The first part was nice because it told us about your character. The second part was good because it gave us an idea of the time period and/or the possible location.skimpy sun dresses...tie-dyed tees
Liked the inclusion of the last part to give us some description of the character.Danny asked as he fiddled with his straw.
Glad to see you remove a speech tag on this quote.Danny looked pensive.
This sentence was one of your more finer ones of taking advantage of the first person language.His gaze was intense, and so I looked away and focused on the drink in front of me.
Here are some correction/suggestions:
It was the last day of summer, balmy and bright, and Danny and I were drinking root beer floats outside our favorite soda fountain.
This is a very long first sentence. Also, 'balmy and bright' seem redundant. On this note, you have a lot of run on sentences. Try to spice it up with short ones here and there.
Women passed by in skimpy sun dresses...appreciate my half frozen root beer float...
When you have more than one adjective, you need to employ either a comma or a hyphen.
You could shorten this by removing 'asked as he'.Danny asked as he fiddled with his straw.
This comma should be a colon.Old man Bartholomew watched birds from his usual spot, a tiny window in the brownstone facade of the apartment next door.
On a similar note to the last quote. It's better not to add the speech tags like 'asked' or 'said' when you're including the speakers action. Just use the later in accordance with the speaker. When can figure it out. Trust your readers. ^_^ Also, while on this section, I feel you can combine this sentence with the one following it. They both have good point, but as is seem redundant.I said, glancing up from my float inspection.
The quote says what the second part of the sentence has to say. Again, more redundancies.All I could think of was the root beer float with its syrupy sweet goodness. "Enjoying my root beer float."
I wish you could've transitioned into the description of the scenery with a different tactic than this.....I went back to sipping my float while admiring the scenery.
Nice way of showing the lack of concern for the previous conversation and Terri getting absorbed in thoughts. But you could've done this without informing us 'just as I was contemplating'. You could just say 'I wonder where...'Just as I was contemplating where I could find a shirt of the same color...
You were doing well at describing the float before. 'Very good' sound bland to me. :[It was a very good root beer float...
Lastly, you're writing in first person and yet you chose to write this as prose. This is technically a style choice, but it's more attractive to a reader if you can employ you character's voice in the writing more. Technically this can still apply this rule to third person and prose, but in first person it reads much more emptily without the tactic. You're literally writing the story from you character's perspective, so it would make more since that they would be speaking so formally in their story telling. But, again, style choice.
Anyways, gonna leave it at this. Hoped this helped, and Happy Review Day~~~!
Points: 12486
Reviews: 111
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