"Once upon a time..." A phrase I am certain you have heard countless times. A phrase so often used to begin a tale. A phrase I absolutely detest.
Why, you ask? Ha! The answer to that is quite simple.
Once upon a time, I had a family.
Once upon a time, I was loved.
Once upon a time, I was happy.
Once upon a time, but no longer.
"Once upon a time" means it was some time ago in the past, but not that it is any longer. It means that all the wonderful things that follow used to be, but are not now. It means those things we wish would stay with us forever have slipped through our desperately grasping fingers and are never, ever coming back. It means that our hopes, our dreams, our brightly shining futures, have shriveled up and slowly died, just like my mother and sister. Just like Karyne.
Once upon a time, I had a future.
Once upon a time, I laughed for joy instead of scorn.
Once upon a time, I knew there was more to life than status.
And once upon a time, I had a life worth living.
But dwelling on the past benefits no one. And that is why I loathe the phrase "once upon a time."
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I've put this here because the character is part of a fantasy story. He's a real bitter one, isn't he.
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140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is certainly quite the start here. It seems we've just got a bit of an introduction going on here to this one character in particular and well it seems like we're dealing with someone who has quite a lot of baggage there. Definitely not someone that has had life go easy on them. You can certainly detect quite a lot of bitterness coming through there and I think you do a generally pretty solid job of really bringing that across to us. Its a nice mixture of this person just accepting this horrible hand dealt to them and showcasing their sadness through these somewhat rude sounding statements.
Well, that caps that off quite fittingly I would say. It definitely nails home the bitterness aspect and sort of showcases perfectly just how this character has decided to see life as a result of their past. Its certainly an interesting piece here at any rate, its not too often we see something of a monologue of sorts from the one character go on for quite this long, but its certainly been quite something here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I understand why he detests the phrase so, but because of his animosity towards it and the past makes me want to find out more. I want to read more., and that's a good thing. It means you succeeded in pulling the reader in and catching their attention. Well done.
Wow, this really makes me want to read the entire story with this character in it! Your writing is nice to read and I can 'hear' the speaker's voice in my head. It makes me, like other readers, want to know what happened to him, poor guy. Oddly poetic. Very nice job, I must say!
Oooh, nice. I love how you've centred it around "Once upon a time" Leaves us wondering what has happened to the character to make them so bitter and why they're not all those thing's you've listed.
I like the list, it think it makes it flow a bit better. Although, the last few "Once upon a time"s tend to feel a little too self-pitying.
But i like it! Short and sweet (or should i say bitter?)
~ EmmaJane ~
Yo, my latest YWS buddy!
This is quite an interesting and unique peice of writing. You said it was just a character development excercise, but I think it's such a good way of showing his/her character that you should somehow integrate it into your planned fantasy story. Perhaps you could put it at the very beggining, how some books (especially fantasy) have a poem or meaningful passage before the actual story. It really does captivate. It also flows perfectly.
I don't know if there's much I can do to help apart from the above suggestion. I can't see anything that needs improving.
Anyway, I look forward to seeing the story when you write it.
Bye for now.
Hi! Kara here.
Anyway, this is nice and simple. I liked it.
Is this a teaser or something? I want to read more.
Thanks for the reviews. I've fixed the underline/italics bit. When I previewed the post, the italics didn't seem very noticeable, so I changed it to underline. Big mistake, apparently. XD
This is not intended to be a prologue (though it does make a good one...). It is a characterization piece to help me figure out what makes this guy tick and such. I'm glad you all find him interesting; he's a very different character for me to write considering that we're pretty much polar opposites personality-wise. He's bitter and vindictive, jaded and cynical. I can't hold a grudge to save my life, I'm extremely optimistic, and I usually see the best of everything. XD
I don't think it works well after all of the "once upon a time"s (feels too much like ellipsis abuse to me), though it works nicely after the first one. Thanks for the suggestion.
Truth be told, I don't like it either. I did have it phrased better, but little sister intruded upon my writing zen like a pack of stampeding, trumpeting elephants, and I completely forgot how I had planned to write it.
Anyway, on to more important matters:
Italicize don't Underline. Take the other reviewers' Never underline unless you're writing by hand. Nonetheless, some of the things you emphasized are very well placed.
This is a really good line, to my mind, anyway.
Overall, for an introduction, this is nice. It makes the reader wonder why the narrator is so bitter and just how is life went down hill. All you have to do now is follow through and tell an engaging story--well!
I didn't find any grammer or spelling mistakes.
The underlined words should be in italics. When they are underlined, it is too hard to read the story because you want to just look at the underlined words.
I especially liked how you repeated many of the sentences. It made the story more interesting. Overall, it was a good story.
This is pretty good, is this supposed to be a Prologue? Because that's what it seems to be.
I don't have much to say about grammar or spelling, but I think maybe a '...' instead of a comma would be better after the 'Once Upon a Time''s.
I agree he is bitter, but that's what makes me want to read more! I want to find out why he's bitter or if he will ever not be bitter.
Last thing, don't underline those phrases - this might be my own little pet peeve, I really don't like underlined things... unless it's handwritten - if anything just italicize them. Not only does it look cleaner, but it sounds more bitter then when you underline or bold something it sounds more like yelling & it doesn't seem like he's yelling, just ranting.
Anyways, if you post anymore about this character please PM me!
Happy Writing,
Stevie