A star to look upon,
A star to wish upon,
A brightness in my heart.
To light my utter dark.
When I have nothing left,
When the sun has set,
You are my only light,
My lantern in the dark.
A place to go,
When all else is gone,
When all is dead,
All but your light,
Has died and faded...
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Knight Dragon here to humbly serve in the capacity of a reviewer for the Knights of the Green Room.
This is the first line that struck me as off: "When the sun has set". It was just a beat shy, and it tilted the flow a little bit.
This next couplet have the same beats to them, but they feel out of place in the rhythm of this poem:
"When all is dead,
All but your light"
And I felt the ellipses were unnecessary. You brought finality to the poem, but then opened the door for more and didn't do anything. It left an emptiness to the poem that wasn't related to everything but "your light [dying] and [fading]."
I hope that gives you an idea of where the poem could be improved. I liked what you did otherwise.
Hope this helps! In loyal service to literature, Knight Dragon.
This poem is very teary as it is filled with love and sorrow. A person devoted to one's love for another is still rare in reality and this poem brings hope that it might return, again.
I love the way you use such symbols as "Star" and "Lanter", showing that your loved one is there for you. This poem does show hope in a world tainted in corruption and greed and might shine a light where man will see the error in its' ways.
Hey, Jonathan! I am learning to spell your name, and I'm here from KotGR with an honorable review for an honorable Knight. Good luck winning the Scribe badge!
So, what was awesome about this poem was that it opened with really really strong and natural rhythm.
I bolded where I felt the stress of the rhythm fell. Reading it in my head made a nice swingy rhythm that felt easy and flowed nicely. It was ESPECIALLY lovely because "star" feels like a word that is held longer -- perhaps over two beats? And upon is a quickly spoken word, so it rushes through that word. It feels like a waltz!
The problem for me is that after that, not quite so much attention is paid to the rhythm or meter, and so that awesome element falls apart. In addition, there's not much concrete in the imagery. D: It's all light or dark or light or dark, but there's not even colors -- just light or dark that don't evoke even white or black. It means I have nothing concrete to imagine and spark and inspire my brain while I'm reading and thinking.
The one thing that does interest me, though, is your ending. You mention that everything except this light has died and faded, and that evokes kind of a post-apocalyptic horizon -- shadowy and destroyed, but it's odd that in a poem entitled "Hope" with what I assume is a hopeful topic and message, the image that it leaves me with is one of darkness and being alone.
I hope my impressions of this poem will be helpful to you!
Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
Well Hannah.
Interesting ideas though what I mean is like when you feel like life is hopeless and not worth living you have to keep your hopes.
Like for me mine is to go to heaven.
*Knight Teen enters the cave cautiously with her sword drawn and at the ready. Jonathan has requested that the KOTGR take care of a little beast problem he has been having, and Teen is only happy to oblige.*
In other words, this is one of the three reviews that you will receive from one of you fellow Knights.
You probably already know this, but if you want to break this into stanzas (which I would recommend) you simply press the SHIFT key before you press the ENTER key. Sometimes this can take a few tries, believe me, I know from experience. I typically do it one stanza at a time and then click the preview button to make sure it worked before moving on to the next stanza.
There really is nothing about this poem that can be corrected, and therefore criticized. You did very good job on the spelling and grammar.
Personally, I would have not used so many commas, or capitalized the first letter of every sentence, but that is just me, and if that's not your style then please ignore me.
I love the way that you personalized hope. I think that saying it is like a lantern in the dark is a very good analogy. Or is that a metaphor?
I really enjoyed reading this, keep up the good work!
Hi Jonathan! I decided I would return the favour and review this poem for you
Specifics
1. I think your words are really sweet, but a lot of the lines are very stand alone - they don't flow from one to the next. It's good to have a strong flow in a poem because then your reader is more engaged and doesn't find themselves stopping and starting each time they reach the end of the line. Here's a quick example of how you'd maybe make the first few lines overlap each other if you decide you like the idea:
A star to look upon,
this star to wish
for brightness in my heart.
By advancing from a star to this star, it makes the object more personal because now it's being claimed as your own. Just a thought!
2. I'm loving the half rhymes like 'left' and 'set', when combined with the short lines they add a really nice rhythm to the poem. It's great!
3. I'm not sure about the ending as it doesn't seem to reach a conclusion and the ellipse suggests there's something more, that this is a continuous thing, which is nice, but I feel like it ended with the darkness instead of the light!
Well thanks for the read and keep writing! You've got a good feel for words and the more you read and write poetry, the closer you'll get to that goal of being the best
Farewell my fellow knight, long may your sword be green!
Heather xx
Wow, what a beautiful poem. It is short, but every word has such a special meaning. You wrote it from your heart, I can tell
And you're only 12? Wow, you really take your writing seriously which is good! 
Thanks.
