Steam.

Haha i find this piece very funny and casually written. But don't mind that as this casualty is what makes it so awesome! You wrote such an apt poem for the occasion!! It has repeating words but that was what added to the beauty. It's short but sweet and fun to read. It feels so good when one gets to see so many types of poems and stories. it's such a delight to read them including yours. AND since i am also in your team, maybe i like your poem even more!! Lol!! But anyway i can see this poem reflects a potential for writing amazing stuff!!

best of luck, keep writing

Cheers,

Shiksha!!

Hey Jordin!

This is an interesting experimentation piece for sure. I feel as though there is a playfulness way you went about it trying to find as many 'eam' rhyming words as possible and squish them into as small a space as possible. I used to do this a lot I think what happens when you try this effect is that you end up with a bit of a tongue-twister-y 'she sells sea shells by the sea shore' type of thing, which can be really cute and fun. Just watch out for that first line, it seems to demand a comma following the word "team".

Also - the reference to fire flowers was not lost on me Pretty neat!

If you ever want to take sound effects in poetry further, and experiment with more things like this, I would suggest looking at the possibilities in slant rhyme. Slant rhymes are a little bit more subtle, but they can also be great deal of fun, because of the tendency that the rhyming words tend to hide from the reader. So for example, steam, dream, team: these words, because they perfectly rhyme with each other, they are emphasized and they stand out.

However, when you have words like: steam, skim, stem, celeb, wed-- reading them aloud, they still sound nice and interesting together, even though the sounds are different, don't exactly rhyme. Why is that? When you focus on vowel sounds:

eem, im, em, eb, ed

there's a progression in pitch, there's movement, and there's lyricality. Haha, it's a cool thing to learn, but it's the kind of thing you learn by doing lots and lots of practice with it.

Hope this helps,

~ as always, Audy

Hey jordin, here for a review!

Well, I’m not really sure what to say about this as it’s rather short- of course that shouldn't really be a problem. I’m not really sure what you were trying to do with this, it seems a bit like a tongue twister right now because it’s actually really hard to say aloud. It’s still pretty cool though and quite original, not something I've really seen before.

I think repetition is good in a poem, however this is a bit slightly overused. I think using ‘steam’ at the end of almost every line is a bit tedious really, and makes it harder to read. I thought maybe also you could make it slightly longer? And add some different language, still sticking to your ‘steam’ theme.
Sorry, this wasn't really helpful, I wasn't really sure what to say. Have a good review day!

Keep Writing!
-Arc x

Hallo!

So, I know this is kind of for fun, but I'll just review it like a normal poem.

Firstly, I like the sort of wordplay you have here, and the rhyme, both external and internal.

One thing I noticed is that the poem is a bit repetitive. For instance, you repeat the word "steam" three times in the first stanza. Repetition like that could be intentional, but I would encourage you to at least consider rewording that, because the repetition is sort of jarring to the reader, and interrupts the flow of the poem.

Another thing I would suggest is elaborating on this. At the moment it's sort of simple and a bit repetitive, but with some work it could be a lot better. There's so much potential for awesome imagery with fire flowers and dreams, so consider adding some metaphors or similes to spice up the poem and make it more interesting to read.

All in all, I really like the rhyming you have here, and with a little work this could be really good!

-Wherethewindgoes