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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Hey guys,
Thanks for the reviews so far. You've been great
Just found out I had to include a couple more things in this poem so there are some new lines...
All reviews are appreciated.
All Likes are loved! <3
Thanks,
Alzora
Hello! I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Thank you for not mentioning the "starving Children in Africa". That get's old, and mostly presents a false generalization.
Comments are in blue.
Spoiler
I, myself, am from/was born in Africa and, though I am not "fat", am pretty healthy. I'm tired of false cliches.
So thank you.
*Nice and flawless stanza
Cracked throat? Maybe try saying something like... " A dry throat, and cracked lips"- it flows a little better and makes more sense..
* Good, good.
etc....
Overall:
Good job overall. The only errors I see, here are in the phrasing ans way of putting things. Add or take away a few filler words to make it flow better.
Other than that, good job!
Keep Writing!
-------------------
-Jojo
Hello
Interesting topic. Social commentary can always be provocative.
The first stanza (the first four lines at least) is very good. A strong start. It has good rhythm with a strong pulse, and simple, yet effective, rhyme. After this, however, the piece begins to fall apart. The rhyme and pulse completely disappear. This in itself is not necessarily bad - while I'm not the biggest fan of free verse, I can see why it is popular. However, if you want to write free verse, write free verse. Unless you really know what you're doing, mixing prose and iambs is a recipe for disaster.
The subject of the first stanza is also good. Nothing wrong there.
Not so the second and third stanzas. While it is true that many dry parts of the world are impoverished, poverty and dryness are not directly related. I mean, Australia is a very dry continent, but it is also one of the world's most advanced nations. Brazil is a very humid country, but is considered 3rd world. If you want to explore the cause of poverty, perhaps you should research a particular area and write about the cause specific to that area, eg. racial wars, exploitation by the government, oppression by more powerful nations, etc.
The only issue I have with the subject of the third stanza is the mention of education. Of course someone will be refused a job if they are not properly educated. That's why people have to go to medical school before they can be doctors. Perhaps substitute it with 'status'?
The subject of the fifth stanza is also good, but I think you could put it a little better. For example, I think the line 'ravaged by all of the above' sounds a little silly, and not fitting with the sombre tone of the piece. Perhaps try 'ravaged by the weight of the world'? Finally, I think you could reword the line 'but it is still happening in other places.' The idea is great, but the phrase just seems to be a little simplistic. Maybe 'but will rear its head elsewhere.' This personification of the concept of poverty give a more insidious, sinister quality, don't you think?
Overall I like the concept of this poem, well done