Short and great! I can just see the darkness, then in the center a small speck of light begins to form, eventually bursting forth into colorful rays of light. A very encouraging poem, masterfully written.
Thank-you for the feed back.
Hey it's Molly!
I want to start the review by complimenting your amazing title choice! It's what really drew me towards the poem! Each word in this poem has such a beautiful meaning and that is what makes it an awesome poem. I love all the deep passion and brilliant detail of the poem. I absolutely adore how you worded the piece. Each word drives in to my heart and pulls out a piece of emotion (graphic). Overall I love the poem and my favorite line was "a star to look upon, a star to wish upon, a brightness in my heart, to light my utter dark."
KEEP WRITING
RA RA RA
Thank-you molly.
HOPE!!!...
I had to do that. I like this is very serene with that deep realistic meaning. I like your simile on hope being a star, it is the small light that shines in the dark sky.Looking at your other works you kind of sound like a philosopher.
XD thanks.
RobbieFava here!
I just wanted to congratulate you on a job well done! This poem is awesome! It provides a sort of romantic quality that I thought was really inspiring. You can tell that this was written from the heart which is always something I have to admire.
I just thought that, in all, it was a little short and ended somewhat abruptly. The rhyming pattern was also a little thrown off by the end and I felt that maybe there should have been one line to finish that might have rhymed with "dead." This is kind of a strangely ambiguous feeling that I have because I really like the last line. It just left me with the feeling that there was something that you had possibly left unsaid.
Regardless, that is just a suggestion. I'm very impressed with this piece and you should be very proud of it. I'm really shocked to see that you're only twelve dude! (Not to sound rude! >.< That was meant as a super compliment!!!) Anyway, that's all I have to offer you. Keep up the good work!
Well I must say I tried to put some feeling in this poem, thank-you very much robbie.
It's a little short poem, but good as well. The way I read the poem is that you are talking about a person that has problems and always have someone to talk to about it. This person is healing the pain and is always there for him/her. The person is like a light in the darkness, a light that will never go out or disappear. He/she can always trust this person. The person is his/hers light in the darkness. It's a good and beautiful poem
Thank-you Tanya.
Hi there Jonathan,have a good day!So here I am to make review on your wonderful poem here.
First of all,I like the theme and idea here when you talk about a star to wish upon.Also you hope that the star/light can be your lantern while there is no more light for you.
#When I have nothing left,
When the sun has set,
You are my only light,
My lantern in the dark.
#I guess 'you' is referring to the star right?
"A star to look upon,*
A star to wish upon,*
A brightness in my heart."
*Actually,the rythm here is a little bit hard to find.Also here,it makes my tongue twisted while trying to recite this lines.LOL.But no problem with that,just need more practices.
My god,I love the rest of the lines here.It just perfect with the choosing of words /diction that is strong and well arranged.The element of repetition here making the poem even more interesting to read.Well done!Keep writing here in YWS.
Thank you,cheer:)
Thank-you nightwalker, Thank-you very much.
Hi my name is TaKairee
I am a new writer and I really like this poem. although I write short stories this will really inspire me to start writing different things. This poem is very creative and very well written.
I think that you should keep writing because I would love to read some more of your work. I have already posted my first piece of work online and I would be very grateful if you would go review it.
Well thanks, I will see what I can do about the review.
I have to admit, when I read your description, the first words that went through my head were:
"Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!"
Yes, I am a total nerd/geek/star wars fangirl. At least I admit it.
But I'm getting off topic here, let's get on to the review before I do it again.
You have a very good structure here, with all of the lines being somewhat equal in length, and that gives the work a good rhythm/flow. I like how you capitalized the beginning of every line, and your use of punctuation. Your plot/content was excellent, I thought you captured an image of hope with your words.
A question, is the narrator speaking of a person, as slightly indicated by this line:
It seems like the narrator is speaking of a person here.
And lastly, before I go; your grammar and punctuation are all correct, but there is a little room for improvement. You should consider breaking this up into two or three stanzas. It's just long enough to appear to need them. This is not a crisis, and does not have to be done, but it is something to think about.
Well, that's all I have to say.
Peace,
HT
I tried to break it up but YWS would not let me as soon as I posted it, it was all compacted.
Try pressing shift before you press enter. Everyone here has that problem.
Hey there. GL24 here with a review for ya.
I really like the way this poem came at me. I sort of interpreted this as a poem from one person to another, possibly someone they love. I enjoyed the way that you used words like light and dark to mirror the narrator's feelings. It's almost like they were calling out in desperation for someone to save them from the "dark" that is their very own sadness, etc. Possibly most intriguing about this poem was the way that you broke the poem into two distinct halves. For instance, the first six lines rhyme, but lines 7-12 don't. I saw this as an attempt to show the narrator's desperation and worry. They're calling out for their only light, and their biggest fear is losing it. Short review, but ya know. Good job.
Thank-you very much Green light.
I love your review.