Suicide

I really loved this poem. I thought it was very emotional, and that the slight unclarity (like with who the boy was talking to) was really good. It made me feel sad and I thought it was quite powerful, but I've thought about it and found just one little thing. How come the mother came to have a gun? I was so shocked by the suicide that I didn't really notice this at first, but I thought that (presuming they were an ordinary family and not gangsters or anything) it was unlikely that they would have a gun. Perhaps they are farmers? If so, you could mention that. Or you could just make her stab herself. Anyway, I thought it was a really good emotional poem.

Good, very good. I can feel the emotion, and know its there...I think it can come through so much stronger. Poetry is based on emotion, poems can be very well written and have emotion yet it is hidden, almost blocked out. Even the way it is, its amazing, raw.

This is just one of those works that just make you want to cry for the poor character. Very well written!

Justagirl wrote:Suicide

I look at the small child before me,
diagnosed with cancer,
dead before his time had come.
He looks up at me,
“What happened?”

“You died,”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”
“Grieving for you.”
His mouth forms an “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

I bring up a window to the world below,
“You can still see them.”
The boy watches his parents,
the slightly transparent screen showing them,
grieving for their lost child.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother mouths,
“I can’t take it anymore.”

His father reaches towards her
understanding and horror on his face,
but he doesn’t stop her.

She picks up a gun, goes outside,
points it at her head.

The screen goes blank,
she had just pulled the trigger.

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
tears run down his cheeks.

ok maybe im gonna be a downer but i just do not see wwhat the rest of you see. poetry is not supposed to be blunt in my opinion. i mean of course there is streamlined poetry that works well but i do not think the meter was consistent and i fee like in a non ryhming poem there shoukd be a lot more sstructure. also i take issue with your idea that we live under a god that is soincaring he would send a depression stricken mother to hell for a moment of greif. you seem to have a flair for the dramatic but i was not crazy for this peice

What a magnificently absurd way to put it -- and I don't mean that in a bad way. This is such a terrible thing for me to be reading on a day like this (Christmas) but it is just so ... wow. It puts everything into perspective. It breaks my heart -- the ending for the little boy.

The screen goes blank,
she had just pulled the trigger.

The screen goes blank;
She has just pulled the trigger.

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
tears run down his cheeks.

This is a good poem, and most everyone else has taken care of nitpicks, so I won't bother with that. However, one thing I will say is: the whole thing seemed slightly abrupt. It didn't give me quite enough time to fully comprehend what was going on and understand the characters before it ended. Also, it left me with many questions. Who is the narrator? God? An angel? The personification of death? Why was the mother so much more distressed than the father, so much so that she killed herself? Why didn't the father do anything to stop her? If it was my wife and she was putting a gun to her head, I'd tackle her myself before I'd let her pull that trigger. And why did she go to hell? We are given no reason to believe that she is deserving of such a fate; indeed, we are made to pity her, perhaps even more than we pity the dead child. Of course, it might very well be that you never intended to answer these questions, but a little more information and development couldn't hurt.

I read your poem, then read through the reviews people have given you previously and was pleased to notice that you have edited your poem accordingly! As it stands now, there’s nothing else for me to add. The dialogue helps advance the story and I love how blunt the child’s questions and the angel’s (or God’s?) answers are; the bluntness really augments the poem’s impact and shock effect. Great job, keep writing!

Sounds like a nightmare..I really liked the quickness of the poem, but found myself wishing for more depth in the story. Perhaps add some more imagery and descriptive language?

This poem just left me asking questions, and maybe that was the point. How did he die? Who is the narrator? How does he feel?

It's a good poem, but I feel with some more powerful words, you could invoke much more emotion in the reader.

Hello there!

Here to review.

“You died.”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”

His mouth forms and “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother says,
“I can’t take it anymore.”

She picks up a gun, goes outside,
points is at her head.

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
One more tear runs down his cheek.

This was a very moving poem, very- for lack of a better word- blunt. As in, it's very straight to the point. I liked the imagery, for me it was easy to clearly see what was happening. But I agree with some previous poems, maybe some more detail would be great. But nonetheless, I enjoyed reading it- suspence from the start!

MissMadHatter

His mouth forms and “o”,

Awesome. And if her suicide came on to quickly, just throw in an extra line or two. Perhaps show the dad's emotions. What I think we all liked about this was the stillness, it's like an explosion in stop-motion but the sounds are definitely moving Amazing, deserves to be featured and a strong warning against suicide. Whether a person believes in Hell or not. If there's one thing I recommend (but I'm scared of messing up the poem) is that you describe the boy with something better than 'small'. True, it describes his age and so forth, but then again so can other words. In description try keep away from concrete descriptions but rather allude to it more. Instead of saying he weighed so much, just say he was pudgy. Use certain words stereotyped to a group of people (e.g doctor's don't usually cackle, right?) Word choice is important.

Anyway, awesome poem. I'm going to link to it one Facebook.
Well done,
God bless,
TheNewHero.

This was one of those pieces where I go, "Oh...that's horrible! But really good. But horrible! But really good..." etc. I agree with the others that the mother's suicide comes on too quickly, but other than that I think it's good. (This may be because I totally did NOT notice that you told us "we couldn't hear their words, but the mother said, 'I can't take this anymore,'" which just shows how completely off my game I apparently am at the moment...

Justagirl wrote:Suicide

I look at the small child before me,
dead before his time had come.
He looks up at me,
“What happened?” I was confused at first at this stanza, but then I finally realized that it was supposed to be an angel narrating the poem. I also like how you had the boy ask a short question and the angel gave a short answer. It makes me think of the sort of shock one must feel when one dies and is in Heaven. All you can think to ask is "What Happened?" and all the angels think you're able to handle is the obvious "You died".

“You died,”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”
“Grieving for you.” Another example of that short question, short answer thing I liked.
His mouth forms an “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

I bring up a window to the world below,
“You can still see them.”
The boy watches his parents,
the slightly transparent screen showing them,
grieving for their lost child.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother says, This is a little confusing for me. The narrator says that they can't hear them, yet then he turns right around and says what the mother just said. Maybe you did that intentionally? Maybe it's just something that slipped past you?
“I can’t take it anymore.”
She picks up a gun, goes outside,
points it at her head. I agree with Adam. You bring this up too fast. Maybe try adding a few more stanzas, building up to this point.

The screen goes blank,
she had just pulled the trigger.

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
One more tear runs down his cheek.

I look at the small child before me,
dead before his time had come.
He looks up at me,
“What happened?”

“You died.”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”
“Grieving for you.”
His mouth forms an “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

I bring up a window to the world below,
“You can still see them.”
The boy watches his parents,
the slightly transparent screen showing them,
grieving for their lost child.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother says,
“I can’t take it anymore.”
She picks up a gun, goes outside, It's too fast, and it makes it less believable at this point in my opinion.
points is at her head.

The screen goes blank,
she had just pulled the trigger. This is a very moving stanza

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
One more tear runs down his cheek.