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140,149 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hmm. Interesting. I've never seen a complete turnaround a fairy tale before. Usually all you see are the true love forever and ever, perfect life, that kind of happily ever after. But it's not always like that. So, I think you did a really good job with this! Even though it was broken up into stanzas, I still felt like it was kind of done in a free verse setting.
I think that this nicely sums up the whole thing. Good job!
My favorite part is the last line. It kind if suns it all up and ends it really well. I think this poem is great! It shows that you're not always going to have a fairytail ending, so it's really real! Great job and keep writing!
Hi, Justa!
I enjoyed this poem. The theme is a bit overdone, but it's a common experience that a lot of people undergo in some way at some point or another, so it's okay. You have good word choice, flow, and imagery, and it is composed well as a whole. But it doesn't stand out; there really isn't anything to make this memorable.
Try to go into a little more detail -- if you're going to use the fairy tale metaphor, I would try to do more with it. Instead of starting with the metaphor and going to how things really are, I would try to use them simultaneously. I don't know if you listen to Taylor Swift or even like her, but she has a really good song called White Horse that demonstrates this well. So maybe the girl meets the guy and is thinking back to her princess fantasies when she was younger, and keeps thinking to how she is like and unlike a princess.
I would also try to think of the more story-like aspects of this; really try to make the couple into distinct characters instead of just having a blank sheet that we may or not be able to plaster ourselves on to. It'll make for a lot more emotion if these things are happening to people with personalities and hopes and dreams as opposed to shadows that really could be anyone.
You could also try to develop your images a little bit more. As they stand right now, they're good, but you could expand. For instance, you say he drinks and takes drugs. How does he look? How does he smell? What does he exactly do when he interacts with the girlfriend, before he starts beating her? I would comb through the poem and look for things you could go into more detail with, because there is a lot.
As a whole, this wasn't bad, but it has the potential to be so much better. I hope this helps you with your revisions! Feel free to give me a shout if you have any questions.
~ Elinor
It's well witten enough with a decent flow and solid structure, but just a tired theme. If one takes on suh a theme it must be told through a unique an haunting or fresh perspective. Let us feel what the guy does, not just describing it. He drinks an abuses like 1000s of other jerks, why should I care? From a literary standpoint I mug connect. Give me a personal, raw, connection. Be detailed, tiny details make a piece like this, the way you express the pain in your own way.
It's a solid piece, don't get me wrong, but I wanted to remember it after i was done.
Mmm, I really like the theme and your use of a conceit (an extended metaphor in poetry, just so I don't confuse anyone). Setting a hopeful relationship in fairytale-land where dreams come true--and watching the hopes crash and burn--puts a nice, original spin on an oft-written topic. Also, I think that you have a perfect balance of tragedy and detachment for a second person poem. The last line is a flawless ending for your purposes. Overall, fantastic job. =)
The flow could improve a little bit. The worst culprit for the disruption of flow is the second stanza. There's something missing (perhaps a syllable or two in the third line of the second stanza). I also think that adding a line to this stanza could balance things out a bit. As you're writing (if you don't already do this), read the poem out loud after each draft. That can reveal weaknesses in rhythm and flow. (Plus, poetry just begs to be read out loud!)
That said, I really enjoyed it. Great job and keep writing--I think you have talent. =)
Spiderman here.
Wow, an unhappily ever after. The whole theme of this poem was pretty amazing.
You might want to add a comma after cheats.
But it never will. No happy ending
Hey. I am now feeling all warm and fuzzy inside! Not
Awesome idea. I like how the girl is naive enough to believe she's going to get her fairytale ending - because almost all girls do at some point in their life. I still do
Love,
Sar-sar
Just wondering, why is this in Lyric Poetry instead of Dramatic?
Hey. This made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside too. Not.
So, yeah. You creeped me out a little, but in a good way. The lines sometimes felt uneven, but in an even way. Does that make sense? No, of course it doesn't. Umm...I guess I'm trying to say that some people won't like it, but I did. Any who, the one little thing that did bother me about it was
because my mind scans it as foreverhappyforeverhappily, and that seemed a little repetitive.
My absolute favorite lines were
I liked it! Keep writing!
So, overall I think this was decent, but you should try to portray more emotion. I like the 'theme' of it, but it could still use some work. Also, some of the lines seemed a little forced. Maybe you could try making it flow more smoothly.
Another thing, the second line there was a spelling error. I think you meant 'fall' instead of 'gall'. I also liked the ending, though.
Anyway, good luck, and keep writing!
~Tayla
P.S. sorry about my lame review, I just don't have a lot of time right now.