silver ‘crost sky—
I see the sun, but it sees not me.
Loud, “Winter is fallen!” do the heralds of Spring cry
as I listen and lean ‘pon a life,
watching the clouds scud silver ‘crost sky.
Songbird, he brings forth with prideful display his sweet fife
to accompanying festivities
as I listen and lean ‘pon a life.
All other creatures give greetings and felicities
to all others as they awaken
to accompanying festivities,
And though the roots of Spring have yet not fully taken,
Nature makes efforts to send greetings
to all others as they awaken.
The clouds in the sky see many partings and meetings—
it is late in the season as I sit ‘neath a tree.
Nature makes efforts to send greetings—
I see the sun, but it sees not me.
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140,812 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
this sucks crap. you have no flow or potantial of writing.
Pretty good.
Terzanelles have a nice internal metrical sound to them, don't they? I probably won't write one, just because I tend to shy away from rhyming, or structurally constrictive poetry. But it's interesting to see such a poem be written crisply, as it has been done here.
I like your use of the word "scud" in S1L2, and I like the first line of the following stanza as well. However, I did not care for this line: "as I listen and lean ‘pon a life." I understand the necessity of your apostrophe-shortened words -- they preserve the rhythm and meter. However, I think that this one just reads goofy. "'neath", "'crost", "'pon". Really? "'pon"? It's just a little too much for me. Considering shortening your syllables else where.
I didn't really care for your word choice, for the most part. It was fairly run of the mill. The roots of spring, a prideful sweet songbird, the Disney-esque frolicking of the felicitous creatures. It was all a little bland, but I understand that it's difficult sometimes to execute a good rhyming poem, especially when it comes to word choice, and being unique. I know this was an experiment, but I haven't read anything else of yours, so I don't know if your MO is rhyming poetry or not. If it is, read up on some TS Eliot. He might inspire you to make rhyming and meter less of the focus of the poem, as a garment that it should wear lightly, like a summer dress.
Best of luck,
-Kylan
Good i like your love for nature. I don't know what to say but i like it too much.
One line was awesome "I see the sun, but it sees not me."
It telling that the sun is under the shadow of clouds and it not showing bright light.
Don't like my review Pm i would like to listen my Mistake.
Thank you
Suraj